Turn Right
by ksfd89
Summary: S4 AU where Rory leaves with Jess instead of sending him away in Last Week Fights, This Week Tights. Some chapters will be from Rory's POV and other's from Jess's. Warning that it will be heavy on angst! Hope you enjoy it!
1. Chapter 1

**S4 AU where Rory goes with Jess instead of sending him away. Some chapters will be from Jess's perspective as well as Rory's. Warning that this fic will be heavy on angst! Hope you enjoy it!**

Rory can't believe this is happening. She's finally got Dean to leave, after having a kind of moment with him, and Jess is here. He's here, out of nowhere as is his style, and Rory can't handle it. She can't deal with this and Jess simply says, "Rory." His voice is pleading.

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I just..."

"What?" Rory demands and stares when Jess says " Come with me."

"What?" This has to be a joke.

"Come with me," Jess repeats. Rory doesn't know what to say.

"Where?"

"I don't know...away!"

Jess can't be serious. " Are you crazy?" Rory demands and Jess retorts, " Probably. Do it. Come with me. Don't think about it."

"I can't do that," Rory says in disbelief. She walks back into her dorm room and Jess follows.

"You don't think you can do it but you can. You can do whatever you want."

Can she? Rory isn't so sure on that. This is wild, impossible.

"It's not what I want."

"It is. I know you."

That hurts. Jess just walked out on her with hardly a word since, except to say that loves her, and Rory exclaims, "You don't know me!"

Jess is desperate, manic.

"Look, we'll go to New York. We'll work, we'll live together, we'll be together. It's what I want. It's what you want, too."

"No!" Rory says blindly. She can't do that. Jess follows her around the room, insisting, "I want to be with you, but not here. Not this place, not Stars Hollow. We have to start new.

"There's nothing to start!"

"You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can."

"No!"

Rory can't look Jess in the eye. She's on the edge of tears and knows they're ready to break. She turns away but Jess moves to meet her.

"Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too. I know you do."

This can't be happening. She can't be hearing this.

"No, no, no, no, no!"

"Don't say _no_ just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say _no_ if you really don't want to be with me."

This is what gives her pause. Rory can't say she doesn't. She stares at Jess, her heart thudding at a painful beat, and the world is a roar around her. She loves him. Rory knows she loves him, despite it all. She loves how he sees her as more than the good girl from Stars Hollow who fulfilled her family's dreams of Yale, became what her mother should have been - though Rory doesn't think Lorelai would have had to drop some courses. That still stings. Rory is so tired of this weight on her shoulders. She was fine at Chilton, after the first shaky month, but Yale doesn't seem to have settled. Rory feels a step behind, and not only that, she knows she's pitied for being so lonely all year. It seems that she wound up the odd one in the dorm. And while she's excited to go home for summer, she'll get those looks there too. Stars Hollow can be stifling, in a way Rory hadn't noticed before. And all summer Rory knows she'll be wondering what was, and feeling that weight, and pretending it to be happy. Jess never looks at her in that way and maybe that's why Rory finds herself saying, "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Jess asks, his voice hitching. "You don't know if you want to go or if you don't want to be with me?"

Rory doesn't answer and Jess takes a tentative step closer. "I love you," he says, gazing into her eyes. "Please - Rory, I won't leave now. I promise."

"How long are you saying we should go for?"

"I don't know - how long it takes us," Jess says. "But you're done for the year. I want to start over."

"I want to start over too," Rory says quietly. "But I don't know if I can."

"We can - it's easy, just come with me. We'll be somewhere new, someplace away from all of here."

"Jess..."

"I'm sorry," Jess says, taking her hands. "I'm sorry I left without saying anything and not taking you to prom and not calling."

"You did."

"What?"

"You did call me. You called over and over at graduation."

"I didn't say anything."

"You still called."

Rory looks away as Jess nods, and then looks back as he takes a deep breath. "Can we try?" he asks. "I'm ready - you're ready, I know you are. We've got an entire summer."

Rory feels electricity shoot through her. Summer. A whole summer with Jess. She is dazed with uncertainty and hope and she whispers, "I love you too."

Jess gulps and Rory adds, "I tried not to love you, because I was so mad at you. But I still love you."

Jess's eyes are bright as he asks once more, "Will you go with me?"

"Yes," Rory whispers, and then more clearly, "Yes."

Jess hesitates for the briefest of moments and then he's kissing her. Rory kisses him back, closing her eyes. There it is again, that rush, the weakness in her knees she thought she'd forgotten. Rory breathes in Jess's scent and, stopping for breath, they kiss again until Rory's mouth is almost sore. When they finally break apart Jess's eyes are shining.

"I guess we should go."

"Yeah." Rory looks around her and uncertainly picks up a box. Jess picks up one too and walks towards the door. "I'm parked right out front."

"Okay." Rory watches him walk away and notices his box is full of her books. She holds back, staring around her dorm full of darkness. The shadows are gleaming and it's time to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

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It doesn't take long to load the boxes into Jess's car. Rory looks back at the dorm one last time and as she slowly turns back Jess says gently, "Ready to go?"

His eyes are soft and Rory smiles. "Yes - let's go."

She gets into the passenger seat. Rory hasn't been in Jess's car for more than a year now but the scent is instantly familiar; old leather and faint smoke from cigarettes. That air freshener in the shape of a devil's head, which Rory always found kind of funny, has gone. For some reason it makes her feel sad, though she can't place why. Sitting against the cracked leather sends Rory instantly back to the memory of the backseat, making out with Jess away from the town and interruptions. A shiver passes through her and she shakes herself.

Jess starts the engine and only then does an awful thought strike Rory. "Mom."

"What?"

"We have to stop at Stars Hollow, I have to tell Mom."

"Rory..."

"I have to," Rory insists. "You know I do."

Jess looks frustrated but doesn't try talking her out of it. He simply nods, backs the car out and shakes his head when Rory suggests, "You could see Luke."

"No," Jess says. "I saw him already tonight. I said goodbye."

Rory doesn't offer any thoughts of that. They drive silently out of campus and onto the main road that leads them to Stars Hollow. Rory twists her hands in her lap. She was supposed to go back here tomorrow, alone, and was so excited. She won't let herself imagine what Lorelai will say to the change in plan.

Jess stops the car down the road from Lorelai's. He looks uncomfortable, looking around the empty streets, and nods when Rory says, "I won't be long." She doesn't bother asking if he wants to come in. Getting out, Rory walks up the street, the warm air enveloping her, and falters on the path to her house. For a moment, Rory is tempted to just run back to the car. How can she tell Lorelai this? Her mother will kill her. She'll be devastated. Rory doesn't know which is worse. Steeling herself, Rory makes herself go up the rest of the path and opens the front door. Lorelai is watching TV and jumps up in surprise. She's wearing some sweats and a crumpled shirt with a dog on it, Lorelai's main outfit for relaxing. The dog's face has got twisted from where she was lying on the couch but Rory is too nervous to make a joke.

"Rory?"

"Hey, Mom." Rory tries to smile and Lorelai frowns. "I thought you were coming home tomorrow. I was going to pick you up."

"I was - we were."

"Well, that's okay," Lorelai says slowly. She's confused but says, "It's great that you're back early. I'm halfway through a movie but the plot's pretty sparse so you can catch up, no problem. Or I can get you to work on the plans for the test run! See, this is perfect!"

"Mom..." Rory's voice fades and Lorelai walks over to her, her smile disappearing.

"What is it it?" she asks seriously. "What's going on, Rory?"

"Mom, Jess came back," Rory says. "His car is outside. He asked me to go with him and I said yes."

"What?" Lorelai asks blankly, and then again, "_What?_ What are you saying?"

"Just for summer. I want to start over with him."

"No," Lorelai says furiously and when Rory tries to argue she says loudly, "No, that's not happening."

"I already agreed."

"Then change your mind! What the hell, Rory? This boy broke your heart! He bailed on you twice, said he loved you and ran! You can't trust him!"

"Yes I can!"

"How, exactly?"

"He's different," Rory says, ignoring Lorelai's exhalation of exasperation. "I know how it sounds, but he has. He loves me, and I love him too. I want to try...is that so bad?"

"Rory, listen to me," Lorelai says, her voice low. "You can love him. You can want to start over with him. You can have both those things but you can't just leave with him. You've been apart for a year! You have school!"

"It's summer!"

"That's no time and then what happens in fall?" Lorelai demands. "If Jess wants to start over with you, he can come see you right here. When a boy asks you to jump you don't ask _how high?_"

"He's not asking me that!"

"Yes he is and you're saying _yes_!" Lorelai looks away, her eyes bright. "Rory, you can't do this. Where are you going to live? How are you going to take care of yourself?"

"We'll figure something out - I'll find a job."

Lorelai suppresses a snort and Rory's eyes fill up. "Fine," she says tearfully. "I knew you wouldn't understand. Just forget it. I'm sorry I spoiled our plans, but I'm doing this."

"Okay," Lorelai says, taking Rory's hands. "Listen. Let's just take a breath and talk about this. Let's stop fighting and just talk."

"Okay," Rory says, composing herself. Lorelai sits at the table and Rory tentatively sits opposite her. For a moment they just look at each other.

"I know this feels incredibly romantic," Lorelai says. "Having a guy come and ask you to go away with him -"

"He's not just a guy!"

"Okay, okay. I get it. But Rory - I don't think this is smart. It's going to be hard. It might not seem it right now, but it will, I know it will be. And we've got plans. What about the inn? The test run? You're my righthand woman."

Lorelai tries to make her voice light but she can't smile and Rory says, "I'm sorry. I just...I'll visit, I promise."

"Why?" Lorelai demands. "Why are you so determined to go with him? I know I made a crack about a dry spell but this is taking it a little far, don't you think?"

"It's not that." Rory doesn't want to admit that it's partly that she's been so lonely. For all the jokes about no dates Lorelai doesn't know how lonely this year has been, and she can't tell her. She's got her own stuff to worry about with the inn, Rory thinks. She pushes away her thought that telling her would be letting her down.

"Why can't he come see you here?" Lorelai asks again. "Why does it have to be such a big step?"

"It feels right."

"Maybe it feels right now, but it won't be when you're in a miserable New York apartment and you're fighting and don't have any money!"

"Why are you so determined to see the worst in this?" Rory demands, pushing her chair back. "Admit it, you always hated Jess!"

"Oh, you think that's it?" Lorelai snaps, pushing her own chair back as well. "That the only reason I think it's a bad idea for two teenagers to move in together is because I have a grudge against Jess?"

"I'm in Yale, I'm almost twenty!"

"So you have tons of life experience, my mistake," Lorelai retorts. Rory looks away and Lorelai says more gently, "Rory, you always have a plan. You always think everything through. This is too soon - you aren't thinking. You're just doing it because you're all mixed up!"

"You'd know about that, right?" Rory says cruelly and Lorelai's eyes narrow. "That's my point, Rory. I've been there, you haven't. Dammit - this is such a mistake. You're going to quit school and lose everything you've worked for. All for some guy."

"I'm not quitting school! It's just for summer!"

"Right," Lorelai says. "Fine. You see how well this works out for you. I guess there's nothing I can say, right?"

"No," Rory agrees and Lorelai folds her arms. "Where's Jess?"

"Why?"

"Maybe I can talk some sense into him."

"No," Rory says furiously. "Leave him alone, Mom! It's not your business!"

"He's taking my daughter!"

"I want to go with him!" Rory shouts. "You're just mad because I didn't go running to you first!"

"I'm mad because you're throwing away your future!"

"It's _summer_!"

"So what happens if you get pregnant?"

Rory gives her an awful look and Lorelai takes a deep breath. "I'm concerned - Rory, you're my kid. I just want what's best for you!"

"I can decide it on my own," Rory says, moving towards the door. "What happened to trusting me?"

"You tell me," Lorelai snaps. "I think it's back in Jess's car. Rory, come on - I'm your mom."

"I thought I was your best friend."

"Well, I would tell my best friend this was a stupid decision too."

"It's my decision to make," Rory says firmly. "I'm sorry that it's hurt you and I'm sorry about missing our plans, but this is what I'm doing. I'm going. I'll call you some other time."

"Fine! You're all grown up and obviously don't need advice from anyone, so have a great summer. That's the last advice you'll get from me!"

"Great!" Rory spits out and then she's slamming the door, running down the street. She can hear the door open after her, and glances back in case Lorelai is following, but Rory is alone. She runs to the car and Jess gets out, looking behind Rory's shoulder for an irate Lorelai.

"How'd she take it?"

"Bad," Rory says, breathing heavily. "Let's go."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine - please, let's just go."

They drive in near silence all the way to New York. Rory stares out of the window, watching the world of her childhood disappear. Her heart hurts from the fight with Lorelai, but she's not sorry. If everyone thinks she's so smart how come they aren't trusting her on this? It's her life, isn't it? Jess looks over at her now and then and Rory smiles, but he doesn't ask her anything and she's grateful. A long time later they arrive in the city and Jess steers the car along some rickety streets in an area Rory has never been, in all her visits to New York. Finally he stops the car outside a building on a cracked sidewalk. Smoke is billowing from a grate on the other side of the street and though it's a warm night, Rory shivers. Jess gives her a kiss. "This is it."

They take a couple of boxes and carry them into the apartment. The elevator is broken and so is part of the banister on the stairs. There is muffled shouting from one floor and what sounds like someone drunkenly singing. Crazily, Rory thinks of the preppy boys she was forced to go out with tonight and their drunk warbling. Was that only tonight? Already it feels weeks ago. They get to the third floor and Jess takes out a key, twisting it a few times before the door stubbornly opens.

"It's an old lock," he explains and Rory nods. They put the boxes down and Jess says, "Home sweet home."

It's a bare apartment with an old mattress in a corner, a few pots and pans jumbled on a stove in another. Rory suspects it rivals the potting shed in size.

"Nothing fancy," Jess says, sounding embarrassed. "But it's mine - ours. I was sharing with two other people but they've moved out. We can be alone here."

Rory nods, tucking her arms around herself. The word _alone_ makes her think about tonight, about her mother's warning. She's going to have sex. They're going to sleep together. Rory wants it and knows Jess does too, but right now she just wants to lie down. Rory licks her dry lips. Jess puts his arms around her. "You okay?"

"I'm fine...I'm tired..."

"We can go to bed right now if you want."

"Jess..." Rory says awkwardly. "I don't - right now, I just - can we just sleep tonight?"

"Okay," Jess says gently. "We can wait."

He gives her a kiss and Rory relaxes a little, kissing him back. The horribleness of before disappears a little. It strikes her that their kiss from before was the first kiss they'd shared since after the party. The first kiss she'd had all year, aside from Paris on spring break. That makes her giggle but when Jess asks what's funny Rory says it's nothing.

"You want to use the bathroom first?" Jess asks, his voice light. "It's right through there."

"Sure - thanks."

Rory takes her toothbrush and facewash from her bag and goes into the bathroom. The lock doesn't work but she guesses that doesn't really matter. It's only after she's brushed her teeth and washed her face that Rory remembers that she left her nightclothes in the main room. Blushing a little, she goes out and waits for Jess to go in the bathroom before quickly changing. Jess looks shy too when he emerges and sees her. Rory crosses her arms over her breasts.

"I'll be ready in a sec," Jess says and Rory nods.

"Okay."

Rory gets into the bed in the corner. She doesn't look as Jess strips down into a T-shirt and boxers but smiles when he climbs into bed with her.

"This okay?"

"It's great."

"I can sleep on the floor, if you want. We don't have to - I know it's been a while."

"No, this is good," Rory says sincerely. She does feel a little awkward but it's exciting, too, lying next to Jess like this. Aside from the terrible night of the party they've never lain on a bed together, let alone inside one. Jess kisses her cheek and Rory leans up to kiss his mouth.

"I love you."

"I love you too.

Jess kisses Rory's neck, and tentatively her shoulder, but stops there and lies back down. Rory's breath has got shorter from his lips on her skin. Despite the newness of it all, she partly wanted Jess to keep going. Instead, she closes her eyes and tries to relax. It's so new, sharing a bed with a guy and Rory is very aware of her breathing. She's exhausted but can't unwind. The hideousness of her fight with Lorelai pops back up behind Rory's eyes and she pushes it away. In its place comes Dean showing up at the bar, nearly coming into her room. What would have happened if he had? Rory doesn't want to go there. She doesn't want to think about anything apart from right now and she squeezes her eyes shut until finally light is pouring into the tiny apartment and it's a new morning.


	3. Chapter 3

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She agreed to go with him. Jess still can't believe it. He keeps looking over at her in the car as if Rory could disappear. He probably wouldn't be surprised if this was some crazy dream. Jess never imagined this to happen, never imagined even asking her. Seeing Dean threw Jess off. He wanted to see Rory, talk to her, try and find some way to start over, but this? Jess never planned asking her to go with him. The words were just out there. Jess didn't take them back. He was on the edge of his breath, waiting, and Rory said yes. He saw her hesitation. It was the same stunned look when he told her he loved her, and Jess considers what she'd have said if he hadn't run. When he asked her to go Jess could see how Rory almost said no, nearly expected her to. He doesn't know what he'd have done if she had, but Rory said yes, and he was kissing her. And now they're driving back to New York. Jess glances at Rory's profile but can't read anything from it. She's staring out of the window and doesn't turn round. He almost expected her not to come back after telling Lorelai. Jess was glad he parked around the corner. He had visions of Lorelai chasing him down with a bat or something. It's still a reasonable risk. If Lorelai didn't hate him before she definitely does now. What else is new?

Jess is kind of embarrassed when they're in the apartment. It's not exactly the Ritz. Even sharing Luke's apartment was five stars compared to this, and that's before they expanded it. But Rory doesn't say anything. Her eyes darts around, her expression shy, and she mumbles that she just wants to sleep. Jess is sure she's still a virgin. Luke hasn't alluded to Rory having any boyfriends since he's gone. Jess assumes Lorelai would have told him if there'd been a guy, though he wonders why Dean was there when Jess showed up. Seems weird for them to be hanging out. Isn't Dean married now? Whatever. Jess guesses it's not his business, but it bites at him a little, like when he read that poster about Rory and Dean at Miss Patty's One Woman Show. That feels like a million years ago now, Stars Hollow, the whole thing, but the feelings rise back up like bile. Jess pushes them back and kisses Rory. Kissing her feels familiar, in a good way. A perfect way. It practically wipes all their months apart, but when they step apart Jess can feel the distance again, and wonders if Rory feels it too. He wonders where her life has been this year. He gets into bed with Rory but doesn't ask her. God, just lying next to her is driving him crazy. Rory is tense but she relaxes when Jess kisses her shoulder, sighing slightly. Being in bed with her was all Jess thought about last year. He wants to keep kissing her but lies back, turning off the light, and closing his eyes. Jess can't unwind. Rory is in his bed. How is he just expected to go to sleep? Eventually he must do as light is filling the apartment and Rory is scrunching her face up in a yawn. He grins at her.

"Morning."

"Morning," Rory says sleepily. Her hair is mussed up and she tucks it behind her ears, and she giggles as Jess gives her a kiss. She's gorgeous, morning breath notwithstanding, and his probably isn't much better. Rory kisses him back and nods when Jess stops to ask, "You want breakfast or something?"

The pantry isn't what you'd call overflowing but Jess grills some bread and dices some tomatoes. That'll work, right? Damn, he doesn't have coffee. No biggie, they can go out for that. He brings the plates over, along with a bottle of water from the fridge, and says shyly, "Sorry it's not much..."

"No, this is perfect." They eat cheerfully but Rory seems shy once she finishes. She wanders with her plate over to the sink to wash it and Jess says, "Hey, I can do that."

"I don't mind."

"Morning privilege...how's that?"

"I like that." They smile and Rory says, "I thought I'd take a shower - is that okay?"

"You don't have to ask." Especially if she's going to be living with him, but Jess doesn't add that. It still feels crazy to him too. He shows her how to work the temperamental dial and washes the plates while she showers, a yelp reminding him not to have the faucet running at the same time. Rory laughs when she comes out, dressed in a skirt and shirt Jess hasn't seen before and her hair dripping. He showers too, tugging on some jeans and a old T-shirt, and he's just wondering what to suggest they do when Rory says, "I left my car."

"What?"

"My car - it's still at Yale."

"Oh." Jess noticed it out front but forgot when they were talking in her dorm, and Rory says, "I need to go get it."

"Someone might steal it," Jess says honestly. It's not the safest of neighbourhoods, but Rory insists she needs it, and Jess can't argue with that. He missed his car the whole time he was in California, and Rory can't really store it at Lorelai's. He offers to drive her but Rory says she'll take the bus. He goes with her to the station, reminding her of the route back.

"There's the store on the corner," Jess tells her. "That's where you turn for our street_." Our street_. It sounds so wonderfully alien.

"I know," Rory says, and she lifts her cellphone. "I can call you if I lose my way."

"Right."

Rory smiles, sipping the coffee they stopped to get, and gives Jess a kiss. "I won't be long."

Jess guiltily stuffs his phone back in his pocket after Rory gets on the bus. He's had five missed calls from Luke already and it's only because his uncle is so inept with technology that Jess doesn't have five angry voicemessages to go with them. Maybe it wasn't so smart finally getting a cellphone and giving Luke the number. Stopping at a small grocery store, Jess picks up more bread and some eggs, meat and a packet of coffee. That's enough, right? On the way to the counter he grabs a packet of condoms. Jess doesn't know when they'll actually sleep together, but he's only got one condom in the apartment, and hopes he's not being too optimistic in assuming that won't be enough. Helps to be prepared and all that. When he gets back Jess stuffs the condoms in a drawer in case Rory thinks he's trying to push her or something, and then his cellphone goes off again. Jess hesitates and then tells himself to quit being pathetic and answers it. He's not afraid to talk to Luke.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Hello to you too," Jess says pleasantly. He holds the phone away as Luke says furiously, "Jess, I'm going to kill you."

"Why?"

"Don't act stupid, you know why."

"You said to share my feelings...some Bette Midler junk like that."

"Yes, _share_, not run off with your old girlfriend! My God, this is taking that message on a whole other level!"

"She wanted to go with me."

"You're not in the right place to be doing this," Luke says. His voice is quieter but he sounds more serious. "You know it, Jess. You've been broken up for a year."

"We're back together."

"You can be back together in Stars Hollow!"

"I am done with Stars Hollow!"

"I mean _visit_ Rory, Jess! You can't move in with her," Luke argues. "It's too soon."

"This coming from the guy who got married on a cruise ship?"

"Dammit Jess, do not get smart with me!" Luke snaps. "Take it from someone who knows this. You want to give it a shot but you're taking it way too far. You aren't ready for this kind of commitment."

"Whatever."

"Don't _whatever_ me," Luke says angrily. "I thought we were past this. You're being an idiot."

"Gee, thanks."

"You'd better not do anything to Rory. If you get her in trouble -"

"In _trouble_?" Jess echoes. "What is this, 1955?"

"I mean it, Jess. If you -"

"Relax." Jess decides not to mention the condoms. Something tells him it wouldn't calm Luke's mind.

"Relax? Are you insane? This is unbelievable, the whole thing! I thought Lorelai was going to kill me! When she stopped ranting to tell me I thought she had to be kidding!"

"Rory wanted to go with me," Jess says again. "I didn't do anything."

"You should never have asked her to go!"

"Rory wanted to go," Jess insists. "It's her decision too."

"You are going to regret this bigtime, both of you."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Jess says sarcastically. He hears Luke snort and hang up and Jess sighs, looking at the phone for a moment before putting it on the table. He feels a pang at fighting with his uncle again. Last night they'd had a pretty good talk and now it's almost like being back at square one again. Still, it's not as if Jess expected a party.

Jess picks up his book and tries to read but can't concentrate. His mind keeps wandering to Rory. What if she changed her mind? What if she didn't want him to drive her because she'd decided this whole thing was a mistake? What if he waits here all day and she bails on him like before, and then as he did to her? It's hardly implausible. Jess starts making the food with the worries rushing in but then his phone is sounding and Rory is outside. She's here, she's home and time is theirs.


	4. Chapter 4

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Rory takes the bus back to get her car. Jess thought it might get stolen and he's probably right, but Rory can't be without her car all summer, and she doesn't want to leave it at Yale anyway. She can hardly ask Lorelai if she can keep it in the garge either. Rory stares out of the grimy window. Taking the bus out of New York reminds her of that day two years ago where she skipped school and went to see Jess. It was so unlike her to do things on a whim like that, but it felt like something she had to do, and here she is again. The journey back to Connectiut makes her think of all the stops on the way back and Rory feels an ache, both at missing her mother's graduation and for fighting with her now. Well, that's her choice, Rory thinks defensively. She didn't have to be so mad at her.

The bus stops a little way out of campus. Rory walks past a ring of shops, hesitates and then ducks into one to buy some condoms. Thinking of her fight with Lorelai reminds Rory of her mother asking _so what if you get pregnant? _Whatever happens, Rory thinks, she's not going to get pregnant. She and Lorelai have never had a real talk about it but the Trojan jokes stuck, along with a few reminders not to leave it up to the guy. Not that Rory thinks Lorelai would be thrilled with this transaction. Blushing slightly, she pulls a bill out of her wallet to pay for them and buries the packet deep in her purse. She feels slightly pathetic for being embarrassed and, shaking herself, Rory walks purposefully the rest of the way. Her car is still safely outside her dorm and Rory hesitates before getting inside it. Part of her wants to go back in her old room, though she has no reason to. It's empty, waiting for the next nervous freshman to move in. Rory can hardly believe it's been a whole year since that was her, but at the same time, it feels longer. It already feels crazy that only yesterday she was packing up her dorm and everyone was saying goodbye and Paris was remarking on her dry spell. Rory can't imagine what she'd say to this. She guesses she'll find out after summer when they room together. Suddenly, a shiver passes all through Rory for no reason. She turns away from the building and focuses on getting into the car.

Rory was just going to drive back to New York but she decides to go through Stars Hollow. She's a little afraid of running into Lorelai but maybe Rory could catch Lane. She's sure Lane already knows from the speed gossip spreads through Stars Hollow, but Rory wants to tell her anyway. Driving slowly through town, Rory peers out of the window and is rewarded as she sees Lane walk out of Doose's.

"Lane!" Rory calls, stopping the car. "Hey!"

"Rory?!" Lane runs over the road to her and Rory gets out, hugging her. Lane hugs her tightly back and exclaims, "Is it true you ran away to New York with Jess?"

"You know already?"

"Are you kidding? It's all over town!"

"Of course." Rory rolls her eyes but tries to smile and Lane asks, "Is it true you and Lorelai aren't speaking?"

"We had a fight, but..." Rory frowns and says, "I don't know."

"Was she really mad?" Lane asks, lowering her voice and Rory nods. "She thinks it's a big mistake."

"But Jess loves you, right? That's so romantic, to have a guy ask you to leave with him like that! Is it amazing?"

"It's only been one night," Rory says, laughing. "But it's good."

"What's New York like?"

"It's great." Rory doesn't describe the rundown apartment.

"When are you coming back?" Lane asks and Rory shrugs, feeling more serious. "After summer, I think."

"I wish something that romantic would happen to me."

"It will," Rory says firmly. "Listen, call me over summer, okay? I want to keep with Hep Alien."

"I don't think there'll be much to keep up with."

"Well, I want to keep up with you."

"That's a given." The girls hug and Lane says ruefully, "I've got to go. I'm helping out at the store."

"I'll call you soon."

Lane looks around, hesitates and asks quietly, "Have you slept with him?"

Rory simply shakes her head. She's too aware of Miss Patty's range of hearing, plus she feels shy. "I'll tell you," she promises. Lane hugs her goodbye again and Rory waves as she walks down the street. She's just about to get back in her car when Rory sees Dean on the other side of the road. Rory considers just driving away but she waits until Dean reaches her, a taut expression on his face.

"Hey," Rory says and Dean demands, "Is is true? You left with Jess?"

It's a polar opposite to Lane's reaction. Rory says, "Yes, it is," and Dean exclaims, "Why?"

"Because I wanted to."

"That guy treated you like dirt!" Dean says furiously. "He treated you like dirt, left town and now you're going off with him?"

"It's not like that."

"It looks that way to me," Dean snaps and Rory retorts, "What do you care anyway? You're married!"

Dean pauses, running his palm across his mouth, and then says, "Look, last night - I thought maybe..."

"But you're married," Rory says again. "Where did Lindsay think you were? What's going on?"

"It's over between us."

"Dean..."

"You shouldn't be with Jess," Dean says and Rory snaps, "That's my call. You shouldn't have gotten married. I've got to go."

"That's what I'm saying!" Dean shouts as Rory gets back in her car. "That's my point!"

She shouldn't have stopped there, Rory thinks as she drives away. She should've just called Lane. She feels weird and shaky all over and that was without even running into Lorelai. Rory should've factored running into Dean. She wonders what he was getting at, and then Rory grips the wheel. She thinks she knows. But he married Lindsay and she's with Jess.

Rory makes a couple of false turns before seeing the store for the turning. She calls Jess and he comes down to let her in. "How was the drive?"

"Okay." Rory decides not to tell him about Stars Hollow and gives him a kiss instead. As he makes some coffee he bought for them, Rory decides not to tell him she bought condoms either. It doesn't feel like the right moment. Jess gives her a kiss as the coffee brews and runs a hand through her hair. The sky is clouding outside but as the coffee brews Rory brightens inside. This is the right time for them. This is where she's meant to be.


	5. Chapter 5

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They sit uncertainly in the apartment after Rory gets back. Jess made them coffee but now that they've finished it he feels awkward. He twirls the mug in his hand, wondering when it won't be too soon to offer another. It's cold in the apartment. It's always either a low chill or an unbearable heat. Rory wraps her arms around herself and Jess gets up, lifting a blanket from the bed.

"Here."

"Thanks." Jess thinks Rory will just take it but instead she climbs on the bed and after a moment Jess joins her. Rory tucks the blanket over her shoulders, leaning against the wall, and then she smiles and reaches up to give Jess a kiss. Jess kisses her back, soft and then harder, running his hand through her hair. Rory kisses him back and then abruptly stops, almost sheepish. Jess smiles and leans back. He could start to feel himself getting hard. Jess looks at Rory shake her hair back from her face and says, "You cut it."

He noticed that months ago, told so by Gypsy of all people, but hasn't remarked on it before.

"Yeah," Rory says, trailing her fingers through the ends. "Do you like it?"

Jess loved her long hair but doesn't say so. It would come out wrong, like he was judging it, and he thinks it looks interesting on her. He settles on, "It's cute."

"It's starting to grow out now."

"Why'd you do it?"

Rory gives him a long look. "I wanted a change."

Jess can tell what she means. In California he nearly got a tattoo. He wanted to do something, change something, and was so close he was in line at the tattoo parlour and at the very last minute changed his mind. It suddenly felt like it was a mistake. Jess knew that if he got it there that day it would just be him saying _look, I'm different_. Not because he actually wanted whatever symbol he chose for his skin. He knew he'd come to resent it.

Rory tucks her knees up and then says, "I drove through Stars Hollow."

"How come?" Jess is nervous, out of nowhere, and Rory says, "I wanted to talk to Lane. I wanted to tell her what happened."

"Did you?"

"Yes." Rory pauses and then says, "I ran into Dean."

_"Dean?" _Jess echoes. There's a nasty taste in his mouth suddenly. "What did you and _Dean_ talk about?"

"Don't ask me like that."

"Like what, Rory?"

"Like you're saying something happened!"

"Hey, I don't know what happened! That's what I'm asking!"

Rory lets out a sharp breath and Jess remembers how he saw them stand together, right before he ran into Rory at her dorm. They looked almost caught out when Jess interrupted them.

"Nothing happened," Rory says angrily. "I told him I was with you."

"And what did Dean have to say about that?"

"He wasn't happy - Jess, what does it matter? I'm with you, not him!"

"Didn't he get married?"

"_Exactly_! But even if he weren't, I'm with you!"

Rory is staring at him and Jess forces himself not to look away. What the hell? They've been together less than two days and already fighting? Over _Dean_? What the hell are they doing? Jess takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to - I'm sorry, okay?"

"It's okay," Rory says quietly. She looks folorn and Jess feels like a jerk. He remembers the day after the party, when Rory nearly came to see him at the diner and he was too proud to run after her until she was gone. After he fucked it all up.

"Do you want more coffee?" Jess asks and Rory nods, smiling, and Jess relaxes, taking her cup. As he makes the coffee he breathes steadily, closing his eyes for a moment. What, is he going to mess this all up before they've even got started? They haven't even had sex yet! Rory loves him and he loves her. That's what matters right now. Jess is not going to screw this up like before. Jess brings the coffee to the bed and this time he takes part of the blanket so it's over his shoulder. His arm and side press against Rory's, the curve of her hip cupping his in a neat fit They smile at each other, both a little bashful. Jess awkwardly drinks his coffee with his other hand and almost coughs when Rory asks, "Can I ask what you did last year?" Instead, Jess manages to swallow and says, "Sure." Rory nods, pauses and asks, "You went to see your dad, right?"

"I did."

Rory waits and Jess says, "He has another kid now."

"A kid?"

"Yeah, Lily."

"So - you have a half-sister?"

"No," Jess says and Rory frowns. "She's like Jimmy's adopted kid. He's got a girlfriend, Sasha...it's her kid."

"Oh."

"She's great," Jess says. "Lily'd spend hours reading in a closet and you wouldn't know she was there until she crawled out and scared you half to death."

Rory smiles. "You sure she's not your sister?"

"Sasha had her before she met Jimmy." Rory nods and adds, "Bad joke, sorry."

"No - it's okay. I thought the same thing. But I still don't have any siblings, as far as I know."

Jess doesn't voice his thought that he wouldn't be shocked if he did have a couple of half-siblings out there. Jimmy could've knocked someone up and never known, and neither would Jess. He'd never know. Jess wrinkles part of the blanket between his fingers. God, why did he start off talking about Lily? Jess doesn't want to talk about her because he already misses the kid so much. He takes a breath as Rory asks gently, "What was it like, living there?"

"It was okay," Jess says. "No, it was weird. House was like a freaking zoo and not just because of all the random cats and dogs living there. It was crazy. There was one room full of clown statues."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Jess's voice is light but he looks away as he says, "I nearly didn't stay there."

"How come?"

"Jimmy didn't want me to."

"What? Jess..."

"I think he was scared or something. Kid hasn't showed up since he left him eighteen years ago and asks to stay - it freaked him out."

"He's your father," Rory says angrily and Jess shrugs. "He let me stay there in the end anyway." He doesn't comment that Lily was more Jimmy's daughter than Jess was his son.

There's a pause and then Rory asks, "What did you do there?"

_I missed you_, Jess wants to say_. I'd go to the beach or the bookstore or the town and I missed you like hell._ He doesn't say that. "I hung out, mostly. Spent a lot of time at the beach - the place was right on the ocean."

"I bet it was beautiful."

"It was nice."

"I can't imagine you on a beach," Rory remarks and Jess laughs. "I didn't sunbathe or anything. I mostly just read. There was an amazing bookstore - I wish I could've shown you."

"Me too." Rory smiles and Jess knows she wants to know more, but he doesn't want to talk about all of it. How some of it was good but he never felt at home there, and how much he missed Rory, all the time. How much he wanted to call her but didn't let himself. About the skaters he hung out with and the girl he kissed once, but they laughed afterwards and understood they were just friends. He'd told her all about Rory and she'd given him a nudge and said _you love her. Go tell her that. _Jess doesn't feel able to tell Rory any of this. She waits, wondering, and finally Jess says, "Some of it was okay. I made friends with these skaters who hung out near the boardwalk. And Jimmy wasn't so bad. He has this incredible record collection, like all the music I ever wanted to listen to, and it was cool getting to know him a little. And his girlfriend was cool too, and I liked hanging out with Lily."

"I'm glad," Rory says softly. Jess sips more coffee and says, "I left after summer."

"What happened?"

"It was time to go." Jess remembers sitting at he kitchen table, the bright sun starting to set, and Jimmy remarking, "Summer season's starting to slow down. Weird how the seasons are pretty much the same but summer's over." And Jess knew he had to go. He couldn't stay out there forever, and it was starting to get awkward with Jimmy anyway. They got along but Jess could tell Jimmy was wondering when he was going to go. He hadn't signed on for an extra kid - he'd walked out on that life years ago. _Fine_, Jess thought. He didn't want to stay in an endless season anyway, growing old on the boardwalk. He'd left the next day.

"Where did you go?" Rory asks, shaking him from his thoughts. "You didn't come back here..."

"Took a few buses around, travelled. A slow cross-country."

Rory smiles, looking perturbed and Jess says, "There's not too much to tell. Anyway, I wound up back in New York. I know the city." He remembers Luke's jibe, back in winter - _you write the great American novel or something? _Like Jess was even capable of that. He'd mostly bumped around, place to place, trying not to stay with his thoughts too long.

"Did it feel weird, coming back?"

Jess shrugs. "Sort of." He thinks about how much he missed Rory all year, how it ached when he told her he loved her and she seemed to freeze and Jess couldn't handle it. It makes him wonder more about her life in those months and he asks, "How was Yale?"

"Oh...it was okay," Rory says simply. Jess looks at her and hopes she gives more information. He feels raw sharing what he did. Rory shifts and says quietly, "It wasn't what I expected."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah...the classes were harder than I thought." Rory pauses and Jess wonders if she'll say anything about not seeing him but she doesn't. Instead, she finishes her coffee and stares straight ahead. "But it's okay," she adds suddenly, sounding bright. "It's just an adjustment."

"Right."

"It's fine now."

"Good. I'm glad."

"Some of the classes were great," Rory says. "You'd love them."

Jess can't help snorting and Rory looks hurt. "Sorry - I just don't think I'd fit in at Yale."

"You'd know what they were talking about."

"Maybe." Now it's Jess's turn to fall silent. He doesn't know what he's going to do, unlike Rory. She always knows where she's going. Still, Jess thinks, right now it's pretty good. He's here with Rory and the rest doesn't matter. She rests her head on his shoulder and he takes her hand and they don't say anything else.


	6. Chapter 6

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The next afternoon leaves Rory alone in the apartment. Jess has gone to work - he passes on messages for people - and will be back in a couple of hours. Rory doesn't know what to do with herself. She guesses she should unpack a few things but feels weirdly resistant opening up the boxes. Telling herself not to be dumb, Rory gets a knife from the kitchen and slices a box open, almost catching her finger. Carefully putting the knife down, Rory opens the box properly and pulls out of her clothes. She shakes them out and goes to put them away and then remembers there's no closet. Jess's clothes are piled on a chair in the corner and every few days he takes the dirty ones to the laundromat. Moving the pile aside a little, Rory puts a few outfits next to Jess's and guesses there's no point unpacking the rest. She can just get them out when she needs them, and doesn't think about retrieving her books. There isn't room, she thinks. Rory finds the book she had in her purse and curls up on the bed to finish it. She can't concentrate properly. She keeps wondering about what she's doing here, how long she'll stay. Rory gets an uncomfortable sensation in her chest when she thinks about that, but when Jess is there she mostly forgets it. Rory tries looking at the page one more time when the door opens and Jess comes in, wiping her thoughts away.

"Hey!" Rory exclaims, putting the book down and going over to him. "How was work?"

"Same old same old," Jess shrugs, giving her a kiss. "Not a lot to it."

"But it was okay?"

"It was fine."

Jess goes to get a bottle of water from the fridge and takes a long swig before going over and sitting next to Rory on the bed. "Hey," he says fondly and Rory smiles back. "Hey."

He kisses her and Rory kisses him back, softly and then more heavily, putting her arms around him. They kiss harder, lying down together, and Rory shivers slightly as Jess moves on top of her. She keeps her arms around him, moving her hips against his, and Rory welcomes his touch against her breasts when he reaches under her bra. They kiss like that for a while but when Jess starts to unbutton the button on her jeans Rory shakes her head, sitting up. Jess stops, sitting up with her and breathing heavily and Rory says, "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for."

"I know. It's just - I want to, I just..."

"We'll go slow," Jess says, taking Rory's hand, and they lie back down. Rory doesn't know why she's holding off. She isn't sorry exactly, but she's frustrated with herself. It's not that she's especially attached to her virginity. Part of her wants to just have sex so it's over with, the whole first time, but when they gets close Rory stops. She doesn't feel nervous, exactly. She's a little uncertain about what sex will be like but Rory wants to find out. She's touched herself before and likes the thought of Jess touching her too, doing more, but then in the moment it feels too much. Rory wonders when it is you know it's right. Maybe you just have to do it. Still, she's good with taking it slow for now. Last year she had it all planned out. She wanted to do it after prom, though the stereotype, gave her pause, and settled for somewhere in that vicinity. Rory was so ready she'd told Lorelai she was thinking about it and even bought condoms and new underwear. She _knew _it would happen. She wanted it to more than anything. Rory was totally ready and then Jess left and now she's unready again. It seems stupid. Rory lies on her back, staring the ceiling, and feels Jess run his fingers through her hair. Rory wonders if he really does like it short. She doesn't know if she likes it short. All she knew was that she was in Yale but still carrying around all this stuff from high school, and Rory found herself in a salon, staring in a mirror. She had some hair taken off a couple of months back but Rory wanted a real haircut. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd had short hair and the hairdresser had asked, "Are you sure?" Rory said she was. The hairdresser promised a cute little bob and that's what Rory left with. She was very happy when she saw the result. She looked like someone new. The feeling lasted until the next morning and then Rory just felt even worse than before. A haircut hadn't solved her hurt. Rory is glad she changed it, but is also happy that it's growing back out. She doesn't think she'll cut it off again.

Rory looks to her side and Jess smiles at her. She smiles back but despite their talk yesterday, still doesn't feel she got Jess's full story. Still, Rory supposes she can't judge. When Jess asked how her year had been all she'd said that it was an adjustment. You hurt me, is what she'd wanted to say. You just left. Rory had been mad at Jess and missed him, and been mad at herself for missing him, and it was a whole big mess. She knows he's sorry. She knows he loves her, and she loves him too, but she's still mad at him and that hasn't gone away. She could tell him, but Rory's proud as well as hurt. She doesn't want to tell Jess how many nights she lay awake, wondering what she did to make him go without telling her. She doesn't want to feel like she needs him to be okay. Rory looks away, focusing on tugging her bra and shirt back down and Jess asks gently, "Do you want some coffee?"

"That'd be great...thanks."

Jess gets up to make it and Rory sits up, hugging her knees to her chest. Coffee is making her think of Lorelai. Rory wonders how her mother is and feels a snag of guilt. It's not so long until Lorelai's test run of The Dragonfly, and Rory was going to do it with her. She was excited - they both were. This is what Lorelai has been working towards pretty much since Rory's birth. Rory almost wants to ask if Lorelai wants her to come down just for that night to help as planned, but knows what the answer would be. It hurts being in a bad place with her. Rory takes the cup from Jess and shrugs when he asks, "You okay?"

"Fine."

"You seem quiet."

"Just thinking."

Jess nods, kissing her cheek, but doesn't ask and Rory doesn't explain. As they sip coffee together Rory starts to relax and Jess looks over at the chair. "Hey, you unpacked?"

"Just a little. I need a chair of my own for clothes."

Jess nods and Rory muses, "I need a job too. There aren't any bookstores around here, are there?"

"Wouldn't bet a lot of money on it."

Rory sighs. She wouldn't bet a lot of money on it either, judging from what she's seen. She'll start looking tomorrow, and doesn't have high hopes for anything. But at least it's good here in the apartment. It's not very pretty or comfortable, and today it's too hot in comparison to yesterday's damp cold, but Rory feels more herself here than in the Yale dorm. All year she never felt quite at place there, despite Emily's living room set. Everyone seemed to find a groove except her. Rory takes another boiling sip to stop moping.

"You should unpack for real," Jess says decidedly. "I'm sure I can find some shelves or something."

"Who ever knew you were such a handyman?"

"Picked a few things living with Luke. Guess something worked out after all."

Jess is grinning but he sounds almost sad and Rory starts to say, "Jess -"

"We'll find something," Jess says interrupting her. "This place is both of us, right?"

"Right," Rory agrees, looking at the room surrounding them. "It's for both of us."


	7. Chapter 7

Kissing Rory like this is killing him. He promises her they'll take it slow and he means it, but Jess hopes she'll be ready soon. He wonders if girls crave sex the same way guys do. He hasn't had a lot of sex this year though. A couple of one night stands here and there. Jess didn't sleep with anyone in California. It didn't feel right, cheesy as it sounds, but then he was back on the road and met a girl in a bar. They both wanted the same thing, some meaningless sex, and it was fine until the next morning when Jess just wanted to be gone. There wasn't anything wrong with the girl, it was him. Sex was supposed to be a distraction but it had gone the other way instead, bringing everything he was ruminating on into a weird light. Jess figured maybe it was simply down to not getting any in a while, but the same feeling came back a month later, with another girl. _You look weird_, she'd said, her breasts spilling over as she'd leant up on an elbow and Jess shrugged. _I thought we had a pretty good time_. Jess had shrugged again and she asked shrewdly, _you hung up on someone? _Jess had answered that by getting dressed, and ignored the girl as she added, _maybe you should be doing her instead of me_. Like it was as easy as that! They hadn't said much more to each other by the girl's eyes were kind as she paused and said, _I know it's not my place or whatever, but you should talk to her._ Jess had surprised himself by saying, _I can't_. The girl had put a hand on his shoulder, smiled and said, _how do you know she doesn't feel the same way? _And then she left before Jess could answer.

Jess wonders if she'd approve of him getting up the courage. Katie - that was her name. She probably doesn't remember Jess's. It already feels like a lifetime ago. After Katie, he'd told Rory he loved her, and when she didn't say anything he'd gone back to New York and slept with someone after barely talking to them. Jess feels almost embarrassed about that. The girl left when he was still asleep so at least there wasn't any awkward conversation. That was the last time he had casual sex. Not out of any moral reasoning, but because he wanted space, and couldn't stand the mornings after, even if the girl didn't hang around. If Rory hadn't gone with him though, Jess thinks he might have revisited that decision.

Rory did go with him. She's with him and he's sharing a bed with her and they're on the edge of sex. Jess is nervous. He doesn't want to tell Rory that, but he is. He's never had sex with someone he cares about, let alone sex with someone he loves. And it's her first time. Jess has never had sex with a virgin, as far as he knows. What if he messes it up or she doesn't have a good time? At least with one night stands you don't have to deal with seeing the person the next day. Or with Shane, sex was the only reason they were together. There wasn't a whole lot of talking involved. But now there's all this pressure. Jess wants it to be good for her. His own first time is a fairly awkward memory and he doesn't want Rory to laugh at hers. What if she laughs at him?

One evening Jess is lying on the bed with Rory. They've been making out for a while, his lips sore, and he's still hard from touching her, lying his cheek to her chest. She hesitated as his hands got further south so Jess stopped, and now they've fallen into silence. Rory shifts slightly and says, "I'm still a - I mean, I've never had sex."

Jess nods and she adds, "I guess you could tell."

"I know you," Jess says simply and Rory looks at him, smiling with a slightly confused expression. He looks up at Rory, her cheeks still flushed, and says, "I'm sorry about the party."

"What?"

"You know," Jess says, sitting up. "Before I went to see my dad. Lane was playing."

Rory nods and Jess takes a deep breath. "I wasn't mad at you," he says. "I'm sorry. I was a jerk - I shouldn't have yelled at you. But I wasn't yelling at you because you didn't want to have sex."

Rory nods again and Jess says again, "I'm sorry, Rory. I was mad at all this stuff with my dad and with school and Luke and I yelled at you and I was an ass. I wasn't mad at you about sex."

"I know," Rory says quietly. "It's okay."

"I never meant to make you feel bad about it."

Rory takes his hand and Jess lets out a breath. "I'm sorry...I was least mad at you and I yelled at you. I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago now." Only a year, but it feels longer for Jess, and he suspects for Rory too. God, how he wishes he could take it back, do it all over. He wanted to have sex with her so much. He wanted to do it there, but Jess knows it would be like when he had sex those other times - it would've been awkward afterwards. He remembers the fight with Dean, striding across the lawn streaked with lights from the police car and Rory calling his name. Jess had stopped, looked round and seen the pleading in her eyes. Jess walked away. _I'm not good enough for you_. It was easier to walk away than figure it out. He kisses Rory's fingers.

"I wanted to be with you," she says suddenly. "Just not at the party."

"You don't have to explain."

"I know. I want to tell you. I did want to be with you, just not there, not like that."

"You're right," Jess nods and Rory smiles. She stretches, getting up. Even seeing the gap of skin as she lifts her arms is sending Jess crazy again and he gets up, remembering all the cold showers he'd take after their sessions on the couch at Luke's. That feels like a million years ago too. Jess gets up and says, "I need to take some stuff to the Laundromat. Want to see it?"

"Is a guy going to strip off like in that old commercial?"

"Which guy?"

"Any guy."

"Me?" Jess teases and Rory laughs, though she blushes a little. Focusing on gathering her laundry, she puts it in a bag and follows him out of the building and down the street. It's a warm night but not exactly a wholesome summer evening. A man and woman are yelling across the street at each other until the man spits out _bitch! _and turns, storming the other way. Jess almost goes flying over the new crack in the sidewalk, until Rory grabs his arm, looking a little nervous. As they walk along Jess notices the woman eyeing them up and down before turning herself, ranting loudly to anyone who can listen about that sonofabitch. Rory looks relieved as they reach the laundromat and Jess remarks, "Just a little different from Stars Hollow, huh?"

"You think?" They smile at each other and start unloading the laundry. Rory doesn't have too much but shakes her head when Jess offers, "You can throw it in with mine."

"I've got enough for a load." Jess thinks that's debatable but doesn't fight her on it as Rory fishes out quarters and feeds them into the machine. "You know at Yale, I did my laundry in the middle of the night."

"Really?"

"No line at that time. I had a few too many experiences of people dumping your perfectly clean laundry on the floor, or in the garbage, even!"

"I've seen worse." Rory stops mid-rant, seeming a little embarrassed and Jess wants to kick himself. He wasn't trying to put her down. "People suck, is all I mean."

"Yeah," Rory says, sounding more cheerful. They watch the clothes spin in their respective cycles as the night deepens outside. As it gets darker, Rory asks, "What do you want to do for dinner?"

"Maybe sandwiches. I don't know, we should go to the store soon."

"How about a pizza? There's a takeout place on the corner."

"And as far as I know it hasn't broken any healthcode violations," Jess remarks. "Or the inspector hasn't checked it yet."

"Good enough for me."

"I didn't bring my wallet."

"I've got mine. Let's do it."

After the laundry is done they get the pizza. Jess can't deny he's a little trepidatious about eating it - living with Luke the health nut will do that to a guy - but it's not bad at all. He didn't know how hungry he was until he started a slice. He and Rory eat it on the floor, their backs to the bed, and Jess feels a dumb, happy smile spread across his face. He can't remember the last time he was this happy. Maybe it's like what that random hippy said to him back in California - everything happens for a reason after all. Leaving Stars Hollow led to being in New York with Rory and right now, Jess wouldn't change a thing.


	8. Chapter 8

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The test run for Lorelai's inn is almost here. Rory can't stop thinking about it. It feels so wrong not to be there, even if she and Lorelai are on the outs. It feels weird to be fighting with Lorelai in general. Rory takes a deep breath and distracts herself with a job hunt. Rent for Jess's apartment is pretty cheap, but she doesn't feel right having him cover it. Jess is at work right now and Rory double checks she has the key he cut for her before stepping out, testing that the door is definitely locked before heading down the stairs.

It's a sticky day. The air is heavy yet hazy and Rory feels sweat steadily trickle down her back before she's halfway down the sidewalk. There's a chorus of traffic surrounding her, car horns echoing human shouts and screeches of brakes. A lot of the stores along this street look tired and Rory can't imagine they get a lot of business. The windows have half-taped posters hanging on the glass, so gloomy you can't see inside. Rory thinks one is closed until the door opens and a man leans out, his tattered shirt hanging over a scarred chest. He gives Rory a lazy grin.

"Hey...can I help you?"

"No," Rory says and the man asks, "Sure about that?"

"Yes. Thank you." Rory picks up her pace as she hears him laugh but to her relief he's gone back inside when she glances back. At the end of the street is a cafe and Rory quickly goes inside, just in case the man decides to come back out.

"Sit."

"What?" Rory asks, blinking. A woman is staring at her, snapping gum, a hand on her hip and the other holding a notepad, and round her waist is a dingy grey apron with splats of sauce.

"Sit down and order something."

The cafe is hardly full of customers but Rory sits down all the same. The cafe doesn't seem old but like the stores, there is a tired air to it. An incongruous jukebox stands in the corner which Rory wagers no one plays. She orders some water and then quickly adds a request for soda, going by the waitress's frown. Silently, she goes to the back and returns with a cola bottle with a straw in it. She forgot the water but Rory doesn't remark on it. Instead, she meekly sips the soda and then asks, "Do you, um, have any jobs?"

"For you?"

"Yes," Rory says awkwardly, unsure if a dig was being made. The waitress grunts and asks, "Ever done waitress work before?"

"A little," Rory says. "I mean, I helped out at the diner where I lived sometimes."

This was a rare occurrence but Rory doesn't add that. She bites her lip and the waitress grunts again. She gives Rory a look and then says, "You can start on Monday."

"I got the job?"

"You got the job and between you and me, I wouldn't get too excited about it. You can do Monday to Friday, morning to closing. What's your name?"

"Rory."

"Rory. Huh."

"My real name's Lorelai but my mom named me Rory because she was all whacked out from what they gave her after birth and -"

"Whatever," the waitress says, cutting off Rory's burbling. "Be here at eight on Monday and I'll show you the ropes."

"Thank you!" Rory says, digging out some coins for the soda and the waitress rolls her eyes.

"As I said, I wouldn't get too excited. See you Monday."

Rory heads back down the street with a spring in her step. She has got a job! She is a working woman! Okay, so it's being a waitress and Rory is sure it won't be too thrilling, but it has to be better than that cardswiping job in the canteen. At least, it can't be worse. Either way, she went out and found a job and Rory laughs out loud to herself. Her good mood is a little dimmed when she gets back. The apartment is empty and hot and Jess won't be back for a few more hours. Rory gets a book out from one of the boxes and tries to read but it's too hot to concentrate. There's no TV. There's nothing to do. Rory can feel her mood fading further and her thoughts wander back to Lorelai. The test run is tonight. It suddenly seems wrong not to be there and, though Rory has mixed feelings about it, she decides to drive to Stars Hollow. Jess has left his cellphone in the apartment so Rory leaves him a note before quickly taking a shower, brushing her hair, grabbing the keys, and heading back out. The car is still safely where she left it. Rory feels almost a jolt of homesickness as she gets back behind the wheel, despite it being barely any time since she last drove it. Rory's mixed feelings get stronger with each passing mile but she drives determinedly back to her hometown. She feels that she at least has to give it a shot.

It feels strange driving back into Stars Hollow. There are signs up for the summer festival, children running around the square and squealing as they splash water at each other. Rory reads a poster for the Soda Shoppe's Icecream Queen and something tells her Taylor Doose won't be begging her to try for it this year. Rory wonders what Lorelai told them. No doubt they're blaming Jess, as always.

Lorelai isn't home when Rory eventually reaches the house. She considers just going back but hesitates, lingering in her room. There's still all this stuff she'd left behind and things she'd brought back between stints at Yale; clothes Rory had forgotten about or had deliberately taken home because she knew she'd have so much to pack on the next trip. The summer had seemed so straightforward then. Rory runs her hand over the folded shirts, feeling a touch of sadness, which deepens as she looks at the books on the shelf, the whole world of her childhood. She should just go, she thinks. She should try the Dragonfly for Lorelai but Rory's courage is already petering out. She looks around the room one last time, walks back into the hall and then jumps almost five feet in the air as the front door opens and Lorelai comes in.

"Jeez!" Lorelai exclaims, hand on her heart. "You scared me half to death!"

"So did you!" Rory protests, wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. They stare at each other for a moment and then Lorelai asks, "What are you doing here?"

"It's the test run," Rory says. "I thought I should be here."

Now that the words are out they sound stupid. Her mother stares at her and finally says, "Are you still in New York?"

"Of course I am."

Lorelai nods, putting down her keys but doesn't say anything. Rory waits and then asks, "So you don't want me here?"

"That's not what I said."

"You aren't giving me much of a welcome."

"What do you want me to say, Rory?" Lorelai snaps. "You've run off to New York and stopped by with no call for my test run and I'm supposed to throw a party?"

"I never thought I had to call first," Rory says, stung, and Lorelai's expression softens. "I didn't mean - Rory, you know that's not my point."

"So what is your point?"

"You know what my point is," Lorelai says angrily, her expression set again. "My point is you took off to live with your ex-boyfriend and now you've just shown up like nothing's happened."

"So I shouldn't have come?"

"You shouldn't have gone with Jess," Lorelai says. "How's that going, by the way?"

"It's great."

"Oh really?"

"Really. I got a job as a waitress."

"Wow," Lorelai says. She laughs a little but it sounds closer to a sob. "So instead of preparing for your next year at Yale you're going to be a waitress?"

"You sound like Grandma," Rory can't help saying and Lorelai's eyes flash with anger.

"You aren't sixteen with a baby. You're in college. I did what I did because I had to. You've got something going for you and you're throwing it away."

"I still do, I'm not throwing away anything! This is summer!"

"Tell me how that works out," Lorelai retorts. "Summer's not going to last, Rory. What's going to happen in September when you're supposed to be back in school? Mom and Dad blame me for this, you know. They're not talking to me. Dad asked me if his granddaughter was going to drop out of college just like how I dropped out of high school and then he hung up on me before I could tell him you might."

Rory folds her arms and Lorelai goes on, "So my parents aren't talking to me and my daughter bailed on me. My summer's going to be just terrific."

"I'm not a kid," Rory says. "I'm sorry Grandma and Grandpa blamed you and I'm sorry I sprung this on you, but it's my life. It's my decision. I'm happy, Mom."

"You're happy now," Lorelai argues and although Rory doesn't ask her to continue Lorelai adds, "Get back to me on how happy you are after a whole summer of waitress work and crappy wages. Just promise me you're being careful."

"It's not your business," Rory snaps. She doesn't tell her mother she hasn't even had sex yet. It feels private, and Rory doesn't want to hear some joke about it. She looks away but when Lorelai presses, "Just promise me," Rory says angrily, "Fine, I promise."

Lorelai sighs, going silent and Rory says, "I shouldn't have bothered coming, I'm sorry. I just thought I should be here for tonight."

"Rory..."

"Forget it! You're mad at me and I'm mad at you and fine, it's whatever this is. I'm going to go. Good luck for tonight."

Lorelai looks sad but she doesn't try and stop Rory. Instead she watches as her daughter gets back in the car and starts up the street. Rory sees Luke sweeping outside the diner but doesn't slow down, hoping he doesn't notice her. Rory can handle her mother being upset with her but can't stand the idea of Luke being mad. Rory guesses Luke will be at the Dragonfly tonight, where Lorelai will doubtlessly tell him all about their fight. The thought makes her uncomfortable and Rory speeds up the engine.

Jess is home by the time Rory gets back to the apartment. She feels more upset than mad now and it must show because Jess takes her arms and says, "Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing..."

"You had a fight with Lorelai?"

Rory nods and Jess asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Rory says, wiping her eyes in case a tear has spilled out. "I don't want to talk about Mom. I don't want to talk about any of it."

Jess nods and Rory kisses him. He seems surprised but kisses her back, putting his arms around her. Rory kisses and kisses him and, without planning it, leads him over to the bed. They lie down together and as Jess reaches under her shirt Rory says breathlessly, "I don't want to stop."

Jess does stop. He sits up a little, looking at her, and Rory insists, "I want to keep going."

"Are you sure?" Jess asks and Rory nods. "I'm ready. I want to have sex."

"Okay," Jess says. He sounds happy but cautious, which is kind of how Rory's feeling. She feels happy and uncertain and a little reckless and all she wants to do is keep going. She's tired of being the good girl from Stars Hollow. She's tired of being a virgin. But it's not only that; being with Jess is like waking up and Rory wants to be with him. She wants to let go of being mad at him and seeing Jess now is making Rory feel better in every way. She wants to have sex with him. Rory is done with waiting. She leans over and kisses Jess again and giggles as he kisses her back and they both slip back down on the bed. They kiss harder and harder and the light mood moves to something more serious. Jess lifts off Rory's shirt and she pulls off his, and nods as he touches the back of her bra. Jess unclasps it and Rory helps him take it off. They look at each other nervously and then are kissing again, pressing their chests together, and Rory is caught by thinking how they're more similar, skin to skin. It's strange but oddly normal at the same time. The thought drifts away as Jess kisses her some more. Jess has got thin, Rory thinks, too thin, but then she's distracted by the rest of Jess's body. He is hard against her legs and Rory can't catch her breath. His fingers graze her hips and this time Rory doesn't want to stop. She helps Jess tug down her jeans and then his own and then they are lying together with only their underwear on. Rory is wearing a faded pair of panties and remarks nervously, "Not the sexiest pair, I know."

"Are you kidding?" They giggle and Rory feels better, but when they stop her heart thuds. _This is it_. Reading her thoughts, Jess tucks some hair behind her ears and says, "We can stop, Rory. If you've changed your mind."

"I haven't," Rory promises. She smiles at Jess reassuringly, who seems more nervous than she does. It's almost as if she has had sex and he hasn't. Rory kisses him and he hesitantly kisses her back, then they are on top of each other, Rory moving her hips against his. Jess stops, slowly pulls down her underwear and touches between Rory's legs. "This okay?" he whispers and Rory nods, reaching and holding his hand there. It feels new but good. They kiss more and more heavily and Rory gasps when Jess moves a finger inside her. "Are you okay?" he asks quickly and Rory says, "It's good, I'm good," and it is. It's new but it feels wonderful. Why was she waiting? Rory feels herself release as she did when she touched herself before, back at home, and lets out a moan. Jess lies back against the bed with her and when Rory touches his erection he closes his eyes and groans. Rory isn't really sure what she's doing but she moves her hand up and down until Jess catches her wrist and says, "Wait, I don't want to -"

"Oh, right," Rory says, blushing, and Jess sits up. He reaches into the drawer by the bed and gets out a condom. Rory wonders when he got them, if they were already there before she was, and tells him, "I bought some too." She feels shy, strangely, thinking of Jess getting them and telling him about hers.

"Oh yeah?" Jess asks, smiling, and Rory giggles, no longer awkward. "Thought you'd get lucky, huh?"

"Something along those lines," Rory says. She watches Jess unwrap a condom and then feels shy again, looking away as he rolls it on. Rory concentrates on staring at a mark on the ceiling, but looks back when Jess touches her arm.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." Rory smiles at him and leans up to give him a kiss. Jess kisses her back, shifting so he's between her legs. He kisses her neck and her breasts and stomach until Rory is panting and she says, "Do it, let's just do it."

"Rory..."

"I want to," Rory says sincerely. "Don't you want to?"

Jess answers by kissing her. They kiss and kiss and Jess pants, "Okay," and Rory lifts her hips and closes her eyes as she feels Jess nudge against her. She opens her eyes and asks, "Jess, what's wrong?"

"Nothing...I want it to be good for you."

"It is," Rory promises. She moves her legs a little wider and kisses Jess again. He kisses her too, pushing against her again, and then Rory feels something give. She gasps a little as Jess moves inside her and he asks, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory says. It's a strange feeling, a whole new element to herself. Rory isn't sure what to do but she wraps her arms around Jess's neck as he thrusts a little. He moves a few more times and then Rory feels a sharp pain. "Wait - stop."

Jess quickly moves back out, breathing heavily, and says, "Sorry."

"No, it's fine. I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"It was starting to hurt, that's all."

"But you're okay?" Jess asks and Rory nods. "And it was okay - the whole thing?"

"The whole thing was wonderful," Rory answers. "I mean, I felt a little awkward, but I'm glad we did it."

"I'm glad we did it too," Jess says and laughs as Rory nudges him with her hip and says, "I'm sure you are."

Jess lifts her hand to kiss it and Rory smiles. She lies back against the pillow, feeling content, and oddly emotional.

"You're upset," Jess says, concerned but Rory shakes her head. "No, I'm happy. I love you," she says, looking at Jess and kissing him.

"I love you too," Jess says giving her a kiss back. When he sits up afterwards he focuses on taking off the condom and Rory slips out of bed to go to the bathroom. There is very little blood. Rory looks at herself in the mirror as she washes her hands. _I will never be a virgin again. _Her face is flushed and there's a smile on her face, but Rory doesn't feel too different to before. She feels more that she found something rather than lost it. Sex isn't how she imagined.

Rory smiles at Jess as she gets back into bed with him. A slow warmth is spreading through her as well as the soreness. He kisses her cheek and asks, "You good?"

"I'm good," Rory promises. She snuggles against Jess's side and then laughs. "I got a job today."

"You did?"

"Yeah. In a cafe - I totally forgot to tell you." Rory can't believe getting the job and fighting with Lorelai all happened today. For some reason she can't stop laughing and Jess looks a little puzzled. Composing herself, Rory says, "Sorry, it just seems weird that I forgot."

"We got kind of busy," Jess teases and Rory giggles. She nods when Jess asks if she wants coffee and he brings over some sandwiches for them as well. They spend the rest of the day in bed, kissing and talking, until eventually falling asleep. Rory suddenly wakes up with a desperate need for the bathroom. It's cold when she gets up so Rory pulls on her nightshirt before getting back in bed. As she lies back down with Jess a line from a book suddenly enters her mind. _You can't go back to holding hands_. They've had sex. _So what,_ Rory thinks uncomfortably. She's glad they had sex. She doesn't want to be with anyone else. Rory lies closer to Jess and closes her eyes but it takes a while to fall asleep and for the new day to appear.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Jess looks across the bed at Rory and falls in love all over again. They've had sex three times now. Her body with his, moving with an uncertain rhythm. Like it was his first time again. In a way it was - sex has never held emotion before. Is it good for her? Rory promises it is but there's a distant look in her eyes. She had it when she said she wanted to have sex, their first time, but then it evaporated into their kissing and the look had gone. Jess thought he'd imagined it, but he catches it again now. Jess lies against the pillow, his skin throbbing, and glances across at Rory. She is staring straight up at the ceiling, her thoughts elsewhere.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory says, blinking, and Jess takes her hand.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory says brightly. "Why wouldn't I be fine?"

She turns to lean on her elbow, her breasts falling forward and Jess stares at them for a moment. He still can't believe he's privileged to see them, touch and kiss them. Before it was a grazing of hands under her shirt and occasionally over her bra. Jess never let himself imagine too much further - Luke was always wandering in and out and he already commented on how much time Jess spent in the bathroom. Rory is looking at him curiously and Jess shrugs.

"No reason."

Rory smiles and Jess hopes she'll kiss him, maybe want to have sex again, but instead she says, "I'm just thinking."

"Oh yeah?"

"Just about stuff. I start at the cafe tomorrow."

"Right." Jess doesn't voice that he can't picture Rory as a waitress. He's seen her help out at the diner but Luke's is a world away from a cafe in New York. Jess remembers when Rory told him she wanted to be an overseas correspondent, the same thought entering his mind - _seems a little too rough for you_. Rory had freaked out and Jess instantly felt guilty for saying it. He didn't mean to make her feel bad. Jess truly believes Rory can do anything she puts her mind to, but he has difficulty picturing her in that situation, or feeding angry New Yorkers. The danger level isn't as different as you might think. But what else can she do? There's hardly dozens of jobs to choose from and, after all, Jess brought her here. Rory _chose_ to came here, Jess corrects uneasily. He shifts a little under the sheet.

"What are you thinking?" Rory asks, turning the question to him, and Jess quickly says, "Nothing."

"Okay."

They look at each other and Jess senses Rory doesn't believe him, just as he doesn't believe it's only the cafe on her mind. But he doesn't want to wreck anything. It's still kind of delicate between them. Even the sex has a kind of unsureness to it, a hesitancy. They are together completely yet they're not. Afterwards, they smile shyly and slip away from each other. Jess wants to say all the right things but he doesn't know what they are. It's never been like this with anyone else. They lie together a little longer and then Jess starts to get out of bed. Rory looks up in surprise.

"I'm starting work earlier today," Jess tells her, which is only a half-lie. He could wait a little longer but was starting to feel awkward in the silence. Rory nods. She turns her head as Jess gets up, disposing of the condom and picking up his clothes. Jess pretends to concentrate on them as Rory gets out of bed, saying over his shoulder, "I'm going to take a shower." Unless it's already dark in the room she seems nervous for him to see her naked. Jess doesn't really understand it - they see all of each other when they have sex - but he doesn't press her on it. They're still figuring it all out.

It's humid as hell when Jess leaves the apartment. He should've taken a shower too, he probably doesn't smell that fresh, but the shower can be temperamental if two people use it in a row. Besides, it's not like the people Jess runs errands for smell of anything other than considerable amounts of beer. It's not what you'd call the most stable job. Jess had his issues working at the diner but at least he knew he had the same hours, decent flexibility and good pay. Something else he didn't appreciate until he was gone - until he ruined it. Jess puts his head down, unwilling to make eye contact with anyone. That is something he does still like about New York. No one wants to talk to you. You can as anonymous as you need. Living in Stars Hollow was like being a bug under a microscope. Their disdain felt like a dare. They expected the worst, so they deserved the worst. Jess can see Rory shaking her head at that in his mind's eye and picks up the pace.

As he rounds the corner a poster in the restaurant window catches Jess's attention. He stops to read it and then goes in. A surly looking guy is cleaning tables and Jess asks, "You still looking for a dishwasher?"

"That's what the notice is for."

"Can I take you up on it?"

"You worked in a kitchen before?"

"Sure."

The guy eyes Jess up and down, rubbing the table with a cloth which looks even dirtier.

"You able to start tomorrow night? Seven til eleven?"

"Sure."

"You're hired."

"Cool. My name's Jess."

"Just be there," the guy says irritably. He turns back to cleaning which Jess takes as his cue to leave.

Some hours later Jess comes home to find Rory reading on the bed. She nods towards the table and says, "I made sandwiches."

"Great."

They've eaten sandwiches for dinner so many nights now that Jess is starting to lose his taste for them, but right now he's so hungry he doesn't care. Rory joins his as Jess wolfs his down and as he swallows he says, "I got a job."

"A new job?"

"An additional job. I'll be washing dishes in the evenings in that restaurant two blocks down."

"Oh," Rory says, sounding surprised. "Congratulations."

Jess looks at her and they both laugh.

"It's not exactly a promotion," Jess says and Rory says, "Sorry - it sounded dumb."

"No - thanks. I just think extra cash would be good."

Rory nods and asks, "Is it every day?"

"Maybe. I don't know - guess it depends on how busy they are."

Rory nods and Jess stretches. He wishes they could afford a television - he misses those movie nights they used to have - but then Rory kisses him and Jess kisses her back, boredom forgotten. They kiss and kiss and then topple on the floor, laughing. Jess would happily just stay there but he moves over to the bed with Rory and they start to slip off each other's clothes, caressing each other frantically. Jess hastily rolls on a condom from his pocket and then Rory pulls him onto her and Jess pushes in. The sex is quick and hot and breathless, finishing with them tangled together and panting. They are silent for a moment and Jess realises he wasn't thinking, wasn't overthinking for a change. Though not a whole lot of thinking was going on. He almost didn't think about the condom, Jess realises uncomfortably as he pushes himself up from Rory's chest and lies down. Rory is flushed in the face, catching her breath, and Jess would bet all of her tuition money that she wasn't thinking about that either. They grin sheepishly at each other.

"Well -" Jess starts to say just as Rory says, "I -" and they laugh.

"Nothing," Rory says. "What were you going to say?"

_That was amazing_, is what Jess wants to say. _Sex should always be like that_. But he doesn't. He just says, "Nothing. It wasn't important." He kisses Rory's cheek and she says, "I'm nervous about tomorrow."

"You'll do fine."

Rory shrugs and out of nowhere Jess finds himself admitting, "My first time was with a waitress."

"What?" Rory asks, laughing. "When?"

"When I lived in New York before. I was sixteen. Her name was Maggie."

It's an embarrassing memory. Jess would get coffee from that cafe when he had enough change, and sometimes he'd bum a cigarette or a light off Maggie, the waitress who smoked outside. She was a few years older than him, with bottle blonde hair, and one day she asked if he wanted to see her apartment. Jess got the hint. Part of him wasn't interested but the other part was curious and he may as well get the virginity thing over with. Jess changed his mind when he lost his nerve and came five minutes after they started. They didn't say much after that and Jess never bought coffee from that cafe again. Jess tells the story to Rory and she laughs loudly but not unkindly. He's never told it to anyone before. He doesn't tell her that being with her feels like more than it's ever been with anyone else. Jess feels more at ease, laughing with Rory like this, but when he comes back from the bathroom she isn't smiling as happily.

"What's wrong?" he asks, getting back under the covers, but Rory shakes her head.

"I'm fine."

She doesn't sound fine. It's that same distant mood to before. Jess feels frustrated - _what is it, just tell me_ \- but she takes his hand and leans against his arm, her soft hair spilling out and her blue eyes sad. Maybe it was that fight with Lorelai she mentioned, but Jess doesn't want to ask. He doesn't want to think about Lorelai - he knows her opinion of him, and it's almost definitely turned to hate now. Jess wants to say something to make that better, but what's the point? He can't. Rory went with him. Rory is right here. She's right here but miles away at the same time and Jess tries to draw her closer.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory is adjusting to this being her life. When she wakes she is still slightly disorientated, neither in her dorm or Stars Hollow, and there is usually a rattle of traffic outside. She is in New York and Jess is sleeping beside her, or up making toast for their breakfast. Today he's still asleep, snoring slightly, and Rory gets up slowly so as not to wake him. She tiptoes over to the the kitchen window to look outside. It's too early to see how the weather is but Rory can predict it; another hazy, hot day with stifling air. The street below is mostly empty apart from a mother shouting at a little boy, tugging his wrist so he walks faster. "Do you want me to tell Daddy?" Rory hears her shout. They disappear around a corner and Rory turns back to the room.

"Hey," Jess says, making Rory jump. He stirs, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?"

"I don't know...still pretty early. You could go back to sleep."

"I'm kind of awake now," Jess says. He gives Rory a sleepy grin as she gets back into bed and puts his arm around her. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good."

Jess gives her a kiss and Rory kisses him back. He kisses her more deeply, cupping his hands around her hips, but when they break for air Rory sits up.

"I'm thirsty."

"Okay," Jess says. He sounds a little surprised but smiles as Rory gets back up. She doesn't know what's wrong with her. It just all feels so new still. Sex is good, especially sex with Jess - not that Rory can compare it with anyone else - but Rory is still shy. She's so aware of being naked. She can't relax into it, not completely. Maybe it's because when she thinks of their first time it's tangled up with the fight she had with her mother earlier in the day. Freud would have a lot to say about that, Rory thinks as she pours some water, but wasn't it supposed to be fathers, not mothers? Rory never liked the guy either way. Maybe it's not that. Maybe it's simply getting used to it. Rory doesn't regret having sex. Being aroused is a whole new feeling, there's an almost urgency to it. She was so lost in it last time she forgot the condom. Jess had one but Rory can't believe herself. She has an appointment to go on the pill on Saturday. She can't believe she would risk getting pregnant. Her mother's face looms up unwillingly, her warning, and Rory shakes herself and swallows the water. She doesn't want to think about Lorelai.

Rory makes a cup of coffee and calls over her shoulder, "You want one?"

"I'm good."

"Okay."

Rory carries her cup back to bed, careful not to spill it as she climbs in, and relaxes as she sips it.

"I'm starting at the cafe later."

"I know. You nervous?"

"Kind of," Rory admits. "But it can't be worse than cardswiping, right? I did that in a foodhall at Yale."

"It might be less dull," Jess offers and Rory grimaces. "That might make it better, right?"

"Who knows," Rory groans. "I don't know what to wear."

"I don't think they'll care too much about that. Look, you worked at the diner. It'll be a more intense version of that."

"Right," Rory says gloomily. Jess kisses her cheek and Rory sips more coffee. "You're starting at the restaurant later, right?"

"I'll be there with bells on," Jess says sarcastically and shakes his head when Rory asks if he's nervous. "I've done stuff like that before. It won't fall under the category of fun, but it's no big deal."

"I'm wishing you luck anyway," Rory says and Jess laughs. "I mean - not because I think you'll screw up - I - oh man, that sounded better in my head."

"No, I like it," Jess says and he kisses her. Rory kisses him back, feeling better than before, and this time she reaches into a drawer for a condom before things get too heavy. Jess's breath tickles her neck and Rory giggles, causing him to give her a quizzical look. Jess concentrates on kissing her some more, pulling off her tanktop, and when they're done, recovering their breath, Rory explains, "I wasn't laughing at you. You just tickled me is all."

"You threatened my virility there," Jess teases. Rory sticks her tongue out, making him laugh this time. When they've stopped giggling Rory tells him, "I've got an appointment to go on the pill this weekend. It's in New Haven."

"Oh. Cool."

"Yeah. Maybe we should still use condoms, but just in case, you know...I think it'd be safer."

Jess nods and says, "I got checked for STDs a couple of months ago and I'm fine...I haven't been with anyone else since then."

"Good. Um, thanks," Rory says and then cringes inwardly. Thanks for not being with anyone else? That sounded so stupid. Jess doesn't seem to notice, or he doesn't comment, at least. He smiles at her and asks, "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No - it's okay. I'll be fine."

"Okay," Jess says. Rory smiles at him, feeling relieved. It wasn't as awkward talking about it as she imagined. She can't imagine discussing it with Dean - not that sex ever came up with him. When they dated there was never anything further than French kissing, and it never really crossed Rory's mind that they might do more. She can't deny that her imagination went a little further after seeing him the past few weeks, but Dean is married now. And now Rory is here, with Jess, the entire thought seems crazy. Her whole life in Stars Hollow is beginning to seem like a kind of dream.

Rory pulls her tanktop and pyjama pants back on and gets out of bed. It still makes her blush for Jess to see her nude, which reminds Rory of when she was a kid and didn't want to get changed into her swimsuit in front of some other girls at the lake. They'd laughed at her and Rory had run home, and she feels the flare of that old shame once more. She shakes it off by asking, "Do you want breakfast?"

"Sure. Do you want a shower?"

"I do, but I could do that after."

"You go and I'll make it," Jess offers. "That way the water won't go crazy when it's my turn."

"Spoiling me," Rory says fondly. "I always take the shower first, why don't you?"

"I'm fine. Go on, I want to experiment with breakfast."

Rory kisses him and goes to wash. When she emerges, a towel wrapped around her head, Jess's fancy breakfast turns out to be frozen waffles and some fruit, but Rory loves it. She feels such a rush of happiness as she eats that her early morning unsureity already seems far away. Rory even feels better about the waitress gig. When it comes to it, is a first day of work any worse than a first day of school?

A few hours later and Rory has her answer. She enters the cafe, saying cheerfully, "Rory Gilmore, reporting for duty," and the woman who hired her looks her up and down and says, "Wear less fancy clothes next time."

Rory stares down at herself. After more than an hour of deliberation she'd chosen a simple cotton skirt and white T-shirt. They were some of the most neutral items in the wardrobe she brought.

"I...sorry...I..."

"Put this on," the woman says, throwing a ketchup-stained apron at her. "Smile when you serve the customers. If you have a problem ask me if I'm by you or even better, figure it out. We close at six, you'll get lunch at twelve. Any questions?"

Rory dumbly shakes her head and the woman says, "I'm Maya. Welcome to the show."

The show is a circus. Rory runs from one table to another in a whirl. At first she walked but there were so many customers and so many orders that she couldn't keep up. Maya gave her a notepad and pencil but Rory can barely write the rushed orders. She's sure cardswiping was never this bad and knows Luke's was never this bad either. When she forgets soda and extra fries for one table the customer swears at her and Rory has a horrible feeling she's going to cry. Maya sees her and, eyes softening says, "Why don't you take ten, Rory? I'll handle this."

Rory sobbed on the steps outside the back of the cafe, not even caring that there was a guy in the building opposite staring. Is it going to be this bad every day? Probably. What if she can't handle it? She can't fall apart over waitressing, especially not on her first day. Rory rubs her eyes, takes a deep breath and goes back in and Maya says, "Why don't you take your lunchbreak now?"

"But I just took ten," Rory says in a wobbly voice and Maya says, "That's okay. I'll see you in half an hour."

Rory forgot to bring food so spends a couple of dollars on a very bad hotdog from a stand and a bottle of water. She goes back in, hoping she won't contract food poisoning, but Rory's fears are wiped away by the new onslaught of customers. By the end of the shift her feet are murdering her and her head is aching. Sweat pours down her back.

"You get used to it," Maya says, sweeping up. "You learn by doing, Rory."

Rory nods, not wanting to voice her dubiousness on that, and nods again when Maya says, "I'll see you tomorrow. You can leave the apron here."

Rory walks slowly back, her feet protesting with each step. Jess smiles when she comes in and asks, "How was the first day?"

"Long. Tired. Long."

Jess laughs but Rory feels too miserable to smile. Jess's expression becomes concerned and he goes over to Rory, putting his arms around her.

"Hey," he says softly. "Was it really that bad?"

"It'll be fine," Rory says, forcing herself to sound upbeat. "It just takes getting used to."

"Right," Jess says, and he kisses her cheek. "I'll throw something together for dinner and then I have to go."

"Oh - of course." Rory had forgotten about the restaurant and a sluice of guilt washes through her. "You want me to make it?"

"No, you're tired."

"I guess I'll get changed then."

Rory finds some jeans and a shirt and goes into the bathroom. She can smell french fries all over her and is desperate to shower, but her conscience dissuades her. It would be bad for the water bill. Rory settles for splashing some water over herself from the sink and scrubbing her arms before heading back out. Jess has made sandwiches again, and Rory bites back her wish for something different. They eat quietly and Jess heads off, giving Rory a quick kiss before he goes. He doesn't comment on the french fries smell that Rory knows didn't get washed away.

It's a long, lonely evening. Rory wants more than anything to watch a dumb, mindless move that requires no concentration but it's not an option. She's too tired to read and doesn't know where the local cinema is - not that Rory can really afford to go. She lies down on the bed, closing her eyes, and without meaning to falls into a deep sleep, waking suddenly an hour later. It's scary waking up alone in the dark apartment. Rory never felt alone at Yale, not like this, and she busies herself with cleaning the apartment until Jess gets home.

The rest of the week passes by in a blur. Rory is so tired that her plan to wake up a few hours before her shifts at the cafe is scuppered almost instantly. When she's there, she goes into a kind of trance. _Serve, smile, pour coffee_. Rory doesn't know if she's getting any better but Maya hasn't yelled at her, apart from one time when she gave food to the wrong people. The only other waitress is a woman named Cindy, who chews gum and doesn't talk. Rory can't figure out how old she is, and seeing as Cindy shrugs at any question, Rory lets go any attempt at conversation. Not that there's much time for talking. She can't remember the last time she felt this exhausted. Jess seems tired too, but he says the new job is fine. Rory is sure he's better at juggling two than she is at one. The only good thing is getting her paycheck. On Saturday Rory wakes up with a jump, afraid she's late, and then relaxes. Her only plans today are the doctor's. After a few blessed hours in bed, Rory gets up, showers and puts on some more fancy clothes. All week she's been wearing the plainest things she could find. It feels good to wear something that won't get splattered with condiments.

Rory peels the groundsheet off the car and starts driving. Her heart is still in her mouth when she thinks about leaving it parked where it is but so far it's been fine. Her nervousness doesn't abate, just alters, as she drives back to New Haven and Rory takes a deep breath. It's like driving to another world. When she parks the car at the university buildings Rory has to battle the sensation of being a guest to them.

Rory has an appointment with the student health service. She feels a little shy as they call her name and the appointment gets started, and knows she blushes when the doctor asks, "Are you having regular sex?"

"Um, yes. I think."

"How often are you having sex?"

"Most days this week," Rory admits. "But I haven't - I mean, I wasn't having sex before. Like at all."

She can feel her face go redder but the doctor just nods. "When was your last period?"

After some more questions and a tight blood pressure pump being stiffened around her arm Rory walks away with a prescription and a packet of condoms. She feels lighter now it's done but not totally happy. Rory sinks down on a bench. She wishes she could talk to someone about this. Of course Jess is there, and Rory likes talking to him, but it's not the same. Rory wants to talk to a girl. She wants to share it with Lane or Paris, even, and if they weren't fighting, maybe her mom. Rory always told her she would and even though they're fighting, it would be a relief to tell Lorelai. But Rory knows it would be too weird. She gets out her cellphone, calls Lane, and when she picks up, says hopefully, "Hey."

"Hey, Rory! What's going on?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Rory says. "I'm in New Haven - I was thinking I could drive to Stars Hollow. Maybe we could catch up."

"I''d love to," Lane says sadly, "but some of Mama's cousins are in town and I have to help set up the house, and then I have band practice."

"Oh," Rory says. "No big deal."

"I want to see you though. How's New York?"

"It's good." Rory pauses, takes a breath and says, "I slept with Jess."

"You did?" Lane squeals. "How was it?"

"It was good." Rory's words seem to have dried up and Lane says firmly, "You have to see me and tell me about it for real. Maybe next week?"

"Sure. Next week is great."

"I've got to go now," Lane says. "I miss you, Rory."

"I miss you too," Rory says but she thinks Lane has hung up before she's finished saying it. Rory stares at the phone for a moment before putting it back in her pocket and leans back against the bench. She never imagined telling her best friend she lost her virginity over a phonecall. She never imagined any of this. Rory stays on the bench a little longer, sensing a strange sort of loss, before getting up and going to drive.


	11. Chapter 11

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On Friday morning there's a knock at the door. Jess opens it and stares in surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'll ask you the same thing," Luke says, walking past Jess into the apartment. "What are you doing here, Jess?"

Jess folds his arms as an answer. Luke looks around the apartment and remarks, "Nice place you've shacked up in. Even more squalid than I remember."

"You came all the way out here to make a joke?"

"I came out to talk to you," Luke says seriously. "Where's Rory?"

"She's at work," Jess says shortly. Luke nods, observing him and Jess stuffs his hands in his pockets. He feels like he should offer his uncle a drink, so they have something to do rather than stare at each other, but there's only a single bottle of water left in the fridge. Still, Jess guesses he needs to go to the store either way.

"Do you want some, uh, water or whatever?" Jess asks awkwardly but Luke shakes his head.

"No. I don't want anything." He goes and sits down on the one free chair and, after a moment, Jess moves the clothes off the spare and pulls it over. They sit opposite each other, slouched, and Jess imagines they must look pretty funny, just sitting in the middle of the room together, but he doesn't smile. The silence is too taut.

"So," Luke says eventually. "Where's Rory working?"

"In a cafe," Jess says shortly. "Waitressing."

"I figured. And you? Still running messages?"

"And washing dishes."

"I see," Luke says. He takes his hat off, turning it his hands, and then leans forward slightly and asks, "How's it going with you guys?"

"Good," Jess says defensively. "It's great."

"Uh huh."

"We're doing fine."

"You're playing house," Luke says, making Jess sit up. "How long is this going to last?"

"So this is why you came over," Jess snaps. "To be a jerk."

"I am not being a jerk," Luke says angrily. "I'm trying to talk some sense into you! Jess, this can't go on."

"Says who?"

"You're still kids."

"I am not a kid!"

"Jess, you're barely twenty! Look, you're taking messages and washing dishes - great career path by the way -"

"You know me, I like a detour."

"You can never do things the right way!"

"Here comes the judgement again!"

"So you're going to be doing this a year from now? Two years? Live here forever?"

"Who said anything about forever? Jeez, according to you, we're still kids!"

"Jess, you're going to have to make some decisions!" Luke exclaims. "And what about Rory?"

"What about her?"

"She's supposed to be in school," Luke says seriously. "She's got a great life ahead of her and she's working as a waitress."

"For summer."

"And then what?"

Jess looks away in a stony silence. The old anger is starting to flare, from when he lived in Stars Hollow and knew how everyone hated him, and it sparks when Luke adds, "She needs more than this."

"Who are you to say what she needs?" Jess demands. "She wanted to come with me! She decided it!"

He takes a breath, not adding his shameful hurt; that Luke looks out for Rory but not him. It never seems to matter what Jess does, but Rory needs more. She always counts more.

"Jess, Lorelai is worried sick," Luke says, his voice low. "We all are."

"What do you think I'm going to do to her?"

"It's not about what you'll do!" Luke shouts. "It's what you'll both do! Jess, do you need me to spell it out for you?"

"If I'm so dumb you'll have to!"

"Don't act stupid," Luke retorts. "You're smart, Jess, you know what I'm getting at. Fine. What happens in three months? Is Rory just going to go back to school? You're going to carry on living here without her? And what if -"

He pauses and Jess, despite guessing what he's holding back on, presses, "What?"

"You know what," Luke says furiously. "You'd better be careful - both of you. If Lorelai doesn't kill you first I will."

"Thanks for having so much faith in me."

"I just want you to take things seriously," Luke says, staring Jess in the eye. "Hey, look at me, I'm talking to you here. Jess, I'm not against you being with Rory, I just don't think living here like this is going to work. Even if you're, you know,_ careful_. What have you got in the refrigerator - a packet of cheese and eggs? Is that all your food for the week?"

They ran out of eggs two days ago but Jess doesn't tell Luke that. He also doesn't tell him their standard meal is sandwiches.

"We're fine."

His uncle gives him a long look and sighs, digging out his wallet.

"Here. If you're not going to get smart about this at least let me help."

"No," Jess says fiercely. "I don't need your money."

"It's a gift. At least take it for Rory."

"We're fine," Jess says again. The part of him that wants to admit that they're living pretty sparsely, Rory's wages barely touching it, is overshadowed by a proud hurt. None of this is Luke's business and it looks like his uncle has joined the rest of the crowd. Jess can just imagine the cover of the Stars Hollow Gazette - _Diner punk abducts local princess_. Screw them. He glares at Luke and, after a moment, his uncle sighs and gets up, shoving his hat back on.

"I'm going."

"Good."

"I just wanted to see you," Luke says when he reaches the door. "Jess, you can call me, okay? If you do figure you need anything. I'm always here."

Jess nods, his expression souring as Luke adds, "Say hey to Rory from me. Her mom misses her."

Jess guesses none of them are torn up over him not being there. He doesn't tell Luke that Rory is going into Stars Hollow tomorrow, nor that she'll be back from work in half an hour. Instead, he waits for Luke to leave and slam his way out of the building before making a trip to the store. Jess counts the small amount of money they have left for the week before scanning the shelves, buying things discounted and leaving anything that could be considered a luxury. Shortly after he gets back Rory is there, kicking off her shoes and looking tired.

"Hey," Jess says, going to kiss her. She kisses him back, a scent of cooking oil on her hair, and sounds tired as she says, "Hi. How was your day?"

"Not too bad." Jess pauses and says, "Luke came by."

"What?" Rory asks, stopping mid-shoe removal. "_Luke_ Luke?"

"Luke Skywalker was busy."

"What did he want?" Rory asks and then, in a small voice, "Was he mad?"

"He's not mad at you."

"He was mad," Rory says sadly. She sits slowly down on one the chairs left out and Jess pulls the other one around to her.

"He can't deal with us living here, that's all," he says gently. "It's no big deal. It's not our problem."

Rory nods, her eyes sad, and Jess adds, "We can hang out tonight too - the restaurant doesn't need me."

Jess refrains from adding that a night of less pay stressed out his whole day, and is rewarded as Rory brightens. "That's great! I miss hanging out with you - at night, I mean."

"Right," Jess laughs and Rory giggles before she gets up. "I'm going to take a shower."

After Rory has showered and changed she wanders over to where Jess is making some food.

"What's the menu for tonight?"

"Cheese and eggs sound good?"

"Great."

"Good, because I don't have a lot else."

Rory starts making some coffee and asks, "Did Luke say anything?"

Her voice is forcedly casual and Jess bites his lip. He knows what she's getting at, and half wants to lie, but tells her, "Lorelai misses you."

"She does?"

"Luke said she does. I don't know."

Jess looks up to see Rory looking out of the window, staring at nothing in particular, and awkwardly says, "Look, it's okay."

"I know...I just...I miss her too. She's my..."

"Right," Jess says quietly, and then Rory sighs, shaking herself.

"She won't listen though. She's too mad."

"I bet."

"I know. She's so stubborn."

Jess is saved from stopping a comment by Rory wryly adding, "I know, it's where I get it from. Hey, what's this?"

"What?"

Rory has picked up an envelope from the table and Jess says, "Beats me."

Rory carefully opens it and lifts out some bills. "Jess! This isn't extra wages or anything? How did -"

"Luke," Jess says, putting it together. "I told him not to - he must have left it there when I got up. I swear I didn't know."

"Well," Rory says carefully, "I'm going to Stars Hollow tomorrow. Should I give it back?"

A big part of Jess wants to say yes, but he already saw the look of relief on Rory's face when she picked up the money and, if he's honest, he was relieved too. Jess shakes his head and Rory smiles.

"No. He'd probably refuse it anyway. I guess we can use it."

"We definitely can," Rory says happily. "Maybe we can do something tonight."

"Like what?"

"I don't know - a movie,maybe."

"We should probably save it," Jess says, counting it out. There's a couple of hundred there and he adds, "I guess maybe one movie."

"Just one," Rory agrees. Her smile is reaching all the way up to her eyes. "We should go out tonight."

"Okay," Jess says. "Let's do it."

Rory squeaks happily and wraps her arms around Jess, kissing him deeply. Jess kisses her back and is tempted to suggest going out later, but then Rory is stepping away, dancing up and down on her feet in excitement.

They don't go and see anything too exciting. Jess is hardly invested in the plot but it's fun just going out, hanging out and not being stuck in the apartment. They leave the cinema hand in hand, reluctant to go back right away, and Rory nods over at the park across the street.

"Can we walk through there?"

The sun is just starting to set. The brightness settles all around them as they walk and Jess smiles when he looks over Rory, illuminated all over. She is his light, he thinks. She's his brightness in all the flood. They stop to kiss each other, not making a lot of progress, and when they reach a clearing lie down under some trees, having made a quick glance to check that the ground was free of anything too unsavoury. They look up at the last of the sun making patterns in the leaves and slow, steady contentment fills Jess's chest. He squeezes Rory's hand and she announces, "This right here is the epitome of a perfect moment."

"It is?"

"Isn't it?" Rory asks, turning to look at him, and Jess nods.

"It is."

"I wish it could last forever."

"Right now is good," Jess promises and Rory nods. Her voice is touched with sadness but she smiles at him, and they lie there until the sun dips fully and it starts to get dark. They walk briskly back onto the streets and up the apartment, kissing all the way, and head straight for bed. They giggle, peeling off their clothes, but have sex slowly, making it last. Jess holds Rory close, kissing her neck as he comes but not letting go. She holds onto him too, sighing, and her eyes are sparkling as they finally break apart. She's so happy that Jess sees with a jolt how tense she was before, but he doesn't mention it. She lies down on his chest and says, "I've just figured out something great."

"What's that?"

"I was thinking that I don't want to get up, and I don't have to. We can stay here all night."

"We can," Jess agrees, kissing the top of her head, and Rory looks up, smiling.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Jess holds her hand and looks into her bright blue eyes. They shine with the light Jess yearned for, all those months he was away from Rory. She is his way home.


	12. Chapter 12

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On Saturday morning Rory gets ready to drive to Stars Hollow. She puts on a pink dress, gives Jess a kiss goodbye and heads down to where the car is parked. The groundsheet is only partially covering the car and when Rory pulls it all the way off she gasps. Someone has keyed the side, leaving an ugly scar on the silver, and as Rory runs her fingers over it it feels like someone has hurt her too. Tears prick at her eyes and she considers running back in and telling Jess, but Rory guesses there's nothing he can do. A cautious examination shows no further damage and with trembling hands Rory unlocks the door and gets slowly inside. No one has tried to break into it. It seems they keyed it for some ugly thrill.

Rory feels a little better as she drives out of New York and into Stars Hollow. The streets are bright and cheerful with children running around, and Rory feels a pang. No one would consider damaging a car here. Rory parks the car and treats herself to a coffee from Weston's which she sips while walking. It's not as good as Luke's but Rory can't fathom going into the diner, how awkward it would be. The heat of the day is pressing down on Rory, but it's a gentle kind of warmth, not choking air like New York. The silence of no traffic rings in Rory's ears with each step.

Hep Alien are just finishing band practice as Rory comes in. Lane lets out a shriek of excitement but finishes the set, pounding the drums with enthusiasm before bouncing out of her seat and going to give her friend a hug.

"You're here!" she squeals and Rory laughs, hugging her back.

"Of course I'm here! Wow, the place looks great!"

"Just a couple of new posters," Lane says but the apartment looks dazzling compared to Rory and Jess's. Lane hustles the boys out, pushing a grocery list into their hands and reminding them not to buy anything with a brand name. Rory awkwardly waves at Zach and Brian as they leave and watches Lane sigh, shut the door and fall dramatically onto the couch.

"Finally, some girl time!"

Rory groans in amusement as Lane pushes a rug aside and emerges with two cans of chips from below.

"Are you kidding me? You just got away from the floorboard life!"

"Boys will eat everything," Lane declares. "I bought vanilla-almond body lotion the other day..."

"No," Rory exclaims and wrinkles her nose as Lane continues, "On chips - mine, by the way."

"Yuck."

"That's living with guys. Which you should know," Lane says, nudging her friend's leg. "You're living with Jess! Tell me everything!"

"I don't know what to tell..."

"Well, is going okay?"

"It is," Rory says shyly and blushes as Lane asks, "And you slept with him?"

"Yeah. It was..." Rory's voice trails off as Lane looks at her expectantly and she says, "It's good. It was good...it is good." _Good_ seems to be her favourite adjective.

"Was it like how you pictured it? I mean, you pictured it right?" Lane giggles a little and Rory smiles.

"Yeah. It was kind of like how I imagined but also totally different."

"A good different?"

"I think so," Rory says. "It still feels kind of new, but we've done it a lot now."

"A lot?"

"Well, once you've done it it's pretty easy to duplicate."

"Wow," Lane says, pausing with a chip halfway to her mouth. "And it was okay?"

"Yeah. I mean, it was a little scary the first time...I was kind of nervous. But Jess was really...he loves me and I love him. And I've gone on the pill so all those after school specials really sunk in. So everything's good."

"It sounds perfect," Lane sighs. "So romantic, the whole thing. Moving in with him just like that...I don't think a guy would ever ask me that."

"Yes they would," Rory argues and Lane smiles.

"But has it been amazing?"

"Yeah," Rory says hesitantly. "Just..."

She puts down her mostly empty coffeecup and avoids Lane's eyes. She does love living with Jess, she loves him, period, but it's been lonely, here and there, and working as a waitress is not all it's cracked up to be. Plus there's the whole fighting with Lorelai thing. But Rory doesn't want to dwell on that.

"Just?" Lane prompts and Rory shakes her head, giving her a quick smile.

"Nothing. It's just a big change, is all."

"But it's an adventure, right?"

"Definitely, an adventure." Rory drinks the last of her coffee and she and Lane eat the chips. As Rory finishes one she adds, "I've been working in a cafe."

"You have? Is it like Luke's?"

"More like the polar opposite."

"Really?"

"Waitressing is not as fun as old movies make it seem, let's leave it at that," Rory says fervantly. Her feet are still sore from the shift yesterday and no matter how hard she scrubs, she's sure there's still a scent of cooking oil on her.

"Maybe you can find another job."

"Maybe...there's not a whole lot going. Not in our neighbourhood at least."

"That's too bad. What's Jess doing?"

"He's washing dishes in a restaurant. It's all money, so..."

"Right."

Rory focuses on eating a chip. The taste is bright and salty and almost forgotten.

"I saw Lorelai yesterday," Lane says, trying to sound casual.

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know, we haven't seen her much lately. Everyone's calling her The Blur - she's never not doing something."

"That sounds like Mom," Rory says with a nervous laugh. She changes the subject to Hep Alien and listens to Lane talk about a problem with a chord.

The girls chat for a while longer about this and that and reluctantly Rory gets up to go. Lane walks her to the main street and gasps when she sees the Prius.

"Oh Rory, what happened?"

The mark looks even uglier than before but Rory tries to brush it off.

"Some jerk in New York, I don't know..."

"Your beautiful car," Lane says sadly. "Hey, do you want to see Gypsy? I'm sure she could fix it up."

"That's okay," Rory says uncomfortably. "I don't have enough money with me."

"I'm sure she could do you a favour."

"I can pay her," Rory insists. "Maybe next time."

"Well...okay."

The friends hug goodbye and Rory doesn't voice her gnawing doubt. She has barely any money to spare and doesn't want to ask Gypsy to do it now when Rory can't promise when to pay the money back. It seems pitiful to admit that. She shouldn't have had that coffee, Rory thinks guiltily. Money should only go on necessities. It's a good thing she doesn't want to go in Luke's because Rory could murder some fries right about now. She considers going in anyway, if only to promise Luke he doesn't have to worry, but it feels too awkward. Rory is just about to open the door to drive back when she looks up to see Lorelai staring at her, a Doose's bag in her arms.

Rory gazes back for a moment, unwilling to drop it. It's like those staring contests as a kid, but then Lorelai is walking over to her and Rory tries to smile.

"Hey."

"Hi," Lorelai says shortly. "I didn't know you were in town."

"Just seeing Lane."

"You heading back?"

"Well, I wasn't going to stay," Rory says defiantly. Lorelai snorts a little, resting one hand on the car and the grocery bag in her other.

"So how's it going?"

"Fine."

"Still waitressing?"

"Yes."

"Still happy with Jess?"

"Of course."

"Still being careful?" Lorelai asks and Rory narrows her eyes.

"I'm fine, Mom."

"Good. Glad to hear it. I'm fine too."

Rory wonders if Luke told Lorelai about coming to see Jess, but doubts it. She thinks Lorelai would have said something by now and Rory's certainly not going to mention it. Instead she remarks, "Lane said everyone's calling you The Blur."

"Guess all the other superhero monikers were out," Lorelai says, clearing her throat. "I saw Grandpa yesterday."

"How is he?"

"Buried in a sea of pipe smoke while Emily runs wild around Europe."

"I can't imagine Grandma running wild."

"That's how he described it. He described it for an hour while I tried to get him to check my insurance papers."

Rory almost smiles but it's curtailed by Lorelai adding, "He asked when you're coming home."

"Mom, I don't want to do this."

"Do what?"

"Talk about living with Jess."

"All I did was ask if you had a date for coming home."

"Well, I don't."

"Fine."

"Great."

"Good."

Lorelai turns to leave when she glances down and sees the mark on the car.

"Rory! What happened?"

"Nothing..."

"It doesn't look like nothing! Who did this?"

"I don't know! Some jerk with too much time on his hands...they didn't take anything."

"I don't like you living there," Lorelai says. She rests the bag on the ground and the anger in her tone switches to concern as she says, "It's not safe."

"Mom, some creep messed up my car. That could happen anywhere."

"It wouldn't happen here."

"I can't live here forever though!" Rory exclaims. "Do you want me to stay in Stars Hollow forever?"

"No, of course not, but Rory, there's better places to go inbetween!"

"I can handle it," Rory says staunchly and Lorelai says, "You can. But I'm your mom. You were supposed to spend summer here."

"I changed the plan," Rory says, her voice trembling. "You know all about that."

Lorelai folds her arms and Rory folds hers too. Mother and daughter stare at each other for a moment and finally Lorelai says, "You've got too thin."

"I'm fine," Rory says staunchly, resisting the urge to adjust her dress. She can tell the fabric is bagging at the chest.

"Are you eating properly?"

"Of course I am. I mean, we're not having snack nights in front of a movie, but we're eating."

"Somehow that doesn't reassure me."

"Mom, I'm really fine," Rory says after a moment. "How's the Dragonfly going?"

"The Dragonfly is great," Lorelai says, sounding almost amused. "It's keeping me very busy."

"The Blur."

"Yes. The Blur."

They look at each other a moment longer and Lorelai says, "Here."

She hands Rory a box of poptarts from the Doose's bag and says, "You shouldn't be without those. A kitchen is empty without them."

"Can't argue with that," Rory admits and nods when Lorelai asks, "Do you have enough coffee?"

"Yes," Rory lies. "We've got plenty of coffee."

She looks at the box in her hands but shakes her head when Lorelai offers, "You want me to ask Gypsy if she'll look at your car?"

"It's fine."

"It's all beat up. It was from your grandparents."

"It's just a scratch...I'll get it fixed. Mom, I have to go."

"Okay," Lorelai says quietly as Rory gets back in her car. She doesn't argue any further but she watches, waiting, as Rory drives away, her blur becoming stationary and still.


	13. Chapter 13

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Rory is upset when she gets back from Stars Hollow and when Jess sees her car he sees why; there is a giant scar cutting into the metal. Jess doesn't know what to say to make it better so settles for, "That sucks."

"It does," Rory says unhappily. She stares at it, running a hand over the mark, and Jess doesn't add that he's surprised no one has stolen it. He sticks his hands into his pockets, his fingers brushing some old quarters and half a cigarette. Jess wishes he could do something - pay to get it fixed - but he can't, and knows Rory can't either. Between covering rent and groceries the quarters in Jess's pockets isn't much more than what they have to spare.

"I'm sorry," Jess adds and Rory sniffles, shaking herself.

"No, it's dumb. It's just a car."

"Right."

"I can get it fixed," Rory says doubtfully. "Maybe not next week, but..."

Her voice trails off but her eyes stay fixed on the scar. Jess tries to put his arm around her but Rory shakes herself, moving away. She smiles and says, "I'm okay. Do you want to do dinner?"

They go upstairs and eat but Rory is quiet, her answers brief to Jess's questions about her trip to see Lane.

"It was fine," she says, tucking her hair back. "Good to have some girl talk."

She sounds sad and Jess can't tell if it's the car or from Stars Hollow. He has a feeling something else went on and asks, "Bump into anyone else?"

There's a pause as Rory chews a noodle and Jess is afraid she saw Dean again, but instead she swallows and says, "I saw Mom."

"Oh." That's not a great improvement but at least Rory wasn't palling around with Dean. Even if they're not together now Jess doesn't love the idea - not that he distrusts Rory, it's how she is after seeing him. And Jess still has that sense that he interrupted something, that night when he asked Rory to leave with him. Why is he stressing about this? Rory didn't even see Dean! She is sad from seeing Lorelai and Jess asks carefully, "Did you have a fight?"

"No...not really a fight. It was just weird. And cold."

Jess nods and, inexplicably, Rory puts down her fork and starts rummaging in her bag, emerging with a bag of poptarts. Jess laughs in surprise and Rory explains, "Mom gave me these - us these, I guess. She says every kitchen needs them!"

Jess highly doubts Lorelai wants him helping himself to her daughter's poptarts - there's a metaphor - but he smiles to see Rory brighten over the box. She opens it and eats one cold, grinning as the crumbs fall onto her lap.

"Classy as always," Jess teases and Rory throws the wrapper at him. "Coffee to go with that?"

"You even have to ask?"

The rest of the evening is peaceful and Rory seems more relaxed. They each take a book and read contentedly, smiling at each other over the spines, but in the morning Rory is subdued again. Jess can tell she's thinking about the car. He shifts up onto an elbow and asks, "How'd you sleep?"

"Fine."

Jess isn't sure about that. He could feel her tossing and turning a few times. The strangeness of sleeping together has worn off now. At first, they almost held their breath when lying in bed together, careful not to accidentally touch the other if they were getting ready for sleep. As if they hadn't just had sex. Lately, that nervousness has evaporated for Jess and he thought it had for Rory too, but she seemed anxious last night. Jess leans over to kiss her and Rory kisses him back but she seems absent, somehow. Jess hopes it's just the car that's bothering her.

"We should go out," Rory says suddenly, pushing the covers back. "See stuff."

"Like what?"

"I don't know," Rory says. "But we're in New York, we should go out."

"Okay," Jess says, thrown slightly by Rory's urgency. "Sure. I'll throw some clothes on."

They busy themselves with getting dressed, eating a poptart each for breakfast, and Jess takes a few bills from the money Luke left them. He doesn't want to spend anything but guesses a few dollars won't hurt. Rory is impatient with excitement but once they're outside and Jess asks where she has in mind Rory deflates a little.

"I don't know," she admits. "I guess we shouldn't go too far..."

"The good stuff is mostly on the other side of town."

"Yeah, I know."

Rory bites her lip, looking down the street, and Jess follows her gaze of cracked sidewalk and water spurting from a broken hydrant. It is, strangely, silent apart from the traffic nearby. The neighbourhood is still asleep.

"Can I see where you work?" Rory asks suddenly and Jess asks in surprise, "The restaurant?"

"Yeah! I've never been there."

"There's a reason for that," Jess remarks but he feels relieved that they at least have an aim on where they're going. "Ready for the grand tour?"

"I'm excited already."

It doesn't take long to reach the restaurant. It's dark and closed at this time but, as Jess comments, it's not much lighter in the evening.

"Still tons of dishes though," he adds. He considers asking Rory about the cafe but gets the sense she doesn't want to go there on her day off. Jess can tell she's not enjoying it there but Rory insists it's fine. They look at the restaurant a little longer and Jess remarks, "I didn't live too far from here."

"Huh?"

"Before I moved to Stars Hollow," Jess clarifies. "We moved around a lot, but the last apartment wasn't too far from here."

"Did you ever see Liz?" Rory asks haltingly. "You know, before she moved to Stars Hollow and you went back here?"

"No," Jess says sourly. It's mostly true; one afternoon he bumped into her on the way back from the bookstore and she suggested dinner. Jess knew what that meant, a lot of tears over a current boyfriend and probably his mother getting drunk at the same time. He didn't need the side-helping of sobs over how his mother wanted things to work out for him in Stars Hollow. Jess was done with feeling like a disappointment to everyone. He turned down Liz's invitation but the look on her face guilted him into agreeing to coffee. Jess wished he hadn't gone, their conversation mostly followed the route he'd imagined, but Jess doesn't say any of this to Rory. Instead he looks around, avoiding her eyes, and stares when Rory suggests, "Can we go see your old apartment?"

"Why?"

"I'm just interested to see it, I guess," Rory says. "But if you don't want to, no big deal. I'm sorry, it was stupid to ask."

"No," Jess says slowly. "We can go."

"Really?"

"Why not?"

They walk the few blocks down and Jess points up at a building. "There. We had the second window on the right."

Rory stares to peer up at it and says, "You can't really see it."

"There's nothing to see," Jess says irritably. "It's a dump. Barely even had rooms."

He kicks a pebble and Rory looks at him, surprised. Just looking at the building again is stirring up an old anger in Jess, but when Rory asks, "You okay?" Jess snaps, "I'm fine."

He feels mad at her for asking to go here and then mad at himself. Things like this is why he still breaks out a cigarette here and there, despite mostly having quit. Frustrated, Jess takes a deep breath, and says, "Sorry. Being back here...it's not exactly a fun stroll down memory lane."

Jess hasn't been inside in years but he can see the apartment as clearly as yesterday. Two shoeboxes of bedrooms and a living room full of broken furniture, the TV mostly showing static until you hit it several times. It was almost a relief when Liz's boyfriend stole it. And beer bottles everywhere until Jess finally threw them out. He accidentally threw out one a boyfriend hadn't finished with once, and he'd punched Jess so hard he fell against the wall. Liz was asleep, having drunk herself into a stupor some hours before. Jess didn't bother telling her - it happened all the time. Liz never knew, but Jess doesn't admit the truth. That if he told her she'd still stay with the guy.

Rory bites her lip. "Maybe we should go," she says. "I'm sorry I..."

Her voice fades and Jess shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant. "It's no big deal."

"You seem upset."

"I'm fine. I'm not wild about this place, that's all. I've lived better places."

Rory looks at him curiously and Jess starts to feel a blush creep across his neck.

"What?"

"Nothing...I just remember you wanting to come back here," Rory says carefully. "I thought you missed New York - you hated Stars Hollow."

A hollow laugh escapes Jess's throat. Asking which was the worst place to live is like asking to choose between between being heated or frozen to death. Rory looks puzzled so Jess elaborates, "They both had their issues."

Jess can easily talk about the crappiness of Stars Hollow, like being trapped under a microscope in some kind of endless musical number. Jeez, the new water fountain warranted a party and a lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette! No space, no privacy...but there are things Jess misses. He misses having a place to crash that's warm and always has food in the refrigerator. He misses having a job with steady hours and flexibility. He misses Luke being there, for all that they're not on best terms right now, and he missed Rory most of all. But now she's here and all the rest of Stars Hollow's virtues fade away. She looks at him expectantly so Jess tries to explain, "I could be myself in New York."

"And you couldn't in Stars Hollow?"

"I mean, I could relax. I could go out and not have five hundred pairs of eyes on me - if there's even that many in Stars Hollow," Jess jokes. "I missed being able to just do stuff, find somewhere new. Not be Luke's punk nephew."

"You weren't that to me," Rory says softly. Jess smiles but she doesn't understand. Maybe she can't - Stars Hollow has been her whole life. Still, surely Rory knows on some level how trapping that town can be. Whenever she comes back from visiting there's a tense expression on her face. Maybe you have be on the wrong side of the town to see it.

They look at each other for a moment and then Rory takes a breath. "So what did you do here?" she asks. "You said you liked to go out and find stuff."

"Right," Jess says relieved at the change of subject. "Yes. Sometimes I'd just wander, sometimes I'd hang out at the public library...I'd spend hours in there. Or I'd look for a bookstore I didn't know yet."

"How much success did you have?"

"Reasonable amount," Jess says and Rory grins.

"Show me one."

They treat themselves to the subway, descending the steps into the dusty black. They sit together on the train and Jess catches sight of Rory's face in the window opposite. She is smiling at their reflection and then Jess catches it when she doesn't know he's looking. Her eyes are wandering, curious, but there is still that light happiness on her face, her blue eyes bright. Jess looks and looks at her but when Rory glances back he smiles, almost embarrassed. He loves her so much it hurts and Jess fights that fear in the back of his mind, the worry that he isn't enough.

Jess's thoughts are broken as they reach the stop they need and he jumps up, almost tripping as the train stutters to a halt. Giggling, Rory follows Jess up to the street and they both blink in the sudden light.

The streets are cheerful, filled with flux of mid-afternoon and Jess can see Rory brighten. It's better than the area they live by miles - figuratively and literally speaking. They stroll side by side down the street and Jess is reminded of their day in New York together two years ago. It seems a long time ago and recent all at once. Jess vividly remembers how he felt that day, how he wanted to grab Rory's hand as they walked. He wants to now but even though they're together Jess is shy over it, so settles for smiling at Rory. He stops, nodding at a storefront.

"Found this place a few years ago."

Books are crammed in the windows and Rory's eyes go wide with excitement. Jess laughs as she almost runs to the door and says, "Hey, should we give ourselves a time limit in here?"

"Live wildly, Mariano! We have all day!"

They don't spend the whole day inside but it's a solid hour and a half, if not two. Whenever Jess starts to move another title catches his eye and, judging by Rory's gasps of delight, she seems to be equally captivated. Occasionally they show each other a title and break into discussion, but mostly they browse silently, sending each other smiles. He's feeling peaceful, Jess realises. What is it about books that bring him serenity? But they do, for him and for Rory, and that's all that matters.

Finally Jess gets up, stretching out the cramp in his legs. "Hey," he says softly to Rory. "Ready to head out?"

"Mm," Rory says, distracted, and Jess bites back a smile as the shopkeeper gives him a look.

"Rory. They're going to close soon."

"Yes. Okay. One second..."

Jess gives her another minute and finally places his hand on the pages, making Rory grumble but grin as she gets up. "Okay, okay, I'm up."

"Glad to see it."

Jess notices the small pile of books beside her and his happiness fades slightly. He knows neither of them can buy them and Rory sighs as she starts putting them back.

"Can't we buy one book?" she asks suddenly. "Just one?"

Jess wants to say yes but hesitates and Rory says quickly, "I know it's kind of a luxury. But just one...this one doesn't cost too much..."

He looks at the book in her hand and the expression on her face and nods, breaking into a smile as Rory's eyes light up.

"Just one," he agrees. What the hell - they still have some money left over from Luke. Rory almost dances as she takes the book to the register and a memory stirs in Jess's mind. It's the day she went to the book fair, he remembers, her and Dean. The day she finally realised her bracelet was gone and Jess had snuck it back. _You should be with me_ is what he wanted to tell her._ You should go to book fairs with me, not that jerk._ But of course he didn't say it. He never told her about the bracelet either. Jess didn't dare to think Rory could feel the same way.

Rory has picked out a book of short stories by Sylvia Plath and all the way home, she carries the book aloft, reading random sentences out loud, and this time Jess slips an arm around her waist. New York is the perfect place to be, now that she is with him. They splurge on a slice of pizza each and laugh at each other as they get sauce on their cheeks. All the ugliness of the morning with the car and seeing the old apartment slip away, as they walk slowly together. Their shadows have blended into one.


	14. Chapter 14

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On Friday night Rory's cellphone rings, making her jump. She's just got out of the shower after her stint at the cafe and cautiously she answers, "Hello?"

"It's me," comes Paris's voice. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"I - what about you?" Rory demands, her surprise giving way to laughter. "I thought you were in England!"

"I'm back for a week. Asher has a conference and I thought I'd swing by Stars Hollow, see if there's any pig races going on."

Rory's laughter fades and Paris presses, "Rory? I thought we could get coffee. You know, between the latest town crack-up."

"I think the latest town crack-up might be me."

"What?"

"I'm not in Stars Hollow."

"Well, spit it out!" Paris says impatiently. "Are you bunking with your grandparents? I know you're used to a slow pace of life but I have places to be!"

"I'm in New York!" Rory says loudly. "I didn't go home for summer, I went to live with Jess in New York! Happy?"

Rory lets out some weighted breaths and notices a stunned silence at the end of line. She wouldn't have imagined that stunning Paris was possible but is too nervous to feel proud. Finally her friend answers, "You're kidding."

"No, I'm not."

"You ran away with the last wannabe Beats writer?"

"Paris..."

Her friend's voice is back to its usual sardonic tone but Rory thinks she can still detect some shock underneath. Steadily, Rory says, "It's for summer."

"Really?" Paris says, sounding suspicious. "Where are you living?"

"Manhattan."

"I could come to New York for the day," Paris offers. "If you want to hang out."

"I - sure."

"I mean, it's more interesting than Stars Hollow, right?"

"Oh yes," Rory says, looking around the apartment. "It's definitely that."

When Jess gets back from the restaurant Rory is already in bed. She's half awake but as he quietly climbs into bed she tells him, "Paris is coming over tomorrow."

"Huh."

"Mm," Rory says, already drifting off. "Might be cool to see her."

"Sure. I'd say we should clean the place but there's not a whole lot to improve."

Rory laughs and starts to sleep but there is a hesitant feeling all through her dreams. She hasn't mentioned it to Jess but her period was due today and it hasn't shown up. They've been doubly careful, Rory is sure it must be fine, but she sleeps uneasily and the knowledge of Paris visiting doesn't help. Rory wakes early, Jess fast asleep as she carefully gets out of bed. She pours herself a glass of water and drinks it slowly, staring out of the grimy window at the equally grimy street below. Putting the glass down, Rory goes to the bathroom and lets out a yelp of joy. She's got her period and relief courses through her. Part of her imagined that it wouldn't happen, that she'd have to tell her mother. _I told you_, Rory imagined Lorelai saying. _Didn't I warn you? _Rory sits back for a moment until her relief is replaced with remembering that she doesn't have any pads. Rory can already hear Paris's running commentary and wonders if she'll be able to pick some up before she arrives. Hopefully there's a lone one somewhere in her bag.

Stuffing some toilet paper in her underwear, Rory washes her hands and goes back into the bedroom. As she rummages through her things Jess wakes up and observes her sleepily, shifting up onto an elbow.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"You seem pretty busy for nothing."

"I got my period," Rory tells him. "I need a pad."

"Oh."

Jess sounds a little uncomfortable but Rory doesn't feel shy. She never discussed it with Jess when they were dating before, nor anyone else, but guesses it wasn't too relevant then. She used to imagine dying of embarrassment if asked about it. Triumphantly, Rory discovers a pad in her backpack and heads back into the bathroom before getting into bed with Jess. She gives him a kiss and Jess remarks, "You're cheerful this morning."

"I'm just so relieved."

"We were careful."

"I know, but I was still nervous. Imagine if -"

Rory's cheerfulness dims slightly. Mentioning that possibility makes the morning more serious, but Jess jokes, "I guess my reputation wouldn't be helped if that happened. I can see the lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette - _Local Hoodlum Knocks Up Town Princess_."

Rory laughs but she feels sombre and Jess says, "Hey, I'm kidding."

"I know - it's just scary to think about."

They look at each other and Rory bites her tongue, wishing she'd never brought the subject up. She doesn't even want to think about what they'd do if that happened. Rory supposes neither of them would live long enough to find out if Lorelai knew and smiles grimly.

"What?"

"Nothing," Rory says firmly. She pushes the covers back and says, "Do you want coffee?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

"I always want coffee."

"I've noticed," Jess says, feigning innocence. He smiles and says, "Want me to make it?"

"No, I'm good. When's the earliest stores open around here?"

"Nine, something like that," Jess answers. "How come?"

"I just want to pick up some things before Paris gets here."

Jess nods, sounding a little tired as he says, "Right. Is she coming over?"

"I don't know - maybe. Probably. We're going to go for coffee."

"What's her opinion on all this?"

"I don't think she has one," Rory says and laughs as Jess remarks, "It's impossible for Paris not to have an opinion."

"True. I guess I'll find that out over coffee."

Rory makes a quick run to the grocery store and then waits nervously for Paris to call. She sent her the address and, an hour earlier than Rory expected, there's a banging on the door.

"Jeez!" Jess exclaims, going over. He carefully opens the door and then says to Rory, "It's for you. Hey, Paris."

"Jess," Paris says, stepping inside the apartment. She looks hot and sweaty from the drive, her blonde hair trailing on her neck. Paris scrapes it back as Rory goes over, smiling nervously. She's starting to sweat a little too.

"Paris! You made it!"

"Barely," Paris retorts and Rory frowns.

"You're here an hour earlier than you said."

"Mapquest estimates are always way off. People drive like wimps. I would have been here sooner only some asshole officer tried to tell me I'd parked badly. Me park badly?! This is New York!"

"Did he give you a ticket?" Rory asks and Paris snorts.

"Like he would have dared. So this is the place, huh?"

"Pretty much it," Rory agrees. She follows her friend's eyes around the room, taking in the sight of the bed and chairs and the boxes scattered around. Rory feels a twinge of embarrassment, she should have made the place look more inviting but she can't think of how that could've been accomplished. She shifts slightly and says, "Do you want some coffee?"

"I thought we were going out for it."

"We are - I just thought - forget it."

"I'll use your john," Paris says cheerfully. "There's no cockroaches, right?"

Rory and Jess exchange a look and when Paris comes back out she says, "So what are you doing these days, Jess?"

"Working in a restaurant, running messages...basically this," Jess tells her, gesturing at the room and Paris nods.

"Done with the Kerouac thing?"

"For now," Jess says. Rory looks at him, wondering if he means something by it, but he just adds, "I'm reading more than Hemingway, you'll be pleased to know. Expanding the genre."

"Ecstatic," Paris says. "You're certainly embracing the lifestyle."

"Well, it has its moments."

He and Paris give each other smiles and Rory glances back and forth. They sound almost tense but their expressions are friendly, and Rory jumps when Paris says, "I feel like Godot with this coffee thing."

"See you later," Rory says to Jess and he lifts his hand in farewell, watching as she and Paris leave the apartment and head out of the building.

Rory takes Paris to a small coffeeshop a few blocks down. She's always thought it looked inviting but hasn't found time to check it out. Inside are some easy chairs and some vases on each round table, the air fragranced from the sprigs of flowers inside. It seems incongruous with the rest of the neighbourhood and Rory makes a mental note to come back alone some time. She and Paris order two coffees and it's only until they're sat down that Paris remarks, "So you've shacked up with your ex-boyfriend. I have to hand it to you, Mary."

"Um thanks, I think."

"Looks a little sparse but guess you guys just need the bed. Hope it's a firm mattress."

Rory reddens at that and stares at the flowers in the vase, not commenting either way.

"Didn't think you had it in you," Paris adds. "Pretty different from Stars Hollow. It's certainly no clam bake, huh? So to speak."

Their coffees are brought over and Rory delays responding by taking a long sip. She closes her eyes in bliss, unable to remember when she last had such a good coffee, and splutters when Paris asks, "So how is he in the sack?"

"Excuse me?"

"I always wondered. You are having sex, right? I mean, I'm assuming this isn't a chaste living situation."

Rory pauses and then mumbles, "Yes, we're having sex."

"How is it?" Paris asks. Rory blushes and Paris rolls her eyes.

"Oh, come on, Mary."

"Quit calling me that."

"All I'm asking is how Jess is! He looks like he'd keep going for a while, you know, but know what he was doing. Jamie was nice but it was never that exciting...you've got to have some variety, you know? It was just the same position, same stuff each time. I bet there's no issue on that front. Or _his_ front."

Rory tries to shrug, red in the face, and obliviously Paris chatters on, "So are you going to bring Jess back to our dorm room? Because I'm betting those walls are thin and I don't want to hear you."

"_Hear _me?"

"You're quiet but quiet girls can be barnraisers and I bet he makes you go through the roof."

Rory dares to glance around. A couple of people are looking and then cough and Rory looks back at her friend, whispering furiously, "Could you be a little less loud?"

"That's what I'm asking you! I've got noise reducing headphones, all I need to know is when to put them on."

Rory focuses on drinking her coffee and Paris follows suit. After a moment she puts her cup down and says, "You're still coming back to Yale, aren't you?"

"Of course I'm coming back to Yale," Rory says in surprise. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know," Paris says, sipping more coffee. "You seem to have a whole new living situation. What are you doing for money?"

"I'm working as a waitress."

"A waitress?" Paris echoes. "I can't picture that."

"Trust me, you don't want to. Anyway, it's just for summer. Hey, you've spent all summer in England and I'm not asking if you're moving back to the mother country!"

"So Jess is staying in New York when you move back?" Paris asks. "What's he going to do?"

"I don't know. It's Jess, he'll figure something out."

Paris grunts in acknowledgement and asks, "Didn't he take some kind of Kerouac quest?"

"It wasn't a _quest_, he just...Paris, that was last year! He's here now. He can come visit me, I can visit him...we'll work it out."

Paris nods, her expression impassive, and takes a bite of the cookie which came with the coffee. Rory wonders about next year, how often Jess will be able to come see her. They'll have weekends, she reasons. They'll figure out a plan. She starts chewing her own cookie and coughs on a crumb as Paris asks, "So what kind of birth control are you using?"

"What?" Rory asks, reaching for her glass of water, and Paris says, "Hey, I don't want you and lover boy slipping up and you coming back with a bun in your oven!"

"Paris!"

"Because if you're expecting me to be Bette Midler in this you can forget it."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, that movie _Beaches_?" Paris says impatiently. "Where Bette Midler winds up raising her friend's kid after she kicks the bucket? I am not going to be your nanny."

"I'm not - when did you watch_ Beaches_?" Rory demands and Paris almost blushes.

"I was sick one day, it was on cable...I don't know, it was easy to watch. I kept falling asleep."

"Right," Rory smirks and Paris goes on, "You get my point."

"Yes, I get your point. Relax, I've got it covered."

"You definitely have it covered?" Paris asks, making Rory roll her eyes. "_All_ of it?"

"Yes, all of it!" Rory declares and her eyes widen as Paris reaches into her purse and slaps a large packet of condoms on the table. "What are _those_?"

"Rory, if you're asking me what those are then what the hell have you been covering it with?!"

"Why are they on the _table_?" Rory hisses, swiping them onto her lap and Paris says, "I have a whole drawer of them. When you told me you were hooking up with Jess I thought you could use a box."

"Well, that's very, um, thoughtful, but you didn't have to."

"You'll thank me later," Paris says confidently. "All I'm saying is you don't want him to shoot and score."

"I'm really fine. I've got my period anyway, if it makes you relax. Plus I'm on the pill."

"Just take them," Paris says briskly. "They're ribbed for your pleasure."

"Um, thanks," Rory says. Her face is feeling so hot she's pretty sure it would heat up what's left of her coffee. She drinks it in silence and Paris remarks, "I'm glad you're with Jess."

"You are?" Rory asks, putting down her cup and Paris says, "He's so cute and he knows books, even if his taste leaves a little to be desired. I could stand hanging out with him, you know? There wasn't much to talk about with Dean."

"Right," Rory says, and she smiles. "You can come over again, if you want."

"I'm heading back to England next week."

"Well, when we're back in school then. Jess can come over and we can all hang out."

"That sounds nice," Paris says hesitantly. Rory smiles at her and relaxes until her friend asks, "How often do you bang him anyway?"

Paris pays for their coffee and shakes her head when Rory weakly protests. "I've got it," she says. "It can be my treat. You know, along with the actual gift." Rory doesn't want to show how relieved she is and settles for a smile, saying, "Both are good." Rory walks Paris back to the car and notices with a pang how undamaged it is. She hasn't even begun to think about repairing hers. She and Paris awkwardly hug in farewell but when her friend asks, "Is it all going okay?" Rory doesn't mention the car.

"It's going great."

"How'd Lorelai take it?"

"Not so great."

"Bet that's an understatement."

"Definitely." Rory doesn't want to linger on that. "The rest is fine, I swear."

"No one's tried mugging you? I was thinking of taking self-defence classes. You definitely should."

"It's really fine," Rory promises and honestly says, "I'm happy living with Jess."

Paris nods, pauses and then asks, "What made you go with him?"

"It was a chance," Rory says slowly. "I don't know, I just...I wanted to do it."

"Not because I gave you a hard time about being single? Because talk about going from zero to a hundred!"

"Of course not," Rory laughs. "It's Jess, Paris. We were together before."

"It just seems sudden, I guess."

"Maybe, but so what?" Rory says defensively. "We're happy."

"Okay," Paris says. She still looks like she has something to add but she simply says, "I'll call you soon."

"Good. Have fun in England."

"I will," Paris promises and, as she ducks into the car, calls back, "Have fun with the gift I gave you!"


	15. Chapter 15

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"Yo, toss me that cloth."

Jess is in the restaurant. It's a Tuesday night and the week of washing dishes is yawning in front of him. He's just finished unloading a crate and now has moved onto washing an endless pile of plates with Brad, whom Jess has the luck of being partnered with. Brad likes to talk which is fine by Jess - means less smalltalk. He can just throw in a grunt here and there between monologues. Of course, Jess would prefer if they worked in total silence but you can't have everything. Wordlessly, he throws the cleaning rag over to Brad and winces. The crate was heavy and Jess suspects he pulled something picking it up. Jess waits for the twinge to pass as Brad rambles on and his thoughts begin meandering. It was fun seeing Paris, if only briefly. Jess likes that she doesn't take shit from anyone. Rory remarked that Dean found her too intense and, aside the fact that Jess suspects anyone with a mind is too intense for Dean, Jess thinks he couldn't handle Paris's nature. People write her off because they don't want to be challenged. Jess had been annoyed when his plan to have a meal alone with Rory that time was scuppered by Paris being there, but it had turned out to be one of the best dinners he'd ever had. Not just because he'd met someone else in town who knew books, but because Paris gave him a run for his money. If things hadn't got screwed up, Jess wouldn't have been opposed to more evenings like that, the three of them talking literature and eating way too much. Jess wonders if Paris knows what he was doing when he dropped the care package off. He thought he was making it obvious to Rory, but she insisted nothing was happening. That's what she wanted to believe, anyway. She kissed him and then spent a whole summer in Washington with no word, acting like nothing had happened when she came home. He's not interested in her that way, but Jess appreciates that Paris would be more straightforward than that. Paris definitely knew what was going on. Jess smiles a little at that and then blinks as he realises Brad asked him something.

"Huh?"

"I said, there's a kegger at Drew's place tonight. You know Drew?"

Jess isn't sure but truthfully doesn't care enough to ask. He doesn't plan on going.

"I'm good, but thanks."

Brad almost seems to take offence at that. He stops, his hands sudsy in the sink, and demands, "You got something better to do?"

"It's not my scene," Jess says truthfully. He doesn't drink much. Jess isn't opposed to having a rare beer here or there, but nights where people just show up to get wasted bring back the unpleasant aftertaste of living with Liz. Drinking was her preferred pasttime. If Jess was lucky, she'd fall asleep. If he wasn't, she'd go off on a tirade, talking about how her life had tanked, especially since he'd been born. She wasn't blaming him - Liz always remembered to tell him that between slurs - but having a kid made everything harder. Along with the list of everything else. _Why'd you have me_, Jess wanted to ask. He made the mistake of asking once and got to hear a whole other rant. The best thing to do was just to let her talk until she tired herself out. If Jess was really unlucky, a boyfriend would be drunk too and rile her up, or tell him he was a waste of space after Liz had passed out. Or take a swing at him. Rooms of people getting slatheringly drunk isn't a reminder Jess needs, but he doesn't bother telling Brad all that. He starts to wash another plate and Brad snorts.

"Dude, what do you even do outside here? On your breaks you just read that book you always have shoved in your pocket."

"I like books."

"Wow, I never would've guessed," Brad says with a sarcasm Jess didn't know he was capable of. "Seriously, though. You like the mystery guy here. Do you, like, live in a library or something?"

Jess bites back the quip of Brad knowing what a library is being colours him stunned, and against his usual judgement says, "I have a girlfriend."

"_You_ have a girlfriend?" Brad echoes, laughing, and Jess wishes he'd made the quip after all.

"I live with her."

"Huh. And people were saying you were celibate or into guys."

Jess shrugs at that. He doesn't care if they thought so. He washes another dish and Brad says, "How'd you even meet her?"

"I used to live in this place called Stars Hollow," Jess says, after a pause. "She's from there."

"Don't know it."

"Don't need to. Like living in Norman Rockwell painting."

Brad laughs and Jess goes on, "We met there."

"She moved here with you?"

"She's moved for the summer," Jess tells him, deciding on the edited version of their relationship. "She goes to Yale."

"To Yale?" Brad exclaims and Jess grits his teeth. Why is now the moment Brad has decided to stop focusing on himself?

"Yes, she goes to Yale," Jess says evenly, getting the implication. Brad, never shying from bluntness, asks, "So why's she with you?"

"We like a lot of the same stuff," Jess says vaguely and Brad says, "So she's a bookworm too, huh? What, you guys sit in your room together and read to each other? That's so damn quaint!"

"Depends on what we're reading."

"What?"

"Forget it."

They wash plates in merciful silence for a moment and then Brad says, "You know, I bet you're as smart as she is."

Jess snorts and Brad says, "I mean it, man. Maybe not Yale smart but you've always got your nose buried in a book - a real book, not some dirty magazine. Every single second you're not working, you're reading. You even _walk_ out reading, and that's not the safest thing to do in this city."

Jess laughs at that and Brad says, "Why are you here?"

"What?"

"Someone who reads as much as you do could get a better job."

"I doubt office guys see it that way," Jess says but he feels a little uncomfortable. The conversation has turned without him expecting it, and he almost hears Luke's voice as Brad insists, "I'm serious. I bet you could go to college."

"I don't want to go to college," Jess retorts and Brad says, "So you're going to work here and read books they ask assignments on?"

This is getting spooky. Jess is almost tempted to ask if Brad is some kind of conduit for his uncle's voice, like maybe someone brought a ouija board to the diner.

"They don't assign the books I choose," he jokes and Brad says, "You get what I mean."

Jess nods and stiffens as Brad comments, "What does your girlfriend think?"

"What?"

"She goes to Yale, Jess. I'm guessing she's got a pretty sweet life there and she's moved in with you..."

"What's your point?"

"I mean, what does she do - outside of doing you?"

Ignoring the crudeness, Jess says, "She works as a waitress."

"Wow. You must be good in bed for her to stick around."

"Look, what's your problem?" Jess demands, losing his temper. "You don't know anything about us, and now you're turning into Doctor Phil?"

"I'm just curious how a guy like you is here," Brad says, turning to face Jess in the dim light. "You're smarter than this place but it's where you want to stay, and you're staying here with your girlfriend from Yale?"

"It's money. Even you can figure that out."

"Yeah, and you should know it's shitty wages. If this chick goes to Yale why don't you try aiming for something too?"

"You think it's bad that she's in college and I'm not?"

"Not that. Dude, I'm happy for you, or whatever. I just can't see Miss Yale wanting to stick it out as a waitress, and I don't get why you, Mr Booksmarts, are working jobs like these. She's heading back to Yale in the fall, right? So you're staying in this hole and visiting her on weekends?"

Jess shrugs angrily and Brad sighs. "I'm not trying to be a jerk."

"You're making an excellent impression of one."

"I'm just saying, everyone here knows you're smart. You could probably write one of those damn novels you keep toting around."

Jess snorts and Brad shrugs, sending suds flying onto Jess's shirt.

"I don't usually give advice - lesson learned. Hope it works out for you and Yale girl. What's her name?"

"Rory."

"Well. Hope you and _Rory_ are happy together.

Jess feels a little bad at that. If he wasn't so pissed off maybe he'd attempt some conversation - tell Brad stuff about Rory as a person, not just Yale girl. It wouldn't be some weird bonding session, but maybe Jess would tell him a little about what he does outside here. But he already feels uncertain and uneven, like someone has pulled open a curtain on Jess's life, so instead he reaches for another plate. And even though Jess longed for him and Brad to work silently, the quiet now feels kind of sad.

Jess reads on the way home but can't concentrate. He keeps thinking about what Brad said and Luke, last year, and Lorelai, dismissing him and Rory, saying he could do more. Her words circle Jess endlessly, her disappointment when he left and didn't say anything, didn't tell her he was struggling with school. Damn, Jess regrets that. At the time he didn't see the point - he was never going to college, so why bother with high school? But he knew he was smart enough to pass it all so figured when the end of the year came, he'd pass all their tests anyway. Fuck, he screwed that up. Jess wishes he'd gone to their inane classes, done the work and shown his teachers and pathetic principal that he was actually capable of something other than pulling pranks. Not that Jess isn't proud of those pranks - a smirk crosses his lips when he remembers their reaction to the tennis balls to play baseball with. But his humour is shortlived. Last year has been a real mess but Jess felt that he'd gotten past it, and now everything feels shaken up. By Brad of all people. And even though Rory went with him and they're happy, he thinks, Jess can't help hearing her encouragement to do more and feeling like he's let her down all over again.

Rory is in bed when Jess gets back but she stirs as he comes in. Jess hopes she'll go back to sleep but she sits up as he silently gets into bed.

"Hey," she says sleepily. "How was work?"

"Fine," Jess says sullenly. He doesn't want to talk about it, and sighs when Rory asks, "Was it a bad shift?"

"Same old," Jess says. "How about you?"

"Oh, it was okay," Rory says, sounding unconvincing. She hugs her knees to her chest and Jess thinks about saying _I had a shitty day and I know you did too_. But he doesn't want to get into why either of them are pretending, and instead puts a lot of attention into punching his pillow into shape. It helps a little. Rory watches and when he's done she leans over and kisses his shoulder.

"Hey," she says. It's not like her to make the first move and Jess smiles, kissing her mouth. "Hi."

Rory kisses him some more and, weirdly, Jess doesn't want to carry on. The twinge from lifting the crate has returned, killing his back, and Jess is unsure if it's that or his mood that's giving him the headache. He pulls away and Rory leans onto her elbow.

"My period finished."

"Okay," Jess says and then figures what she's getting at. "I'm tired...can we just go to sleep?"

"Sure," Rory says, sounding surprised. "I'm sorry, I -"

"No, it's not you." Damn, he's sounding like a guy in a romance novel. _It's not you, it's me!_ Jess can't seem to get the jumbled thoughts out of his head. Usually, sex isn't a bad way to rid them but tonight it feels different. Jess just knows it would make them worse, afterwards, and his head really is killing him. He just wants to be asleep - alone, preferably, but just being asleep will do. He doesn't want to talk to Rory about it, he doesn't want to talk to anyone. He gives her a kiss goodnight and she snuggles back down, but being asleep doesn't help too much. The mood is backlighting his dreams. In the morning, however, Jess is brighter. He can almost pretend the conversation with Brad was a bad dream too. He sits up, looking at Rory who is almost awake, and kisses her arm.

"Hey," he whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Rory yawns and Jess says, "Being a jerk last night."

"You weren't a jerk," Rory says but she smiles, mollified. "It's okay."

"Just a bad night."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know." Jess refrains from asking why she never tells him how she hates waitressing. "Sorry."

"It's okay. Let's just forget it."

Jess agrees to that by giving her a big, deep kiss. Any aversion to sex has disappeared with his dream and Rory kisses him back enthusiastically, pulling off her night things and wrapping her legs around his. Jess forces himself to hold off, kissing Rory slowly all over until neither of them can bear it and he slides into her with a groan. Rory gasps as he moves slowly and then shifts her hips so Jess can move faster, deeper, and they both sigh after coming, her before after him and then again. Jess slowly slips off and lies beside her and they giggle a little.

"I highly recommend that to start the day," Rory remarks. "Way better than breakfast."

"Better than coffee?"

"Almost," Rory says, scrunching her face up and making Jess laugh. "A very close second."

"I'm offended."

"It is coffee, Jess."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

They kiss some more and Rory says, "I wish we could just stay here all day."

"Who says we can't?"

"I've got work."

"_Work_," Jess echoes sarcastically but wishes she hadn't mentioned it, it nearly brings back last night again. He concentrates on kissing her arm and Rory weakly protests, "I've got to shower."

"Shh."

"I've got to shower but you know...there's room for two."

"Why, Rory Gilmore," Jess says, caught between shock and admiration and Rory sits up with a sparkle in her eye.

"I'll race you."

There isn't a lot of room in the shower but that makes it more fun. After some laughter and near slips they find a position that works and Jess balances his hand on the wall, her leg hooked around his hip and his other hand cupped around her breast. They breathe heavily as he pushes into her, her blue eyes locked on his. Last night feels like a very long time ago. They are having sex in a shower on a Wednesday morning while the rest of the world is going to offices or school. Who is luckier than them? Jess almost slips and Rory squeals, clenching against him as they regain balance. God, she feels incredible. Jess is close to breaking point. He tries to hold off and keep moving but Rory tucks her leg tighter around him, pulling him closer, and when she kisses his neck Jess comes hard, groaning. Rory comes too, closing her eyes, and after they've disentangled themselves she remarks, "So much for getting clean."

"This was better," Jess says and Rory grins, not arguing. The weak water is still sputtering over them and Jess wonders how much longer it'll hold out. They rinse quickly and then his question is answered as the shower gives a threatening gurgle. Icy water explodes over both of them and Rory screams slightly, laughing as she gets out.

"Paris said you'd make me a barnraiser but I didn't think in that way."

"What?" Jess asks, genuinely lost and Rory reaches for a towel.

"Forget it - just a joke."

Jess picks up his own towel and follows Rory out of the bathroom, where she's tied the towel around herself and is pawing through her clothes.

"I can't find anything that doesn't smell of fried food."

"You're going to come back smelling of it anyway," Jess points out and Rory snaps, "Gee, thanks."

"What?" Jess asks, genuinely not knowing what he's said wrong and Rory ignores him. It's almost as if they didn't just have sex. She picks out a skirt and shirt that's slightly crumpled, shaking it out. Jess decides that if she asks anything about the outfit he'll keep his opinion to himself, but she stalks back into the bathroom with it, shutting the door. Slowly, Jess dries himself, tugging on some jeans and a black shirt and nods when Rory emerges, telling him she'll see him later. Once Rory leaves Jess makes the toaster waffle he was going to eat with her, before they got distracted with the shower, and feels his good mood ebb. The apartment feels empty now that he's alone in it, emptier than it usually does. Jess can't seem to shake it but at least the morning was off to an awesome start. His legs still feel weak. Jess goes to the table by the bed, picks up his book and settles down to read the hours away until Rory comes home.


	16. Chapter 16

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Work is not going well. Rory pushes a sweaty strand of hair behind her ear and looks up to see two men amble in, drunkenly bragging about some kind of conquest. Taking a breath, Rory goes over and asks, "What can I get you?"

"What can you get me?" drawls one of the men. "Damn babe, you can get me some sugar."

"Excuse me?" Rory asks and the men laugh loudly, their breath reeking of beer.

"A sundae with a cherry on top," his friend adds. "I just love cherry."

Rory can feel her cheeks start to burn. She hesitates, not knowing what to do, and the men laugh harder, slapping their knees.

"Bring us the whole dessert menu," one says and Rory snaps, "Order something or -"

"Or what?" retorts the guy. "What'll you do?"

Rory doesn't know and the other guy jumps in with, "Two cheeseburgers and fries."

"Fine," Rory says evenly and the first man remarks, "You should smile more."

Rory doesn't respond to that but as, she walks away, she can hear them break into laughter. Shaking slightly, Rory finds Maya and says, "These guys - they need to go."

"What guys?" Maya asks and Rory points at them. "They were laughing at me - saying all this incredibly inappropriate stuff."

"And?"

"What?" Rory exclaims, her mouth hanging open. "They were awful!"

"Rory, most men that come in are awful! Did they do anything to you?"

"No, but -"

"I can't count how many times a guy here has tried something."

"You're not going to make them go?"

"Rory, if I made every guy who was inappropriate leave I'd lose half the money I make! Did they order anything?"

"Yes, but -"

"Then you forget about it."

"I can't -"

"Get their order and forget about it. I've got other customers to deal with," Maya snaps. "I bet everyone is sweetness and light from whatever little town you blew in from, but you're not in Kansas anymore!"

Rory bites her lip but Maya sighs, striding away without looking back. Rory fetches the men's orders, slamming the plates down, and on the way home she starts crying. She's still crying through her shower and afterwards, when she's curled up on the bed. She has never felt so degraded. Jess comes back some hours later and Rory is still sniffling.

"Hey, he says, instantly concerned. "What happened?"

Rory tells him the whole trembling story and says, "I want to quit."

"Rory -"

"You don't know how awful it was. Guys like that -"

"I know," Jess says steadily. "But..."

His voice trails off and Rory hugs her legs in tightly. She'd have to find another job and that could take a while and besides, if it's still waitressing, Rory suspects it wouldn't be much different.

"I'm sorry," Jess says but it doesn't help much. Rory wants to talk to someone who really understands. She misses Lorelai. Jess puts his arm around her and without intending to, Rory quickly falls asleep.

Work is a little better the next day and Maya seems more sympathetic. She actually smiles at Rory, perhaps feeling a little guilty for the Kansas jibe.

"Next time, just spit in their food," she says conspiratorially. Rory chuckles, a little grossed out and Maya says, "There's way too many assholes in here."

After her shift, Rory walks around the neighbourhood to see if anywhere else is hiring. Her optimism quickly dives as all she can see are more cafes and bars. Rory walks around in circles until it gets dark and slowly heads back. Sometimes it seems crazy that she's waitressing in the first place. She is going back to Yale in September. That idea is starting to feel equally crazy too. It suddenly seems bizarre to Rory that in a couple of months she'll be back in class, when right now she's living in New York with her boyfriend. Reality feels sharper, heightened somehow. Rory couldn't have imagined living like this last year. A smile strikes her lips as Rory pictures telling her past self where she is now. Sex with Jess - sex in a shower, no less. That had been pretty incredible and her idea. Who's going to call her Mary now?

Rory feels less bright as she climbs the stairs to the apartment, her feet aching from the long shift at work. There's a bad smell, either pee or vomit or possibly a mixture and Rory holds her breath. She wrenches the door open and walks into a wall of stale air. Famished, Rory makes herself a sandwich and some coffee. She'd do anything for an actual meal. When she was younger, living in the potting shed, she and Lorelai didn't have a lot of money but Rory never went hungry. She never appreciated that before. She never felt truly poor. Rory is still starving after the sandwich but is able to ignore it.

Rory showers, taking longer than usual to scrub at herself. It still rankles that Jess commented that she always comes home smelling of the cafe. He's right, and Rory's complained about it enough anyway, but it upset her. Rory hates knowing that she takes the scent of the place home with her, and that showering doesn't get rid of it. She scrubs harder and harder until turning off the water, aware that it was about to turn freezing as it had with her and Jess. After towelling off Rory gets ready for bed. There's nothing else to do. Rory turns her cellphone over and over in her hands. She wonders what her mother is doing right now - probably bugging Luke about something. Rory's stomach grumbles at the thought of the diner and she drops the phone, closing her eyes. She shouldn't have thought about that. It's an unusually cold night and Rory shivers under the thin blanket. Curling up into a tight ball, Rory decides to talk about it all with Jess when he gets back. Is he thinking about the future too? Rory could never decide if he thought about it too much or not enough. He didn't want to bother with high school because he knew he didn't want to go to college, yet Jess never seemed to imagine where he would be at all. A sleepiness cloaks Rory as she gradually warms up and, despite her best efforts, she is asleep when Jess walks in.

Rory is awakened by Jess's stubble brushing her skin. He has fallen asleep against her shoulder and, as she shifts, he looks up and yawns.

"Morning."

"Morning."

It's Saturday. Neither of them have to be anywhere and Jess kisses Rory's arm. She smiles, wanting to kiss him back, but her mood from last night is bugging her.

"Jess."

"Mm."

"I've been thinking...what's going to happen after summer?"

Jess pauses, mid-kiss and sits up.

"I thought we already had it decided. You were going to go back to school."

"School," Rory echoes. She tries to picture herself back in the dorm, at the desks, and says, "Yeah. But what about us?"

"What about us?"

"Are you going to stay here - do what you're doing?"

"What does that mean?" Jess asks sharply and Rory protests, "Nothing! Jess - I'm just trying to figure it out."

"Something wrong what I do?"

"No," Rory says, floored, and Jess's expression softens.

"Sorry. I just - I guess I don't know."

"Know what?" Rory asks quietly and Jess says, "What I'll be doing."

Rory's heart starts to thump painfully and she says, "You mean you might not be here?"

"I'll still be with you," Jess says quickly. "I'll come see you and all that."

"Right," Rory says quietly and Jess asks, "That's what you want, right?"

"Of course." Rory thinks about saying her own hesitations for next year, and decides to leave it. Of course she's going back to Yale. Those were tired, confused thoughts resulting from being starving and exhausted. She wraps her arms around Jess's neck and says, "You know I want to be with you."

Rory kisses Jess this time and he kisses her back, seamlessly slipping off his boxers and her tanktop. They kiss and kiss and Rory pulls him inside, closing her eyes. Sex is their conversation to silence their doubts.


	17. Chapter 17

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Jess breaks out of a doze. He sits up, slightly disorientated and the Kerouac novel he was reading falls onto the floor. Damn, how long was he out? Leaning onto his shoulder, Jess reaches for the watch by the bed and groans slightly. It's mid-morning. Jess doesn't have to be anywhere until afternoon but it's frustrating. He didn't plan on spending most of the morning napping - not that Jess had many other plans. He hadn't been that awake when Rory left for work, sitting up just to kiss her goodbye before falling back into a deep sleep. Jess could hear the despondency in her voice as she left and resisted his urge to tell her not to go. He knows she hates working there. When she told him about what happened Jess wanted to kill those guys. He wants to tell Rory she shouldn't work someplace like that, but she has to. They both need the money. There's not what you'd call the greatest range of job options here. He knows it and she knows it too. So what good's it going to do to tell her Jess wishes she could quit? Nothing. It's not forever anyhow, right? That thought makes Jess pause. He's never had a plan but right now it feels more uncomfortable than reassuring. Jess's eyes land on the novel on the floor. Kerouac always had a philosophy Jess imitated, politics aside. Travelling the country, being rootless and free and alone. That was all Jess wanted, but after some firsthand experience last year it wasn't entirely what he'd imagined. Sometimes it could be lonely. Maybe Kerouac and his buddies never got lonely, or maybe they were just assholes. Jess suspects the latter. Either way, that life turned out better as a dream than what reality offered.

Jeez, is Jess going to spend the next hour getting into existential crap? He's going to make some coffee, find something edible and then shower before work. Jess isn't going to waste the precious freetime he has before work getting lost down memory lane. Like it's even a pleasant stroll. Briskly, he picks up the book, tosses it onto a pile by the bed and goes to to the kitchen where he makes a cup of coffee and a piece of toast which Jess catches right before it burns. Humming some Bowie, Jess goes to the shower, turns it on and is about to step inside before recoiling with disgust.

"What the hell?" Jess asks the empty bathroom. The water has turned a putrid brown. Jess stares blindly at it for a moment before shaking himself and turning it off. He looks at the dripping tiles and tries to think of what to do. He can fix a leaking pipe but is hardly a plumber. Cautiously, Jess turns the shower back on and this time it seems okay. He lets it run for a moment and then steps under it, just as the water turns to ice. Jess shouts as it drenches it him but, at least, it's clean water and not the brown stuff from before. Still, Jess doesn't want to stay in the shower and see if that changes. Besides, he's already freezing his balls off. Shivering, Jess grabs his towel and once he's pulled on some jeans and a shirt he goes back into the bathroom to try and figure it out. The sink tap is cold. So is the one in the kitchen. _Fuck_. There is zero hot water.

Jess tries to look at the pipes but all that happens is nearly brushing noses with a cockroach. Jumping back, Jess bashes his head on the cupboard door and lets out a loud swear, the bug running into a crack in the wall before he can squash it. Sitting on his heels, Jess tries to think of a way to fix it and comes up empty. What the hell is he going to do? Picking up his cellphone, Jess cautiously dials a number and closes his eyes.

"Hello?"

Luke picks up almost instantly, sounding frazzled. Jess opens and closes his mouth, regretting calling already.

"Hello?" Luke repeats, sounding annoyed. "I've got a diner to get to so spit it out, would you?"

Jess nearly hangs up but decides that would be pathetic. What, he's afraid to talk to his uncle?

"It's Jess," he says quietly. There's a pause and Jess opens his mouth again, wondering if Luke didn't hear, but then his uncle says, "Hi Jess."

His voice is careful, more concerned than angry. Jess swallows and manages to say, "Hi."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Okay, that's enough _his_," Luke says, coughing. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." Jess feels awkward and is glad his uncle can't see him as Luke exclaims, "Nothing? You just called so we could go through several rounds of greetings?"

"Forget it."

"Jess, what's going on?" Luke asks, his tone even again. "Come on. Why'd you call?"

"Never mind, it's..."

"Jess. It's not nothing."

"There's something wrong with the pipes," Jess says and Luke repeats, "The pipes? What's happened?"

"There was this brown stuff..."

"Brown stuff? Like sewage?"

"No...just like brown water, I guess."

"It could be rust."

"Huh. Maybe. Anyway, it stopped but then the water went cold and I can't get it back to normal."

"You have no hot water?"

"Zilch."

"Have you called your landlord?" Luke asks and Jess can't help laughing. Like that'll be any use. Luke gets the message and says, "So I'm assuming that's not an option. Have you looked at the pipes?"

"I don't really know what I'm looking for," Jess admits. There's a long pause and Luke says, "I'm guessing there's no point in telling you the place is a dump and the pipes will probably break again anyway."

"Not really."

Luke sighs and says, "Let me come and take a look."

"What?" Jess asks, thrown off. "No. You don't need to - just tell me what to do, I'll figure it out."

"I'm here."

"You've got the diner."

"Caeser's there, and Lane, and the place couldn't be in more capable hands. Trust me, Kirk worked here last week."

Jess smiles but insists, "Luke, you really don't need to drive out here."

"I want to," Luke says. "I don't want you and Rory living in a health hazard."

Jess tries to protest but Luke tells him he'll be there within the hour. Jess tries to tidy the place a little but judging by his uncle's raised eyebrows and cough as he enters it hasn't helped much. Luke doesn't make a remark on it. Instead, he dumps a cardboard box of something heavy on the kitchen table and without comment asks to take a look at the water. Jess tries to look in the box but is distracted by Luke asking more about the water and then spends twenty minutes at the boiler, Jess waiting awkwardly behind him. It's a hot day and Jess feels some sweat slowly bead down his back. Finally, Luke lifts his head back up and coughs again, taking off his cap and shaking the dust off.

"Fixed."

"Seriously?"

"For now. And that brown stuff was just rust. But Jess, I mean what I said. I don't like you and Rory living somewhere with no landlord with bursting pipes."

"They didn't burst."

"You know what I mean. You know what I'm saying."

Jess nods a little, hesitaes and asks, "Can I give you something for fixing it?"

"No. No way."

"I want to pay you back...for everything, I mean."

Luke straightens up, looking Jess in the eye, and is serious as he says, "Jess, you know what would mean more than that? Getting out of here."

"I can't -"

"Yes you can. You and Rory want to be together, great. But this apartment - Jess, it's falling apart. It's not safe."

"It's fine."

Luke sighs and says, "I'm not trying to cut into your independent thing or whatever. But I don't think this is enough for either of you."

"Rory is going back to Yale in fall anyway. Relax."

"Right," Luke says quietly. He looks at his nephew for a moment and says, "What about you?"

"What about me?" Jess chuckles but is slightly thrown by the question. "I don't know," he says honestly. Luke nods and goes over to the sink to wash his hands. Jess watches him and, before he can lose his nerve, says, "Do you think I screwed up?"

There's a silence as Luke stops mid-rinse and hastily Jess says, "Okay, I know the answer is yes and I won't ask for the extended answer. I just...I..." Dammit! His voice is fading all over again. Why can't Jess say what is he's trying to ask? Luke turns around, drying his hands on his pants and says gently, "Do I think you messed up your whole life?"

Jess gives a kind of shrug and Luke says, "Jess, you're barely twenty-one. You're too young to have screwed up your whole life. You can do more. You can fix things."

Jess nods, looking away. He wants to ask Luke if he thinks he's still smart, like Brad at the restaurant saying he could write a book, but Jess can't. He just shrugs again and Luke takes a step towards him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I've not been thrilled with you lately," he says and Jess nods. "We both know why. But I meant what I said...I'm always here. If you want to come back..."

"I can't live in Stars Hollow again."

"If you want my help," Luke says steadily, "I'm here. You're my nephew."

Jess nods again as Luke steps away and he indicates at the box he brought in when he arrived. "That's a care package for you and Rory."

"Luke, you don't have to -"

"Like I said, I want to. And I also meant what I said before," Luke says, sounding more serious. "I don't think this is a good place for you to be living. And it's one thing if you want to live like this, but Rory too? I'm guessing neither of you have tons of spare cash."

"We're fine," Jess says sullenly. His goodwill to his uncle is fading rapidly and he shakes his head when Luke asks, "Do you want to get lunch or something?"

"No. I have to go work."

"Then at least let me give you some money," Luke says and Jess doesn't object as he pushes the bills into his hand.

"Thanks," Jess says uncomfortably. "For that and for the pipes..."

"Call me again if you need to," Luke says, putting his hat back on. "And say hey to Rory from me, would you? I'm sorry I missed her."

Jess nods and Luke adds, "Lorelai misses her too."

If he was feeling more normal Jess would ask if Lorelai was carrying around a shovel with his name on it but instead he just sticks his hands in his pockets, nodding like a moron. Luke leaves and Jess goes to the window. When he was a kid Luke visited him and Liz a couple of times. Jess can't remember how old he was - he was still pretty little - but he does remember running to the window to watch his car pull away, wanting his uncle to stay. He must've cried once because Jess can still hear Liz saying, _Hey, what's with the waterworks kiddo?_

It feels weird to remember. Jess stares out of the window a little longer before shaking himself and getting ready for work. He busies himself with it but can't get his uncle's words out of his mind. _You can still fix things_. So he thinks there's a lot to fix. And it's worse for Rory to live like this than him, it seems. Not that Jess is really surprised by that statement. He can't seem to rid them, all through work, and Jess keeps making stupid mistakes. Still, when Rory comes home Jess relaxes a little. Being able to take a shower helped.

"Hey," he says, going to kiss her. "How was work?"

"Fine..." Rory says vaguely. "It was okay." She gives him a quick smile, kicking off her shoes, and then goes over the table, exclaiming over the care package.

"What's this?"

"There was a problem with the pipes...Luke came by and fixed it. He dropped off that."

"Wow, real food," Rory says gleefully. She opens a packet of chips and asks, "What's wrong with the pipes?"

"There wasn't any hot water...it's fine, Luke fixed it."

Rory nods, her voice forcedly casual as she asks, "Did he mention people?"

"Says your mom misses you."

Rory nods. Jess hesitates, wondering if she wants to talk about it, but even if she does Jess has no words to offer. Rory eats more chips and says, "I'm exhausted. Let's just eat and do nothing tonight."

Like they usually do so much, but Jess doesn't say it. Rory seems sad. He talks cheerfully about the pasta dish he can make and, once they're finished he says, "I talked about some stuff with Luke."

"You did?" Rory sits up, concerned, and Jess swallows.

"Sort of."

"What about?"

"Just...stuff," Jess says vaguely, wishing he'd never brought it up. "He says I can still do more."

"You can," Rory says quietly. Jess looks at her and she holds his gaze. "You can, Jess."

Jess silently gets up, taking their plates to the kitchen. He dumps them in the sink after rinsing them off and when he gets back to the bed he says, "It was no big deal."

"Jess..."

"It's fine, Rory."

"Okay," Rory says quietly. She looks at him but picks up her book and they both read in silence. Jess is sleepy. He's not used to feeling so full and it's making him tired, yet he can't relax. A little while later, Jess slowly puts his book down.

"Even if I can do more, or something...what am I going to do?"

He waits and then says, "Rory?"

Jess looks over and sees Rory has fallen fast asleep, her breath pulsing in and out of her mouth. Gently, Jess places the blanket over her and lies down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The question chases around his mind until he drops into a deep, dark sleep with endless turns.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks for the feedback!**

One especially hot Friday evening, Rory kicks her shoes off and goes to lie down on the bed. She needs to shower away the smell of the cafe, but is too exhausted to move. Jess left early for work and Rory is relieved. She's too tired to talk to anyone, even Jess, and is also guiltily grateful not to be home with Lorelai, who matches Rory word for word, filling in the blanks if Rory was trying to study and being too quiet. Groaning, Rory stretches, attempts to sit up and fails. She's so tired her eyes are blurring. Slowly, she sits up and peels off her clothes before gradually making her way to the shower. Rory washes nervously, craning her neck to ensure that the water remains clear. It's been fine since Luke fixed the boiler but Rory doesn't trust that it won't happen again. Still, she washes without incident and pulls on some jeans and a loose shirt. The water refreshed her a little and Rory feels awake enough to open one of the boxes of books in the corner. Inside are some novels Rory had lined up for Yale, and also for pleasure, and Rory settles on a short story by MR James. Opening the book, Rory tucks her legs up and starts to read but her eyelids keep drooping. Dropping the book, Rory wakes up with a start some hours later.

"I give up," Rory says to the empty room. She knows the books are going to used in class next year - Rory had read all about the semester ahead of time - and got Andrew to order them in especially for her, but Rory hasn't read through one single book. She's so tired after work that she can't seem to concentrate. Rory gets up and makes herself some coffee and sips it between dozing until Jess comes back.

The next day Rory and Jess lie in late. Relishing not having to be anywhere, Rory snuggles closer to Jess's side and lets out a contented sigh. There's a soft rain falling outside, causing a merciful drop in temperature. Jess drops a lazy kiss on Rory's neck, making her smile, and stretches.

"Guess we should get up."

"Who says?" Rory pouts and Jess laughs.

"This coming from the girl who got up early every Saturday in Stars Hollow."

"I'm not in Stars Hollow."

"Was it different in Yale?" Jess teases and chuckles as Rory says, "Well, no, but there was the day after Spring Break. Guess it wasn't technically Yale itself -"

"You went on Spring Break?" Jess asks incredulously and Rory exclaims, "What, you don't think I could go there?"

"No - I think you can go anywhere you want. Just didn't know it was your scene."

"It's not really," Rory admits. "I mostly went for the sun and to read."

"Sounds perfectly reasonable to me."

"It was. But it wasn't all I did. Paris and I watched _The Power of Myth_ and we went to a club and made out and -"

"Whoa," Jess says, holding up a hand. "You watched _The Power of Myth_?"

"Mom already gave me a hard time about that!"

"Hey, not judging," Jess says seriously. "I just want to figure out how you swung that. Because if I go on Spring Break it's what I'll be doing."

"Paris managed to get us a VCR via a lot of tipping, which was more bribery, and I found a video rental place. And I didn't know you were planning on going on Spring Break."

"I like to keep my options open."

"Is that right?"

"Absolutely."

"I'll tell you where to rent videos."

"Appreciated. You'll have to tell me about this tipping system for the VCR though."

They grin at each other, getting up and Rory feels the cooler air pucker her skin. As she finds an outfit for the day Jess lifts up the book Rory failed to read yesterday from where it fell on the floor.

"You dropped this."

"Oh - thanks. Just leave it on the chair, I guess," Rory says, feeling flustered as Jess turns it over in his hands.

"How is it?"

"I haven't read it yet."

Jess peruses the back cover and Rory adds, "I was going to read it for Yale. We're studying him next semester."

Jess nods, putting the book down and Rory looks away. It feels weird to say so, somehow. She doesn't want to think about after summer when she and Jess won't be living together anymore. It doesn't even feel like a possibility, for all that she told Lorelai her time in New York would only be temporary. Seeing Jess examine the book reminds Rory of their conversation the other night, of how he could do more. Jess didn't seem convinced. It makes Rory sad to think that Jess doesn't think he's capable of it, when Rory knows he's capable of anything he puts his mind to. As they dress Rory casually asks, "Jess, do you ever..."

"Ever what?"

"Do you ever think of going to college?" Rory asks, trying to sound casual but she bites her lip as Jess snorts and says, "No."

"But you could totally do it."

"I don't want to go."

"Why?"

"Rory, we've been through this," Jess says, sounding annoyed. "It'd be a waste of time."

"Why? You were talking about doing more."

"Because I don't need people telling me what to read and what to think! That's not doing more."

"Is that what you think Yale is?" Rory asks quietly. "Is that what you think I'm doing - being told how to think?"

"No," Jess says, and then he is by her side, taking her hand. "No, Rory. I don't think that for a second."

"Then why do you think it for you?"

"It's different," Jess says after a pause. "I just - I don't want to go to college, Rory. I like deciding what I'm reading and where I'm going."

Rory isn't sure what to say. Jess puts his arms around her and says earnestly, "You've got to go to college."

Rory smiles, shrugging a little and Jess adds, "I'll read that book after you, I just won't do the assignment on it."

"You can read it now if you want," Rory comments. Her light mood from before has gone. Even after Jess has left for work and Rory has the apartment to herself she can't focus on the book, and she puts it down, getting up and going over to the window. Suddenly, the whole idea of reading for college seems crazy in general. Rory can't picture herself back in a dorm, working on assignments or being dragged out to whatever crazy college scheme Paris has come up with next. Is she just supposed to go back to it, after living like this? It's a whole new universe. A doubt pulls at Rory's mind. Maybe Jess had the right idea in not going to college. He's smart enough, but, as he said, he doesn't need to be given assignments, live in that world. Rory was bound for it since she could walk but now she wonders, was it always her dream? Rory watches the rain wash the dirty pane, distorting her reflection. Perhaps her world is changing too.


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks for the feedback!**

"Happy Birthday!"

Jess rolls over, groaning, and looks up to see Rory grinning at him. She's taken off the tanktop she sleeps in, pushing her chest onto his and giving Jess a kiss. Jess sleepily kisses her back, enjoying the nudge of her breasts, but is too tired to give Rory a real kiss. How old is he now? Right, twenty-one. Jess groans slightly and Rory lightly pokes his arm.

"Hey, what's with the grumpiness?"

"Nothing...just tired."

"You're twenty-one," Rory tells Jess, making him groan again. "Feeling that extra year older?"

"Something like that."

"You don't want to go and buy your first drink?"

"Not exactly my first."

"Your first _legal _one," Rory says rolling her eyes and Jess remarks, "Kind of early in the day. Well, actually -" He was about to make a remark on how Liz got started long before noon on her drinks of the day but stops himself. Jess doesn't want to think about Liz, especially not today. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and laughs as Rory kisses him again, stopping to pull off her underwear.

"You're not awake enough for that?" she teases, running a hand across his leg and Jess says honestly, "I want to be. Must be my encroaching age."

"Lie still," Rory says and, before Jess can ask what she means she's on top of him, kissing him all over and by the time Jess is so awake he can't stand it, Rory smiles, shakes her head and straddles him, kissing Jess as he pushes inside her. Rory starts to move with him, gasping slightly and Jess can barely catch his breath. Rory's eyes are bright, her skin flushed, and Jess locks his gaze on hers. He could float away on those eyes. Rory moves harder, closing her eyes, gasping _faster_, and Jess tries to match her rhythm, holding her hips. They rock faster, melded to one, breaths ragged. Jess tries to focus but knows he can't hold off much longer. _Fuck_. He moves with Rory's slickness, feeling perspiration bead down his chest, but then a strand of her hair tickles Jess's arm and he comes with a loud groan. Rory breathes harder and harder and then Jess feels her come too and with a cry she arches up before falling down on his chest. They lie still for a moment, a tangle of sweaty arms and legs and then Jess sheepishly says, "Sorry."

"For what?"

"Your hair tickled me - I could have kept going."

"For how much longer?" Rory teases and Jess grins. It would probably have only been minutes.

"Oh, hours."

"Right," Rory says with a smirk and then smiles properly, leaning into his chest. "Happy Birthday, Jess."

"Thank you," Jess says, kissing her shoulder. He's pretty confident in thinking it's the best sex they've ever had. He lies back, utterly content, and rolls to his side when Rory gets up to use the bathroom. Jess lifts up the book she was reading, or trying to read, the other day. Jess is halfway through and finding it pretty good, but Rory hasn't given it another shot. She seemed kind of weird when he asked her about it, but maybe she feels awkward not finishing it or something. Rory gets defensive over stuff like that.

After showering, Jess finds a relatively clean pair of pants and a shirt before kissing Rory goodbye.

"See you later."

"It's not fair that you have work on your birthday."

"I agree."

"There should be a law against it."

"Again, agreed, but sadly, not to be."

"We'll just have to change the law," Rory says with a sigh. "So begins our life of crime."

"What about that whole Thelma and Louise thing you have with Lorelai?"

"We can only aspire to that," Rory says but her voice is sad. Jess bites his lip - what did he have to go mentioning Lorelai for? He lifts his hand in an awkward half-wave and heads to the restaurant.

Work is great up until the moment Brad claps a massive hand on Jess's shoulder, calling him the birthday boy. Jess didn't want anyone to know it was his birthday - he's silently wondering who ratted him out until he remembers mentioning it weeks ago when asked when he was. Why the hell didn't Jess say a fake date?_ Moron_. Now Brad is loudly talking about buying Jess a drink after work and, before it can develop into anything solid, Jess quickly holds up his hand and abruptly shakes his head.

"I'm good."

"What do you mean, you're good?" Brad demands. "It's your twenty-first birthday!"

"So what?" Jess asks and Brad stares, laughing in disbelief.

"So what? So you only turn twenty-one once."

"I'm busy after work," Jess says automatically but Brad shakes his head.

"One beer? Come on, man. If you don't drink I'll get you a lemonade."

Jess is about to comment that he thought the whole point was it being a legal drink, but Brad looks weirdly hopeful and Jess starts to feel like a jerk. He starts scrubbing a plate and says, "One drink."

One drink turns to three. They're talking about the worst jobs they've ever had and Jess and Brad both ponder if their current one is in the running at the same time. They chuckle, clinking their glasses, and Jess feels like he's in some cheesy Bette Midler movie. The beer has made him feel pleasantly relaxed but he shakes his head at another. He doesn't want to get back drunk.

"I'm going out with my girlfriend."

"Miss Yale," Brad remarks and Jess says, "She has a name."

"Sure. What was it?"

"Rory," Jess says but despite Brad's nod he gets the sense she'll always be Miss Yale in his head.

"Still with her then."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"No reason," Brad says, backing off. He swallows the last of his beer and asks, "How come you're so secretive about everything? You're always reading or look like you want to be reading."

"I usually do."

"This is going to sound super cheesy, but don't you get lonely?"

"I'm fine," Jess says shortly. He gets to his feet and says, if only to shut Brad up, "How about shooting some pool?"

Brad looks at Jess with a funny expression ascertaining if he's being serious, when a loud voice shrieks behind them, "Baby!"

Jess feels his whole body turn from boiling to pure ice. He slowly turns around to see the voice belonging to Liz who is grinning ear to ear, her arms making a ridiculous rattle from the wooden charms she has decorated on her jacket.

"What are you doing here?" Jess asks and Liz exclaims, "To see my baby boy on his birthday! Everybody, this is my son Jess and it's his birthday today!"

Jess looks around for a convenient trapdoor. People are sniggering, Brad wearing an expression somewhere between confusion and amusement and Jess hisses, "Liz, not here!"

"What do you mean, not here!" Liz cries. "You're twenty-one, my baby boy! I'll buy us a round of beer."

"No," Jess says just as Brad says, "That'd be great."

Beaming, Liz hustles to the bar and Jess sinks down onto his seat. Beer with a guy from work is one thing. Beer with his mother is a different story. Jess rubs his knuckles against his cheek and glowers when Brad says, "She seems nice."

Liz returns with three slopping glasses and, halfway through three mortifying childhood stories, Jess stands up, spilling the beer onto the table.

"I'm leaving."

"Jess - hey, wait for me."

Jess strides out with Liz on his heels, not bothering to say goodbye to Brad. He marches to the middle of the sidewalk and stops only when Liz cries, "Wait, please, Jess!"

"What are you doing here?" Jess demands, whirling around. "I know, I know, it's my birthday. But how'd you know I was here?"

"Luke told me where you work,"Liz says eagerly. "I went there and this janitor guy, who was a total sweetie by the way, told me you'd gone to this bar. I asked him to tag along but he has to work for another two hours. My Jess, out with a pal! Can I see where you live?"

"No!" Jess is furious. _Luke_ called her? He was half hoping his uncle would call him tonight but now Jess thinks he'll ignore the call if he does. He doesn't want Luke to even think of birthday wishes.

"Why?" Liz asks, looking slapped, and then she adds, "I guess I know," before Jess can answer.

"Good," Jess says forcefully. "You can go back to Stars Hollow, enjoy the icecream social or whatever. The thrilling sequel to the Liz saga, now with husband number four. Maybe this one is dumb enough to stick around."

"Hey."

"Don't come visit me."

"It's your birthday," Liz pleads. "You're my kid. You know Jess, when they laid me in your arms all I could think about was how smart you were. I knew already. And I wondered how the hell you came out of me. I still wonder that."

"Me too," Jess says roughly. "Talking about what we remember, walks down memory lane aren't such a fun stroll for me, okay?" A memory is fresh in Jess's mind, his sixth birthday and Liz forgot. It was a hot day and she'd promised the circus and she forgot. She was out all morning and didn't remember until evening. It still stings to think of.

Liz nods, looking down, and Jess starts walking away. She waits for him to reach the corner before calling, "I love you!"

Jess is still incensed when he gets back to the apartment. He curses the door as it refuses to open, giving it a harder kick than necessary. He just wants to sleep - screw going out. His thoughts on how to tell Rory are interrupted by a horrific smell of burning. Jess runs inside, heart thumping painfully in his mouth, but then he sees Rory bent over a burnt mass, submerged in a fog of smoke.

"What the hell is going on?" Jess demands and Rory turns to face him. There is a large streak of flour across her cheeks and she says, "I wanted to bake you a cake."

Her voice is filled with embarrassment. It's too smoky in the room to see but Jess guesses her face is red as well as white from the flour. Rory adds, "Guess that was a dumb idea, huh?" and Jess silently goes over to the window, forcing it open. For once he's glad the place doesn't even have a smoke alarm. The beer has gone to his head, aching through his skull, and the stench in the kitchen isn't helping. He grabs the blackened mound which is stuck to the plate Rory has slipped it onto.

"Why did you try and bake?" he demands. "You use the oven to store _shoes_! Have you even successfully turned one on before?"

"I just wanted it to be a surprise," Rory says in a small voice and Jess snaps, "Great idea! You probably doubled the electric bill while you were at it! This just caps the perfect day!"

Rory's lip trembles and through the thick air Jess can see her tear up a little. God, he's an asshole. Tentatively he steps closer to her.

"I'm sorry," he says sincerely. "Ignore me Rory - I'm a jerk."

"I shouldn't have tried to bake."

"You shouldn't have to listen to me be an ass. You were doing something for me and I just - God, I'm so sorry. You should make me sleep out here."

"The kitchen isn't too far from the bed," Rory points out. Her voice is wobbly but she smiles as Jess says, "I'll sleep on the floor."

"I think you're good."

"Make me eat that cake then," Jess says, making Rory laugh. "I'm so sorry, Rory. I just had a bad night."

"Why - what happened?"

"I ran into Liz. Well, she ran into me."

"What?" Rory asks, putting an arm around him, and Jess says, "Luke told her where I work. She came to wish me a happy birthday."

"Oh." Rory doesn't sound sure of what to say, which makes two of them.

"Yeah. That was my reaction too."

"Well, did you talk to her?"

Jess shrugs. He doesn't want to go over it. It's his birthday, isn't that supposed to be his best day of the year? Some junk like that.

"Do you still want to go out?" Rory asks and Jess shakes his head.

"I'm tired. Can we just hang out?"

"Of course - but can we still get pizza? I mean, I'm starving and there's no air in here but besides that, it is your birthday. You should have pizza on your birthday."

"I can't argue with that," Jess says.

"Good - let me go wash my face. I don't think I want flour to be my new look."

"I think it's cutting edge," Jess jokes, making Rory laugh, and brushes some off her nose. Rory washes the rest off and adds, "I wish I had a real gift. The cake was so stupid."

"It's okay."

"It's not. I'll make it up."

"You have," Jess promises Rory. It's the best birthday he can remember. Jess smiles for the first time all night, and he and Rory exit the apartment into the new year of his life.


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks for the feedback!**

One hot morning Rory lies in bed. She's been awake for maybe five minutes and can see Jess start to stir. In those minutes she mulled over her plan, or lack thereof, and as Jess cracks his eyes open she nudges his shoulder and says, "Hey Jess."

"Mm."

"I've been thinking."

"For a change," Jess jokes sarcastically but then asks seriously, "What have you been thinking about?"

"I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go back to Yale in Fall."

That wakes Jess up. He sits up slightly and asks, "What?"

He sounds disbelieving and goes on to say, "You want to quit school?"

"Maybe - I don't know."

"You've got to go to school," Jess says incredulously. "You go to Yale, Rory."

"Who says I have to?" Rory retorts, leaning up on an elbow. "You're not in college."

"I'm not you."

"So because my mom and I planned for me to go to Harvard in Kindergarten I can't change my mind? I already did - Harvard turned to Yale."

Jess is rubbing a hand across his eyelids, looking perturbed, and frowns when Rory adds, "You always said I can do anything. Why can't I do this?"

"Why?" Jess asks after a pause. "Why do you want to leave Yale?"

"We live here like this," Rory says, gesturing around the near-empty room. "Everything's different - I can't picture just going back to school and living in a dorm."

"But you've got to finish college."

"Why?" Rory demands. "Why do I have to, and you don't? I thought you'd understand."

"You said you'd do this if it was for summer."

"So you don't want to stay together?"

"That's not what I said. I just don't want you to ditch school for me. What happened to being the next Christiane Amanpour?"

Rory shrugs, watching a sunbeam strike the bed. "Maybe I want to see what else is out there."

Jess looks at her but doesn't say anything else. The silence is starting to become awkward and finally Jess says, "You're the smartest person I know."

"Present company excluded?" Rory teases but Jess doesn't smile. He exhales and says, "You can figure out your path. But don't base it off mine, okay?"

"I thought you'd be happy."

"I am happy - Rory, I love you. I love being with you. But we can still be together in Yale."

"It's not about that," Rory snaps and, angry, she throws the covers back and storms off to the shower. When she's back Jess has made some coffee and Rory takes a cup, feeling a little bashful.

"I know it's not only that," Jess says, finishing the thought for her. "But I'm just saying - do the smart thing."

"Don't worry about that," Rory says, taking a gulp of fierce coffee. "Aren't I smartest person you know?"

The next few days pass quietly. On Saturday, Rory is flicking through a newspaper someone left at the cafe last night, when a sudden knock on the door makes her jump. Puzzled, Rory goes to the door and slowly opens it just after another knock comes impatiently. Rory's confusion turns to a shocked dismay as the door reveals Lorelai on the other side.

"Mom?"

"You remember, I'm so touched," Lorelai says. Rory gapes at her for a moment and then asks, "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd see where my daughter's shacking up. Didn't receive an invitation - did it get lost in the mail?"

"Because you were so enthusiastic about my new living situation."

"Well, do I get to see it?"

Rory looks at her, sighs and says, "Come on in."

"With that invite, who could refuse?"

Lorelai strides into the apartment, Rory at her heels. She stops in the centre, making Rory bump into her, and takes a look around. She stares at the room, the bed in the corner, turns back to Rory and says, "No."

"_No_ what?"

"No, you can't live here."

"It's kind of too late."

"Rory, this place is a complete hovel! It makes the potting shed look like the freaking Ritz!"

"It's fine."

"It's not fine! It's the opposite of fine! God, the heat in here -" Rory resists making a joke about her and Jess's chemistry - Lorelai wrinkles her nose and adds, "And yet it's damp at the same time!"

And freezing at night, Rory silently adds. Her small amusement has faded as her mother slowly walks around the perimeter of the room, staring out of the window.

"Looks like you have fantastic neighbours too. They loaned you any cups of crack lately?"

"Mom, stop."

"No, you stop," Lorelai says firmly. "I don't like you living here."

"It's not up to you."

"Luke told me about fixing the pipes. Do you know how many brownies he had to bribe me with to stop me driving over?"

"Evidently not enough."

Lorelai narrows her eyes and lets out a long breath.

"Fine. You're almost twenty - I get it. You're still young enough for this to seem exciting and adventurous rather than gross and unsanitary. And I know you're moving back to Yale at the end of summer. But Rory please, this place - it's not safe. It's not healthy."

Rory shifts slightly and Lorelai adds, "I know, I'm being a mom and freaking out but Rory I _am_ your mom, and it might not too much longer but -"

"It's not that," Rory says quietly and Lorelai frowns. "What?"

Rory stays silent and then jumps as her mother grabs her shoulders.

"Tell me you're not pregnant. Rory, I swear, if -"

"Mom, relax. I'm not pregnant."

Lorelai releases Rory's shoulders with a sigh of relief. "Thank God."

"It's just..."

Lorelai shifts back into alert mode. "Just what?"

"Mom, I was thinking," Rory says, trying to keep her tone even. "Maybe I won't go back to Yale."

Her mother stares at her mutely and then lets out a bark of laughter. "I'm sorry. I thought I just heard my Ivy League daughter tell me she's dropping out of Yale, which she's worked for her whole life. Maybe there's asbestos in here. I wish I was kidding on the last part."

"Mom, I'm serious. Maybe just for a semester -"

"No," Lorelai says. Her voice is firm and serious and she goes on, "No, Rory. No way."

"It's not up to you."

"Goddammit Rory! You told me this was for summer! Even that is long enough, but at least you had school to go back to! Now what? You're going to live like this forever? This place is your longterm plan? You plan everything through and now you're going to drop it for some guy?"

"It's not for him!"

"Then who is it for?"

"Me! I want to do something new!"

"Great, you have a plan?"

"I don't need a plan! Mom, everything's different," Rory says earnestly. "I work, I live here and it's a total new world. You know. You left Grandma's world."

"I had to."

"I feel like I have to do this too."

"Rory, you're not even twenty," Lorelai says. She's staring into Rory's eyes as she says desperately, "You're barely an adult. This - living like this - it's a fun adventure, but it can't be your whole life. Yale is more important. It's your education! You could do anything, be anything, and you're going to throw it away to work in a cafe and sleep with your high school boyfriend?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand," Rory says, her throat hot with tears and Lorelai snaps, "You're damn right I don't understand. We had this plan since Kindergarten."

"Right, I bet a five-year-old came up with it!"

"It was all you," Lorelai says, her voice wobbling. "You always loved books, learning. You were so smart - you _are_ so smart! Or I thought you were. What happened to learning and travelling the world?"

"And you think I can only learn and accomplish things by going to college? You didn't go to college! We were okay in the potting shed, we were good, and then we got a house and you took over from Mia at work. And now you're running your own inn!"

"And you think that was easy?" Lorelai shouts. "I would have killed to go to college! I lost my whole young adulthood, Rory - I stopped being a kid the second I got pregnant with you! And I regret it so much!"

Rory sucks in a cold breath, feeling like she's been slapped. Lorelai gasps too and then she's grabbing Rory's shoulders again.

"I don't regret you," she says fiercely. "That's not what I meant - you know you're everything to me. I've loved my life with you."

"You just said you regretted it!"

"No - Rory, I regret losing the chance to go to college, to be a dumb kid for a while. And I regret having the time to figure out the next step. I'm sorry I lost that time. I wouldn't do it over - you have to know that - but I want more for you. When I was eighteen I had to work as a maid when everyone else my age was going to parties and heading to college. It was _so_ hard, Rory, you can't imagine how hard it was. I want you to have everything I didn't! Kid, I love you so much. You're my best friend!"

"I thought a best friend would understand more."

"A best friend gives advice as well. And you're also my daughter. Rory, you should be doing all the things I couldn't!"

"So what, I'm your do-over?" Rory demands, voice shaking. "I don't get to decide things because I should be doing what you didn't?"

"That's not what I said," Lorelai says but Rory shakes her head.

"You always decide what I should do. You sound like Grandma."

"That's not fair."

"Yes it us. You think I have to be perfect all the time. Like I'm the kid Richard and Emily should have had. Well, I'm not."

"No," Lorelai says quietly. "You're not."

They stare at each other for a minute and finally Lorelai sighs. She takes a breath and, sounding like she's holding back tears, says, "Fine, you know what, it is your life. And you can screw it up any way you want. Just don't come crying to me when you're pregnant, waitressing and everyone else you know is getting ready to graduate and starting dream jobs."

"I'm not you!" Rory says furiously. "So who says I'll be getting knocked up? I'm _smart_, right?"

"I thought you were. Now I don't know what to say to you."

"I don't want to talk to you," Rory says viciously. "Don't worry about that."

"Glad to hear it," Lorelai snaps. She slams the door, leaving the plaster to flake off the wall, and Rory releases her heavy breaths, feeling the ruins of the fight fall down.


	21. Chapter 21

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Jess drives slowly to Stars Hollow. He can't think of anywhere he'd least rather be going, but he needs papers for his car. There's a problem with the carburetor - Jess finally found a mechanic which didn't cost something crazy, as he refused to entertain the thought of going to Gypsy's and being in Stars Hollow. The fact that he has to go back there for the papers seems sickly ironic. Jess hasn't called Luke. He doesn't want to deal with the yelling he knows will come from Rory's decision and aisde from that, Jess is still mad at him for calling Liz and telling her his news.

The drive doesn't take long. Before Jess can stand it he's driving through what could be confused with Candyland. Miss Patty has another one of her parades on display; and Jess carefully skirts children dressed as lollipops and candycanes. Parking the car, Jess is positive that staying here would have sent him out of sanity. The summer where they ran out of snowcones came pretty close, especially as he didn't have Rory to laugh at it with.

Jess's thoughts are interrupted as he looks up at the diner. Madly, he considers just running in, grabbing the papers and heading back without Luke seeing - after all, he managed to get up to the apartment unnoticed when Sookie got married - but that thought is scuppered as Jess pushes open the door and Luke looks up from the table he's clearing. They stare at each other for a moment and then Luke simply says, "Upstairs."

Jess doesn't argue. Silently, he follows his uncle to the apartment and when they get inside Luke explodes, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I needed some stuff for my car."

"I don't mean that," Luke says, which Jess already knew. "What about Rory?"

"What about her?"

"Lorelai says she's dropping out of Yale! What did you say to her?"

"I didn't say anything to her!" Jess says angrily. "She decided it, not me!"

"And I'm sure she'd have decided it if you hadn't asked her to move in with you!"

"I didn't make her do anything!" Jess shouts. "And I'm getting a little tired of everyone in this town making me out to be the bad guy!"

"You shouldn't have asked her!"

"We're not kids! It's her life!"

Luke exhales, closing his eyes for a moment and then says, "So what do you think of this grand plan, Jess? Do you think she should leave school?"

No, Jess says silently. Of course he doesn't. Rory belongs in Yale, he's sure of it. She shouldn't drop out. But as she keeps saying, it's her life too. He loves her. What is Jess supposed to do - make her go back? Everyone pushes that idea of perfection on her. Jess isn't going to that.

Luke is still staring at him and Jess shrugs, making him lose his temper again.

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Not really."

"You're being selfish," Luke goes on anyway. "You're letting her throw away her education to be with you. You're both smarter than this - I thought you were."

"Why is this my job?" Jess demands, losing his temper too. "Rory decided this, not me. But that's right, I forgot, I'm the jerk who was going to mess up everything for her. You want to take a pitchfork? I bet they're selling them at Doose's."

"Stop that," Luke says, sounding slightly hurt. "I stuck up for you. I was the one always helping you out, wanting you to do better."

"But I didn't, right?" Jess says, staring his uncle in the eye. "It matters if Rory drops out of Yale but - forget it," he mumbles and Luke says, "Jess, come on."

Jess looks away but as his uncle starts to say his name again Jess asks, "You think she should be with someone better, right?"

"I never said that."

"How come you kept telling me not to do something to her last year? How I should sit at an opposite side of the room?"

"You know what I meant!"

"Do you think I'm messing up her life?"

"I don't think you're helping her," Luke says quietly. Jess takes a sharp breath and says bitterly, "Screw you."

"Get what you want and go," Luke says tightly. "I've got customers."

"That's all I wanted."

Luke turns away quickly, almost running back down the stairs, and Jess grabs the papers from the shelf he stored them on. He angrily rubs away the tears that have run and, to his annoyance, a fresh batch spring up. Why is he getting emotional over this? It's not like Luke's opinion is of any surprise.

Stuffing the papers in his pocket, Jess slams back out of the diner and onto the street. Head down, he walks as fast as he can back to the car before almost colliding with someone. Jess looks up to see Dean. Sighing, he keeps on but Dean turns and follows him, his stroll becoming a stride.

"Hey!"

"Me?" Jess asks and Dean snarls, "Yeah, you. You practically ran me over."

"What, you want to sue for damages?"

Ignoring that, Dean demands, "What are you doing?"

"Talking to you, unfortunately."

"Don't play dumb. You know I mean with Rory."

"What about her?"

"She shouldn't be with you," Dean says angrily. "You're not right for her."

"Oh, and you are?"

"I'm better for her than you."

"Is that right?" Jess laughs. "Because the last time I checked, you got married. How's that turning out, by the way?"

A muscle works in Dean's jaw and Jess adds, "Don't understand why got married at nineteen anyway. Were you that desperate to have sex?"

"Shut up. No one asked for your advice."

"Not giving advice, offering an opinion."

"Didn't ask for that either."

"But you got married, right?" Jess presses. "Which means you should be over Rory."

"You don't know what was going on."

That catches Jess of-guard and, against his better judgement, he asks, "What?"

"Never mind," Dean says smugly and Jess takes a step closer to him.

"Were you with her or something?"

"Not _with_ her...but I was the one she called to come pick her up, that night at the bar. You saw us."

He didn't see anything, Jess wants to retort, but the memory is alive in his mind. Rory was talking to Dean, standing close and a kind of intimate look between them. Jess knew it was there and a sick feeling starts to turn in his stomach.

"You were cheating with her?"

"No," Dean admits and Jess relaxes a little until Dean adds, "Not exactly."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means my marriage was over. If you hadn't shown up -"

"What?" Jess asks furiously. "You'd have slept with her, is that what you're getting at?"

"Hey, you like reading stories. You imagine what could have happened."

"I don't need to imagine," Jess says angrily. "She's not with you, she's with me. And you're still married, or pretending you are, whatever. Get over it, man. Move on. Rory has, I have."

"So then why is this getting to you so much?"

"Whatever," Jess says, shaking his head. Dean gives a kind of laugh and walks back down the street, sticking his hands in his pockets. Jess watches him for a moment before shaking himself, getting into the car and almost speeding out of Stars Hollow. The only thing Jess is grateful for is not running into Lorelai, whom he's positive is out for his blood. He'd imagined that being the worst outcome but Jess wonders if that would have been easier than the conversations he'd had.

Rory is reading a magazine when Jess gets back. She is lying on the bed and sits up, her skirt rumpled and ridden up. Usually that would be a turn-on but Jess is so mad from before he barely looks at her. He throws the keys on the counter and Rory asks, "Did you get what you needed?"

"Yep."

"How was the drive?"

"Fine," Jess says sarcastically. "The whole thing was fantastic."

"What happened?" Rory asks, getting up from the bed. She walks over and says, "Jess, tell me."

"Were you with him?" Jess demands. "Were you with Dean?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That night when I came and asked you to go with me, he was there, he was with you. Were you together?"

"No!" Rory exclaims but there's a kind of guilty look in her eyes and Jess demands, "Were you sleeping with him?"

"You know I wasn't sleeping with him!" Rory says furiously, taking a step back. "How can you ask me that? My first time was with you!"

Jess does know that. He nods, ashamed, but can't shake what he's thinking and when Rory asks, "Where's this coming from?" Jess tells her, "I ran into Dean. He said something was going on."

"Then he's lying!" Rory exclaims. "Nothing happened!"

"It looked like I interrupted something."

"You didn't," Rory insists but she looks away. "I was lonely, that's all. I'd had a bad night."

"He's married."

"You left!" Rory shouts, making him jump. "Remember, Jess? You left without a word a whole year ago and then you just told me you loved me, and left, again, and I had to deal with it and it was hard and Yale was hard and the whole _year_ was hard! So you don't get to judge me!"

"And I bet precious Dean never makes mistakes, right? Apart from getting married too young!"

"What does this have to do with anything?" Rory yells. Tears are starting in her eyes and she says, "You left me. You left me but I forgave you. I'm here with you. Nothing happened with him."

She doesn't sound sure on the last part but Jess is starting to feel like an ass. She's right, he left. They wouldn't even be having this fight if he'd stayed for her. Jess takes a deep breath and says, "I know. I'm sorry."

Rory sniffles, turning away and Jess says, "I am - I'm a jerk."

"No," she says, softening. "But why are you letting him get to you? Like you keep saying, he's married. And besides, I'm with you. I love you."

"I love you too."

Jess puts his arms around Rory and kisses her hard. She kisses him back, hesitantly and then enthusiastically and they move clumsily over to the bed, where they impatiently tug off their clothes. The sex is mostly silent yet charged with something and, although Jess holds her hand afterwards, Rory is staring in the opposite direction, her mind lost on some hidden thing.


	22. Chapter 22

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On Saturday Rory drives to see Lane. She's still tired from last night at work, her feet aching, but hasn't seen Lane in a while. The roads are mostly clear.

Rory parks the car, looking sadly at the scratch on it as she gets out. She's trying to save some cash for a repair but it's starting to feel like a Sisyphus deal. Quickly looking around in case Lorelai is near, Rory knocks on Lane's door. There's what sounds like a crash of a cymbal and Lane opens the door, flustered as she says, "Hey, Rory."

"Hey. Everything okay?"

"Zach and Brian tried moving my drumset."

"Oh no."

"To have more _space_," Lane says angrily. "Like we have any space in general!"

"I know the feeling." Rory follows her friend in and eagerly takes the can of cola offered. She resisted stopping at Weston's today.

"So tell me your news," Lane says, tucking her legs up on the couch. "How are things with Jess?"

"Things with Jess are good," Rory says, turning the can in her hands. "They're great. I actually, um, kind of decided something. I might not go back to Yale."

Rory takes a long drink of soda to avoid an immediate question and when she puts the can down Lane is staring at her.

"You're kidding. You'd drop out of school?"

"Not drop out exactly..I might just miss a semester."

"But why? I don't get it, Rory. You wanted it your whole life."

"I thought I did."

"I know you did," Lane corrects. "You worked so hard for it. That was why you did the whole Chilton thing."

"I know," Rory says uncomfortably. It feels like much longer than a year that she was there, a schoolgirl in plaid skirt and blazer, working on the school paper and writing speeches. It had seemed so important at the time and is already hazy in Rory's memory. "I just..."

"What?"

"Everything's different. I live with Jess now."

"He doesn't want you to go back? Because -"

"It's not that," Rory interrupts. "Jess hasn't said anything, it's me. I feel like my life has changed. I work as a waitress, I live in that apartment with him...it just seems weird to go back to being in a dorm and studying."

"It might be weird but you should still do it," Lane says. "I don't think you should quit school over a guy."

"It's not for him."

Rory takes another gulp of soda and Lane says, "What'll you do instead? Do you still want to be a journalist?"

"Maybe. But maybe I don't have to go to school right away...maybe I should travel, see some of the world before I write about it. It feels more real now, you know?"

Lane nods but seems unconvinced. Rory asks her about Hep Alien and conversation changes to band practice and mutual laughter over the grossness of living with guys. The girls share a snack of chips and cheese before Lane has to go to work.

"I'll say hi to Luke from you, if you want," she offers but Rory shakes her head.

"That's okay."

"He'd want to say hi," Lane protests. Rory looks down and her head snaps up as Lane adds, "Especially as he's dating Lorelai."

"What?"

"You know, since the test run at the inn and - oh..." Lane's voice trails off. "You didn't know?"

"It's fine." Rory tries to sound casual. It stings not having known her mother's news, especially as how not too long ago Rory knows she'd have been the first to hear. Now she's the last.

"I figured Lorelai would've told you but you guys are fighting and...I'm so stupid."

"No," Rory argues, looking into Lane's eyes. "You're definitely not stupid. We're just having a thing, that's all."

"Do you think you guys will make up?" Lane asks tentatively and when Rory shrugs she insists, "You have to. The universe is all out of order with you two not talking."

"She's so mad at me. She's so judgemental, Lane, she..."

Rory stops mid-rant at the look on Lane's face and feels the fight fall from her. "I'm mad at her," she says quietly. "But I miss her."

"I know you do, Rory. She misses you too."

"Right."

"She does! I can tell."

Rory nods, trying to smile. "Well. I should go, anyway. Thanks for having me over. You should come to my place sometime."

"I will," Lane promises and, as the friends hug, Rory thinks over Lorelai missing her. Maybe her mother does, but it doesn't help. Missing each other isn't enough to mend their fight.

Rory is going to drive straight back but her eye catches a sign in the window of Doose's for a deal on bread. Deciding to duck back out if Taylor is manning the register, Rory grabs a basket and quickly tosses some loaves in. She's just wrestling if she should pick up anything else she can spare when Rory's eye catches Dean and, without thinking, she puts the basket down and marches over.

"Hey."

"Hi," Dean says nervously. He glances around before looking back at Rory who demands, "What did you say to Jess?"

"He told you about that, I take it."

"You said there was something going on!" Rory exclaims. "There was _nothing_!"

Dean looks around again and says in a low voice, "This is where I work, Rory. I can't talk about it here."

"There's nothing to talk about!" Rory shouts. Some customers turn to look at them and Dean starts taking off his green apron, stuffing it into his pants pocket.

"I'm done for the day. If you want to talk about the _nothing_ that happened, we can do it at my house."

Rory almost tells Dean to forget it but is too incensed. She walks back with him to his house, so angry she doesn't even think to check that Lorelai isn't around, and silently waits for Dean to unlock the door.

"We can talk in here. Lindsay's out shopping with her mom."

"Really?" Rory echoes disinterestedly. The house is sort of Martha Stewart-y, new furniture in the living room and cross-stitches with cheerful messages hanging up on the walls. There is a large framed wedding photo of Lindsay and Dean in the corner and the embroidery wishing to 'bless this happy home' reads almost sarcastically to Rory. Everything is meticulously clean. She follows Dean into the kitchen who says, "Lindsay shops a lot. It's her favourite thing to do - she probably won't be home for hours."

Rory isn't sure if Dean expects a response to that. She stands at the other side of the small table, taking in the sight of the china ornaments decorating the shelves. Somehow the house doesn't seem lived in. Rory shakes her head at the offer of a drink, watches Dean take the apron from his pocket and throw it into the corner before asking angrily, "What were you doing talking to Jess?"

"I was making conversation."

"Making conversation? Conversation where you say we were together before he came to see me? That's not true, Dean!"

"Why did you call me?"

"What?"

"You called me," Dean repeats, moving around the table to her. "When you were stuck at the bar."

"I had your number, that's all."

"What about your mom?"

"Mom's busy."

Dean laughs, shaking his head. "And Lane? She was busy too, right?"

"Look, I just figured you wouldn't mind picking me up," Rory says, feeling her cheeks warm. "We'd been hanging out. I thought we were friends."

"Right. That's all we were."

"It is all we were!" Rory exclaims, her voice rising. "What about Lindsay?"

"If Jess hadn't shown up I was going to tell you it was over with her. You know it was."

"It doesn't matter," Rory says staunchly. "You got married and -"

"I don't care!" Dean shouts, bringing his hand down onto the table with a slap. "I wish I'd never gotten married! It was stupid, I figured that out pretty soon. I thought I wanted that but I don't. No one tells you how marriage becomes your whole life. I missed you - I do miss you, Rory. And I thought there was still something between us. Call me crazy, but I thought maybe you were going to ask me in or something after I walked you back."

Rory stares at him and Dean demands, "Well? Am I?"

"It would have been wrong," Rory says eventually. "It would have been stupid. And Dean - you're still married! You tell me it's over and you're still in this _happy home _with Lindsay!"

Dean snorts and Rory goes on, "Maybe I did feel something, but I'm with Jess now. I live with him, I love him."

"The guy who left you?"

"He came back. We're making it work."

Dean gives another snort and over Rory's glare he says, "So what? You're going to come back to Yale in the fall while he loafs around New York?"

"No."

"No?"

"I'm taking some time off," Rory says. "I'm not sure if Yale's right for me anymore."

Dean stares at her and then shakes his head. "No. No way. After the hard time you gave me to do more and for dropping out to work instead, you're telling me you're quitting school?"

"I know I was kind of judgemental -"

"Kind of?" Dean shakes his head again and then says, "You wanted me to get an education. And now you're saying you're not finishing college because that jerk is back in town?"

"He's not a jerk!"

"Maybe it would have been a mistake, you and me," Dean says, looking at her. "But I'd never ask that of you."

"Jess didn't ask me!" Rory shouts. "I decided! You know what, Dean? I'm glad I left! Everyone in this town acts like I have no mind of my own, like I just do anything he wants and don't think for myself! You just think I'm helpless and need protecting!"

"And you act like you can save him from whatever stupid path he's going down."

"You don't know anything about Jess. Or us."

"He doesn't treat you right," Dean says. "I would treat you right." His voice is gentle and he steps towards Rory, a soft look in his eyes, the look Rory remembers from the night he took her home. Yes, she thinks. She would have kissed him, maybe more, she knows he loves her. She can't pretend he doesn't, but Rory also knows it's over, whatever it may have been. Dean is simply Dean to her now. Rory walks back, putting the table between them.

"Jess does treat me right," she says. "I'm happy with him."

Dean stops, sighing and stares at Rory. The soft look has gone.

"Why do you want a guy like him?"

"What does that mean?"

"He's got no plan for anything."

"You don't need a plan all the time," Rory says. "And Jess is good - we both are."

Dean gives a sort of nod.

"Are you going to stay married?" Rory asks. "If you think it's over..."

"I don't know what I'd do if I left."

"Dean -"

"Look, it's fine. Lindsay will be home soon," he says abruptly. "You should leave."

Rory doesn't remark on her supposedly being gone for hours before. She doesn't want to think about what Dean had in mind if their conversation had gone a different way. Silently, she picks up her purse and walks out of the house, turning to look in farewell. Dean is watching in the doorway, his strong stability starting to break.


	23. Chapter 23

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Jess looks up as the door opens. Rory comes in, her expression slightly taut.

"Hey."

"Hi," Jess says, putting his notebook down. "How was Lane?"

"Fine." Rory pauses, going over to the bed and sitting down. "I talked to Dean."

"You did?" Jess tries to sound neutral. "And?"

"And...and I told him nothing was ever going to happen."

Rory is looking earnestly into his eyes but Jess can't help asking, "If I hadn't shown up, would you have been with him?"

Rory drops her gaze and says quietly, "I don't know. Maybe."

_Maybe_. Jess knew it. He loathed how Dean made out to be the good guy of Stars Hollow, telling Jess with a smirk he and Rory were just _friends_. Like hell. Jess saw through his act even if no one else could. And now he's ready to cheat on his wife! Jess is quiet, waiting, and Rory lets out a long breath.

"I know he's married...I know it would have been wrong. But I wasn't thinking, that night he walked me home." She stares into space for a moment and then looks back at Jess. "Whatever it was, it's done. I swear."

"I know," Jess says and he smiles to show he believes her. "Come here."

Rory moves over to him and sighs into Jess's kiss. She still seems as tense as he feels, even after they've pulled off each other's clothes and he's pushed inside her, kissing her breasts and moving his hips to hers. Their rhythm isn't as uncertain now, their bodies are known. Before, when they made love, it was more off-balance as they moved. When they slip apart Rory lies on the pillow and looks over at Jess.

"I love you."

"I know," Jess says quietly. Rory's eyes are sad so Jess leans over to kiss her, and rests his head on her shoulder. "I love you too," he promises and finally Rory smiles. She takes his hand and they lie still until the daylight deepens and Jess has to get up for work.

"We're cutting your shift."

Jess stares in disbelief at the restaurant manager and dumbly says, "What?"

"Summer rush is over."

"The summer _rush_?" Jess echoes furiously. "People eat all year round!"

"Point is, numbers are down. I don't need to pay two people."

Jess exhales, trying to even his tone. "You got any other shifts?"

The manager hesitates and Jess resists the urge to beg. He only half-succeeds as he desperately says, "Please."

If Jess loses this job he's screwed. The rent isn't high but it's not as if he and Rory have a lot to spare and Jess really, really needs that money.

"How about this," the manager finally says. "You can start an hour earlier but leave two hours earlier you do now."

"Okay," Jess says automatically. "Sure."

"And don't take this as a permanent thing," the manager warns and Jess swallows the urge to snort.

"No. Thanks."

Jess is in a bad mood, snapping at Brad all through work and the thoughts spin in his mind as he walks home. He's lost an hour's pay. At least he hasn't lost the job, Jess guesses, but this is still bad. The pressure of his thoughts combined with the heat of the night have created a hell of a headache to go with it.

Jess climbs the stairs to the apartment, pinching his nose. The heat has really brought out the stench of urine soaked in. Eyes watering, Jess opens the door to see Rory lying on the bed with a book in her hands. She puts it down as he comes in, concern filling her eyes.

"What happened?"

"I almost lost my job."

"What?" Rory exclaims and Jess hastily adds, "It's okay, I still have it. But I'm down by an hour and seriously, I don't know how long that'll even last."

"Can you try talking to the manager?"

"That _was_ me talking to the manager. Guy's not exactly generous."

Rory bites her lip. "I'll have to get more hours at the cafe."

"Do they have any?"

"I'll ask, I guess."

Jess kicks off his shoes. All he can think about is a shower. He had one before work but Jess wants another one - a decent shower, with real water pressure and no cracks in the tiles. Then he wants a hot meal and a to watch a movie and go to sleep without worrying. Jess thinks back to living at the diner, finishing a slice of pie some customer didn't want before going to bed. Luke usually went to bed ridiculously early, before Jess most nights, but sometimes he'd stay up, working on accounts. Luke would mumble to himself in an annoying fashion, scribbling away as Jess eventually fell asleep. It was stifling yet secure, and Jess misses that right now. He tries to channel his frustration into making dinner and swears as his knife nicks the edge of his finger.

"Are you okay?" Rory asks anxious and Jess says irritably, "I'm fine."

"Did you cut yourself?"

"I said I'm fine."

Rory nods and Jess closes his eyes. "Sorry...I'm just..."

"I know," Rory says gently. She walks over to Jess, taking the uninjured hand and squeezes it. Jess squeezes her hand back, pushing away the rest of his thoughts. He badly wants to pick up the phone and call Luke, have him fix it. That's what Luke does. But if Jess does so, it would be giving in. It would be admitting that he can't do it, look after himself and Rory and that Luke and Lorelai have a right to be as mad as they are. Screw them! And what's their solution going to be? Jess doesn't need their help. He's not going to prove them right - he and Rory can figure this out on their own. Jess takes a steadying breath, letting Rory anchor his thoughts.

"Hey, we don't have to stay here."

"What?"

"Maybe we could travel...see more of the country."

Does Rory know how crazy that sounds? Jess loves the spontaneous side she has hidden but can't believe she's serious.

"How could we do that?"

"You did it last year!"

"With what money?" Jess demands. "It was different last year!"

"Because I'd be there? We could figure it out. Come on, why not?"

"It wouldn't work," Jess says stubbornly and turns around as Rory argues, "But you want to. In your notebook -"

"In my _notebook?"_

"It fell off the bed and I picked it up. I just wanted to see what it was - I didn't read a lot, I promise."

Rory sounds cautious and Jess nods. The notebook isn't private, exactly, but he doesn't feel like sharing it either. He settles on saying, "I'm just writing random stuff...it's not secret or anything."

"But it's great, I mean it," Rory says eagerly. "You could write more like that and maybe turn it into a book. We could travel and write about what we see."

Jess snorts, feeling his bad mood return and Rory looks hurt. "What?"

"I'm not you. I'm not looking to become a correspondent."

"Then become something else," Rory argues. "You're smart enough."

"No," Jess says angrily. "You know what I'm smart enough to know? We can't just go on a roadtrip together. We don't have any money! What, are we going to sleep in my car every night? Or take yours?"

"I could sell mine," Rory says quietly. "Then we'd have money."

"And who's going to buy it with that scratch on it?"

Rory drops Jess's hand, hurt filling her eyes. Silently, she turns and walks back to the bed and Jess screws up his eyes. It makes his headache worse, which he welcomes.

"I'm sorry," he says, sitting down beside her. "I was being an ass."

Rory shrugs and Jess says tightly, "I'm worried about money. When I left, last year, I only had to worry about me. And I had money to start with."

"I know," Rory says quietly. "But Jess...even if this roadtrip is a stupid plan, what about the other stuff I said? Your writing is really good. Why don't you do something with it?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know. You could write something, I know you could. Maybe you could enrol on a course or -"

"I don't think so."

"But you can write," Rory insists, looking up. "Jess, you're so impulsive. Why are you afraid to take a risk with this?"

Jess looks at her but stays silent. He doesn't know what to say, so settles for, "Rory, you're the smart one. I wish you'd go back to school...finish what you started."

"You're smart too," Rory counters. "And Jess...it's all different now."

They lie down, picking up their books. Jess can't concentrate and it seems Rory can't either, as she kisses Jess's cheek and puts her book down earlier than usual. Jess hears her breathing deepen into sleep but his hand throbs, along with his thoughts. Jess stares at the ceiling and stays awake long into the night, ruminating over Rory's words. Yes - everything is different.


	24. Chapter 24

**Thanks for the feedback!**

On Saturday, after her shift, Rory lingers, watching Maya clean a table. Rory twirls a dishcloth in her hand, hesitating, until finally Maya looks up and asks, "What?"

"Um, I was wondering if you had any extra shifts. Maybe a couple of hours...nothing big." Maya raises an eyebrow and Rory quickly adds, "Or more, I don't mind."

"Huh. Never picked you as a lifer."

"Excuse me?" Rory asks, lost, and Maya sighs.

"You wanted this as a summer gig. Frankly, I thought that might be a little much for you but that made sense. Never imagined you staying longer."

"I just want some more hours."

"But are you staying longer?"

"Maybe," Rory says slowly. "I'm not sure."

Maya nods and then says, "Can I ask why? I don't know why you're in New York and frankly, I never cared that much, but call me curious. You're definitely not from the city."

Rory stares at the dishcloth balled up in her hands before glancing back up. "I grew up in Stars Hollow...it's near Hartford."

"I know that place," Maya says. "Cindy, one of many who used to work here, drove through it a couple of times. Said it was like if cotton candy was made into a town."

Rory laughs at that. "Sounds about right."

"So you left," Maya prompts and Rory nods. "Just wanted to see the big city?"

"No...I go to college in New Haven. I go to Yale."

"Knew you were a college chick. Explains why you talk like you're from a book the whole time, not that I'm the biggest reader."

"I guess," Rory says awkwardly. "I came here for summer with my boyfriend."

"I knew it," Maya says, slapping her hand on the greasy table. "Didn't get the impression you were here on some independent thing. Who's the guy?"

"He's the nephew of this guy who runs a diner back in Stars Hollow...he lived there for a while."

"So you kids thought you'd check out New York?"

"Jess already checked it out. He grew up here - he lived here before he moved to Stars Hollow. We broke up last year and then I came here with him for summer."

Maya is staring, hand on hip, and Rory shifts uncomfortably. She waits but Maya stays silent, so Rory adds, "Anyway, some of his hours where he works got cut so I wondered if you had any more I could take."

"What about Yale?"

"I might take some time off...I don't know."

"Are you kidding me?"

Rory blinks, caught off-guard. She expected that reaction from her mother, even from her friends, but not her boss. Rory never figured Maya would even have an opinion.

"It just feels weird heading back to school," she tries to explain. "I've lived here now, I've lived a whole other life."

"One summer is not your life."

"I know - that's not what I meant."

"Listen up," Maya says, dropping the cleaning rag on the table for emphasis. "You're still basically a kid. This city can be a mean, hard place and I'm not saying that to be an ass, which I know I like to be. I'm saying this because you have a chance. I never gave much of a crap about school and none of the teachers exactly inspired hope either. We all knew none of us were going anywhere and I dropped out as soon as I could. But someone gave enough of a damn to push you to go to Yale, plus you're obviously smart. You have a real education. Don't throw out a future for a guy."

"I'm not throwing it out for him," Rory says, stung. "He never asked me to leave - in fact, he wants me to finish school."

"So you've got a smart one too. Why the hell not?"

"I just - I want to know what else there is," Rory says helplessly. "My whole life has felt planned. I don't mean I'd never go back, but it doesn't feel like the right time to be in school. Maybe I'll travel, see the country. I just...I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to be a certain way."

Maya gives her a long look.

"I'll give you a few hours on Fridays," she says finally. "Because I know you need the money and by now you're just about competent. But I mean what I said Rory...pay attention, because this is probably the only time I'm going to spout some wisdom or whatever. Don't let yourself get ready for work and see that you've ended up staying here another ten years. I thought I'd see everything once and got as far as Pennsylvania when I ran out of cash, and I won't tell you how I earned enough to go home. But back I went and ended up here, and this place turned into my whole future."

Rory doesn't know what to say. She slowly unknots her apron and says, "Thanks."

"Sure," Maya says, sounding a little awkward too. Rory focuses on picking up her things and then adds, "Maybe we'll take a roadtrip, my boyfriend and I."

Maya snorts, making Rory frown and says, "You know there's more guys, Rory. More guys, more sex...don't tie it all to your first."

"Maybe I want to."

"Maybe you will," Maya agrees. "But don't assume it. Never assume anything, kid."

"Thanks for the extra hours," Rory says. Maya nods, turning back to cleaning the table as Rory slowly walks back to the apartment.

Jess has left early for work and Rory makes herself a sandwich, careful not to take more than two tomatoes. Her stomach is still growling but Rory ignores it, instead taking a shower and tidying up the small mess in the bedroom. She guesses she could get ready for bed but it's ridiculously early. Usually after work Rory is so exhausted that lying down is all she can think of but right now she's wired, as if she drank a triple strength espresso. Rory paces around the apartment, yearning to do something, though unsure what. Restlessly, she goes back into the kitchen to make some coffee and, as Rory picks up the bag, her mind wanders to Lorelai. Rory pictures what she's doing now - probably watching a movie or maybe working, as the Dragonfly is presumably hectic right now. Rory doesn't want to think about her mother but her brain refuses to budge. Lorelai is probably drinking coffee too, wherever she is. Maybe she's with Luke, her new boyfriend. It still hurts knowing she never told Rory about it. Rory feels angry mixed in with sad and finally she gives up on making the drink. Any desire for it has gone. It hurts thinking of her mother and it hurts thinking of Luke too, knowing he's in a fight with Jess.

Without thinking, Rory grabs her car keys. Scribbling a quick note to Jess she picks up her purse and runs down the unpleasantly scented steps, out into the hot night and into her even hotter car. Rory keys the engine and drives straight back to Stars Hollow, not bothering with music which is usually impossible. It's a still night, a steady drive, and soon Rory is pulling up outside the diner and slowing to a halt.

Once she's parked Rory lets herself release a breath. Is this a stupid idea? Very possibly. A glance across the road shows that Luke has just closed up and is wiping down the counter. Her mother is nowhere to be seen.

Before her bravery disappears, Rory quickly crosses the road and tries the door. It's unlocked despite being closed and Luke looks up.

"We're not -" he starts to say and then stops when he sees Rory. Slowly, he puts the rag down and straightens up.

"Hi Rory," he says quietly and Rory tries to smile.

"Hey."

"Sit down," Luke says after a pause and Rory pulls out one of the stools. Without asking, Luke makes her a cup of coffee and passes her a slice of apple pie.

"On the house."

"Thanks," Rory says gratefully. For a moment she eats and drinks, too hungry to feel self-conscious, until she brushes away the crumbs and looks up. Luke is looking at her with a concerned air and Rory takes a deep breath.

"How's...things?"

"I'm fine," Luke tells her. "And your mom, she's fine too."

"You're still dating?"

Luke looks surprised that she knows but simply nods. "We are."

"Good," Rory says, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I'm happy for you."

"Rory -"

"Luke, I'm sorry," Rory says in a rush. "I'm not sorry that I went with Jess but I'm sorry you're fighting with him. Don't be mad at Jess - please, don't be mad. I can't stand it. I can't stand you being upset with us."

"I'm not upset with you," Luke says gently. "I couldn't be mad at you, Rory."

"But you're mad at Jess," Rory points out and Luke falls silent. "Don't be - please. I wanted to go with him."

Luke stares at the counter and Rory goes on, "Luke, he misses you. Don't you miss him?"

"Of course I miss him," Luke says gruffly. "He's my nephew. He's a little punk but I got to be fond of the kid. But he shouldn't have asked you to - you're too young for this."

"Why is it his fault more than mine? Neither of us are kids."

Luke lets out a kind of laugh and as Rory frowns he says, "I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you,I just - you're very young."

"I'm not going around Stars Hollow in angel wings anymore."

"That's not what I meant. I just mean you're young. You should be thinking about the future."

"I feel like I've thought about the future since I was a little kid," Rory says quietly. "Mom would...never mind. I just thought maybe she'd understand."

"Your mom wants the best for you," Luke says, looking into Rory's eyes. "You're her kid. You're so smart - you'd always spread your books all over the tables in here - and you could do anything. And it hurts her that you're living in New York instead of finishing college."

"I'm not saying I'll never go back...I just want to see what else there is."

Luke nods in a non-committal way and Rory asks curiously, "Did you ever want to go to college?"

"I couldn't go. My mom died and I had to help my dad with the store. And then he died not too long after that."

"But if you could?"

"No," Luke admits. "I never wanted to. I've never talked about this much with anyone, but I was glad I could blame it on my parents, not wanting to go. It was hard, even before they died, but I knew I belonged here. I love this town, Rory, and all I wanted to do was stay here and make something of my own. And I don't regret it. But you and Jess...you've always had that curiosity about what else there is. I knew neither of you would stay here. I knew you'd go to Yale and Jess...I didn't know where the hell he was going, I just knew he'd never stay."

Rory looks at Luke for a moment and says, "Do you think he's smart?"

"Jess is too smart for his own good."

"Luke."

Luke lets out a sharp sigh. "Yes, I think he's smart, God knows where he gets it from. That's what drives me so crazy. He's such a smart kid and he won't put in any effort in. Instead, he drops out of high school, goes to see the bum who abandoned him, takes some Kerouac trip and loafs around New York with his girlfriend!"

Rory bites her lip and Luke coughs, sounding embarrassed.

"I wanted more for Jess, that's all," he says. "He could do more, if he tried."

"I know," Rory says quietly. She's thinking of telling Luke about Jess's notebook when Luke interrupts her thoughts.

"I know you're not a little kid now, though I still have trouble remembering you're not. But I mean it when I say you're young...it seems a lifetime ago that I was twenty. I wasn't half as grown-up as I thought."

Rory can't picture Luke as her age, or as a kid at all. In her mind he has always stood behind the counter in his uniform of flannel. To think of Luke as any younger seems insane, and Rory is shaken from her efforts as Luke leans forward.

"Your mom misses the hell out of you," he says seriously. "That's why she's so mad, Rory, it's because she loves you so much. She wants you go to and accomplish everything she knows you can. You should be doing more than staying in New York. You both should - you and Jess."

Rory concentrates on swallowing the last dreg of her coffee. Some apple from the pie got caught on the cup and for a moment she focuses on the unexpected sweetness.

"Are you happy with Mom?" she asks and Luke nods.

"I'm glad she's happy," she says. "I knew she'd be happy with you." _Happier than she could ever be with Dad_, Rory silently adds.

"Thanks, Rory," Luke says, sounding touched. "I'll tell her you stopped by. Unless you don't want me to."

Rory shrugs and Luke adds, "Maybe you should talk to her."

"Maybe," Rory says quietly. "I should go."

"You can stay, if you want," Luke offers. "I'll stay at your mom's."

"No - I'm fine. I'm good to drive."

Luke nods and, as Rory gathers her things, she says suddenly, "Please talk to Jess. I know he misses you too."

"Will you talk to Lorelai?" Luke asks seriously and Rory hesitates.

"Maybe."

"Good enough for me," Luke says. He gives Rory a small smile and, impulsively, Rory says, "Do you know Jess has a notebook?"

"A notebook?"

"Filled with really great writing. He could do anything too."

"I know he could," Luke says, sounding sad as Rory goes to the door. "I'm sure."


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the feedback!**

"Luke misses you."

Jess looks up abruptly. He's barely woken up, the morning light streaming through the window and Rory is looking at him with a solemn expression.

"How do you know he misses me?"

"Because he told me so. I hate that you guys are fighting over this."

"It's how it is."

"It doesn't have to be," Rory says firmly and, as Jess sighs, she leans over and says, "You should go talk to him."

"Why me?"

"Because Luke doesn't think there's any point coming here. He didn't say that but it was pretty clear."

"Maybe he's right," Jess says but falls silent as Rory retorts, "No, he's not. You know he's not. Jess, I think if you talked to Luke you could make up. He's your uncle."

"And say what?" Jess demands after a pause. "It's not like anything's changed. He'll yell at me for being here with you, for you taking a break from Yale. He blames me for everything."

"Just try," Rory says earnestly. "Please, Jess."

Her eyes are so hopeful that Jess finds himself nodding. "Okay. I'll talk to him."

"Thank you," Rory says, sighing with relief and smiles as Jess adds, "It probably won't do any good."

"At least you'd have tried."

Jess can't argue with that. He sits up, stretching, and asks, "What about you, Rory? Are you going to talk to Lorelai?"

Rory's firmness deflates as she shrugs. "Maybe."

Jess looks at her but she doesn't say anything else. He thinks about pushing more, reminding Rory of everything she just said to him. Jess can tell how sad she is. But Rory sits up as well, swinging her legs out of bed and says, "I'm going to make us some coffee."

That night, after work, Jess decides to drive to see Luke. No time like the present, right? He can see how it'll go already - mutual yelling and a side of bitterness - but at least then he can tell Rory he gave it a shot. Plus if he goes now, Jess won't spend days overthinking what to say. He puts on one of his more presentable shirts along with some jeans before starting up his rusty car. It groans into life, allowing Jess to coax it onto the road and slowly out of the city. Jess holds his breath the whole way, stupidly afraid that if he relaxes it'll stall, but the car makes it to Stars Hollow relatively smoothly. Jess has just cut the engine and got out when he almost bumps headfirst into Lorelai. They stare, stunned, and Jess curses himself. He was so frantic about the car that he neglected to think about who he might run into.

"You," Lorelai says and Jess doesn't think she'd find it witty if he says _me_. He braces himself, waiting for the yelling and teardown, but Lorelai just asks, "What are you doing here?"

Jess shrugs. "Not much."

"Rory's not with you?" Lorelai asks, looking around and Jess shakes his head.

"She's working."

Lorelai nods, falling silent again. She has an awful expression but isn't saying anything and Jess wishes she would. It would be better for her just to yell and storm off rather than stare at him like this. Finally she says, "I want to say some stuff to you."

Without elaborating she turns and starts walking back down the street and, after waiting for a moment, Jess follows her. She walks back down the street and around a corner and Jess figures they're heading back to her house. Upon reaching it, he swallows, wondering if this is such a smart idea, but then Lorelai is opening the door and Jess walks in behind her, slowly closing the door. Lorelai dumps her keys on the counter and goes over to the refrigerator, getting out two cans.

"Soda?" she offers and Jess accepts it, feeling furtive. Lorelai sits at the table and Jess sinks down opposite her, slowly opening the can. Suddenly he remembers the time she gave him the soda with the lemon in it, back when he cleared her raingutters. Jess hadn't even wanted the drink but he took it to make Rory happy. That day feels like fifty years ago. Jess takes a gulp of soda, trying not to cough. It's bizarre being back in the Gilmore house. When was he last here? A year ago, maybe more? He and Rory would always go to Luke's. He wants to go and glance inside Rory's room, just to see it, but somehow doubts Lorelai would be receptive to that suggestion.

Jess sips some more, waiting, and finally Lorelai says, "Is Rory okay?"

"Rory's fine."

"She wants to quit school," Lorelai says, her eyes flashing. "That's not okay."

_Here it comes_. Lorelai stares at Jess furiously and says, "When she told me she was going with you I wanted to kill you. It was going to involve hedgeclippers - dull ones."

"I'm honoured."

"Glad to hear it," Lorelai snaps. "Why did you do it? Why did you ask her to go?"

"I love her," Jess says quietly. "I wanted to be with her."

Lorelai sits up, seeming surprised that Jess's response isn't laced with sarcasm, but her voice is just as angry as she says, "If you love her you shouldn't have left. Do you know how devastated she was last year? Rory hardly kept it together. She did because she's Rory, she always does, but I could see how hurt she was. You made her miss her prom. And do you want to know what I told her?"

Jess has a feeling he'll hear either way and is proved right as Lorelai ploughs on, "I told her you were just a guy. That every girl has a boyfriend like you but it's not forever. She had her whole life ahead of her and she did. And then you came back."

"So if I hadn't come back she'd be happy, right?"

"If you hadn't come back she'd be getting ready for her next year of Yale. She wouldn't be mixed up and confused like this."

Jess can't help snorting and Lorelai narrows her eyes.

"Tell me Jess, what's so funny about that? I know it's all big joke to you -"

"It is not a joke to me," Jess says loudly. Lorelai stares, surprised and Jess takes a breath.

"It was never a joke to me," he says seriously. "Never."

"You broke Rory's heart."

"I know," Jess says quietly. "But I still loved her. I asked her to go because I love her."

Jess looks up to see Lorelai still staring at him. She seems as uncomfortable as he does; this is off-script for them. Most interactions have been of the shouting and sarcastic variety and neither pretend anything else. Jess can only think of one conversation where they weren't mad or forcedly polite, and that again was when he came over to clean the gutters. He took the weird soda and the lunch, both for Rory's sake, and tried to make conversation and to his surprise almost ended up enjoying it. He and Lorelai had actually smiled, or practically had. It had been going cautiously well until Rory came home frantic over her bracelet and then he and Lorelai were back at square one again.

"If you love her tell her to go back to school,"Lorelai says finally and Jess tightens his grip around the soda can, welcoming the metallic cool.

"It's her choice."

"She wouldn't be in this predicament if you hadn't asked her to leave!" Lorelai exclaims and Jess bites back his urge to retort, _You know what else she'd be doing? Screwing Dean!_

"I didn't ask her to quit school," Jess says instead. "Rory just decided it. She said her life feels too planned."

Lorelai lets out a snort but it sounds closer to a sob. "She said that?"

Jess bites his lip. Lorelai looks ready to burst int tears and Jess shifts uncomfortably, wishing she'd just tell him she hated him instead. He gulps the rest of his soda for something to do.

"I think she's mixed up," Jess says carefully and Lorelai angrily rubs her eyes.

"I can guess why that is."

"I forgot that everything going wrong in Rory's life is my fault," Jess remarks recklessly and Lorelai's eyes narrow. Now they're back to their usual pattern.

"You bail on her, tell her you love her, bail again and then ask her to run away with you and live in some squalid apartment. You're not winning any prizes here, Jess."

"Rory wanted to go," Jess retorts. "She wouldn't have gone if she didn't want to."

Lorelai glares at him and Jess thinks back to when they were together the first time, before that, how it was all his fault in Lorelai's eyes, any impulsiveness on Rory's part, any mistake she made. She probably wishes Jess had never set foot in Stars Hollow and Rory could stay frozen at sixteen forever. Lorelai thinks Jess corrupted Rory, he knows. Silently Jess wonders what her reaction would be to knowing perfect Dean was ready to cheat with her. Probably Lorelai wouldn't believe him - everyone has a blind spot when it comes to Dean.

"Rory isn't smart about everything," Lorelai says eventually. "Especially not when it comes to you."

"Gee, thanks."

"I tried cutting you slack when you came," Lorelai starts to say but without thinking Jess exclaims, "Oh, please!"

"Oh please what?"

"You hated me since I got here!"

"No, I tried to give you a chance," Lorelai says angrily. "I was friendly to you, I invited you to dinner and you took a beer from my fridge and I didn't even bust you for it. Remember that? I told you that this place could be great if you gave it a chance and Luke was a great guy and you had the charm to inform me I was naive, ask if I was sleeping with him and told me to Doctor Laura someone else. Funnily enough, I didn't feel quite as cheery around you after that."

Jess stares down at the now-empty can. What was he supposed to say? He remembers that night too, vividly. This lady he'd never met saying all this junk, or what sounded like it to him, about how thankful he should be. Thankful! His mother had just dumped him in some terrifying social experiment with some uncle he barely knew, away from his entire life, and Jess was supposed to feel happy about that? And Lorelai's earnestness had reminded Jess of Liz, that stupid look she'd get when she was seeing someone new. Jess could read Lorelai as clearly as a book - she was so into his uncle it was embarrassing. Admittedly, Jess feels embarrassed looking back at how he spoke to her - he knows he was kind of an ass - but he couldn't stand feeling so spoken down to. But he could see the grudge radiating through her after that and didn't want to give her the pleasure of an apology. Lorelai would probably have just laughed.

"But it wasn't just that," Lorelai says, breaking Jess from his thoughts. "And I don't mean your daily black cloud of Holden Caulfield cheer. There was the time you got my daughter into a car wreck, the time you stole her bracelet, the time you got her to go to New York and miss school and my graduation and all the general hell you put Luke through every day, when all he tried to do was help you."

"I didn't ask for his help," Jess can't help saying and Lorelai snaps, "But you needed it. You're so mad at the world, mad at your life but you're not doing anything to make it better. And when people try and help you push them away!"

Jess feels his stomach clench. He was ready to argue - ready to counter that the crash and Rory missing school weren't his fault - but the last part has caught him unexpectedly. He knows he needed Luke's help, back then, and Jess misses it now, but he can't say it. He just stares at Lorelai wordlessly and she says, "What, no quip?"

"I'm trying," Jess says roughly. "I don't care if you hate me but I love Rory and I'm trying. I'm not going to hurt her."

"You already hurt her," Lorelai says quietly. "You hurt her when you left."

"I won't now."

"And I'm supposed to just believe that? Even before you were together you were making trouble for her and Dean. Did you ever tell her you took her bracelet?"

Jess doesn't respond. He stirred things up for Rory and Dean, he'll admit that, but taking the bracelet wasn't part of it. Jess took it because it was Rory's and he wanted something of hers, something to make him think of her. He never knew Dean made it for her. When Lorelai called him on it Jess was hardly going to tell her that. Instead he reminded her that Rory hadn't noticed it was missing and Lorelai got mad because it was true.

"I know I've screwed up some stuff," Jess says. "But I'm not going to mess this up, I swear. I just want to be with Rory."

Lorelai looks at him for a long moment and says, "Part of me wants to just hate you and honestly, most of the time that's pretty easy."

"Shocker."

"Let me finish. I know you love her, Jess. I know that's not just a line. And I believe you when you say you're trying, but I worry. I'm her mom. She has her whole life ahead of her and you have a habit of shaking it up."

"She can think for herself."

"I know she can - but she's more reckless with you. And do you know how many times I've pictured her coming home and telling me she's pregnant?"

"She's not pregnant," Jess says quickly and Lorelai sighs.

"But she's with you and I'm guessing it's not chaste."

Jess doesn't think anything he'll say would be a good answer so settles for nothing and Lorelai says, "I'm not naive, Jess, despite what you said that time. She told me she was thinking about it with you, last year, and I got as used to that idea as much as I could. But then you left and she moved on, and I did too, and now you're back in her life and she's living with you and it's all happened so fast, and I'm fighting with her. I lost Rory."

"You didn't lose Rory," Jess says boldly and Lorelai raises her eyebrows.

"We've barely spoken all summer."

"She misses you."

"Doesn't seem like it."

"She does," Jess promises, and is suddenly aware of Rory's words about Luke to him. "She didn't want to hurt you."

"She did," Lorelai says quietly. "And maybe I hurt her but I'm scared for her."

She looks away, pretending there's something in her eye, and Jess squeezes the can in his hand until it crumples. He doesn't know what the hell to say.

"She's so young," Lorelai says eventually. "I just want what's best for her."

"I know," Jess says quietly. Rory is lucky for someone to love her so much, he thinks. Jess was always a little jealous of Rory for that, having a mom like Lorelai. He had Liz who fell apart and sent him to Luke and Rory had Lorelai who pulled it together for her. Not that he's going to tell Lorelai that. Instead, Jess pushes his chair back slightly and says, "I was going to talk to Luke..."

"Right," Lorelai says, shaking herself and smiling when Jess says, "You're dating him now, I hear."

"That's right," Lorelai says. She sounds almost shy, a way Jess has never seen her before. "It's good."

Jess nods, giving her a real smile but it fades as Lorelai says, "Jess - I just don't want Rory to regret this."

Jess looks up, hesitates and finally says, "I know you don't like her being reckless with me, but that's Rory too. Sometimes she has that in her, and it's not because of me."

He looks at Lorelai cautiously and she surprises him by saying, "Of course I know that, Jess. She's my daughter. Why do you think I'm so nervous?"

Lorelai walks with Jess to the door and watches as he leaves. She starts to say, "Tell Rory I - never mind," but Jess thinks he knows what she wanted to say. He just gives a kind of nod and heads down the street.

The diner is closed now but Jess can see Luke working on some accounts through the glass. Slowly, he reaches up to where the spare key is kept and opens the door, making Luke jump.

"Jess - jeez, what the hell! You knock on a locked door, you don't open it!"

"I figured the key was still there."

"That's not the point," Luke scolds. Uncle and nephew take each other in for a moment, their fight from before hanging between them. Silently, Luke slices Jess a piece of pie and Jess nods in thanks as he takes it. Luke gives him gruff smile and Jess relaxes as he eats. It feels okay between them. Luke takes the empty plate as Jess says, "I just talked to Lorelai."

"Seriously?" Luke asks doubtfully. "Well, you're still in one piece."

"Surprised me too."

"What did she talk you about?"

"You can guess," Jess says, settling onto a stool. "How I was the resident jerk of Stars Hollow, messed everything up for Rory. She blames me for it all."

Luke sighs and Jess says, "It wasn't my fault."

To his horror, out of nowhere tears are starting in his eyes and before he can duck his gaze Luke is around the counter putting an arm around him.

"Jess! Hey, it's okay."

"I made sure she was okay," Jess says roughly. "That time in the car. And I never asked her to miss school. I know I've hurt her, I messed up, but..."

"I know. I know. It's alright."

"I came back to tell her," Jess says and as Luke hugs him Jess lets him believe it's his whole thought. He doesn't tell Luke he left because he wasn't good enough for Rory, that he was too scared to try. He was scared she'd judge him. Jess let that whole fear push him away from her.

"I'm sorry," Jess says and Luke pats his back, looking into Jess's eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry too."

Jess lets Luke hug him. They are silent for a moment before Luke steps back and gently, "Jess, Lorelai doesn't hate you."

"She told me she didn't."

"Really?" Luke says in surprise. "Huh. You know, when you first arrived in Stars Hollow you kind of reminded me of Lorelai."

"Did a bag of potatoes fall on your head before I came in here?"

"I'm serious, wise guy. You both have that quick wit thing going, you're both way too proud and you're both very independent. But when either of you get mad you build a wall."

Jess stares and finally says, "You been reading that self-help book again?"

"See what I mean? There's that wit. But hey, that book helped me. Didn't it help you?"

"I guess," Jess allows and Luke nods.

"I still wish you hadn't asked Rory to go though. You're so young."

"That's everyone's favourite description of us. I'd rather be young and do something than be too scared of doing anything. How long did it take you and Lorelai?"

"Hey!"

"Just saying!" Jess protests and Luke shakes his head.

"There's ways about it, Jess! And I mean it - you're young. You're brave enough to try something with Rory, why not try it with other things? You're so smart. Rory told me how you've been writing. Why -?"

"Rory told you what?" Jess interrupts. He sits up and Luke frowns as he says, "She just told me you've been writing in a notebook and it's great. I'm sure she's a better judge than me. Why don't you try school again?"

"I've got to go," Jess says abruptly, getting up and as Luke protests, "Jess!" he exclaims,

"I'm leaving. Just because I'm not running my life the way you want doesn't make it a failure."

"Hey! All I'm saying is that if you're writing -"

"Forget my writing!"

Jess throws the key on the counter, slamming the door. He drives back to New York utterly incensed and upon seeing Rory says furiously, "You told Luke about my notebook?"

"Jess, I just wanted him to be proud of you," Rory exclaims. "He should be - he should know how smart you are."

"That's my decision, that's my stuff. It's private and you had no right to blab about it to Luke."

Rory's eyes fill with hurt but Jess is too mad to feel sorry and he snaps, "I'm surprised you didn't tell Lorelai. You tell her everything else, right?"

"Is it so wrong to be proud of what you can do?"

"It wasn't your thing to tell," Jess says angrily. "I guess Lorelai never taught you that."

"Not fair!"

"Whatever - I'm going out."

Turning around, Jess slams the door in Rory's stunned and hurt face and storms into the night.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks for for the feedback! Happy New Year!**

Jess comes in several hours later, shutting the door louder than is necessary and sitting unsteadily on the bed.

"Hey," Rory says cautiously and Jess glances at her.

"Hi." He doesn't go to kiss her but Rory can tell he's drunk. Silently, he kicks off his shoes, unshrugs his jacket and pulls off his pants before lying beside her. Rory waits for a moment and then asks, "Where did you go?"

"Out," Jess says simply. "Bar."

"Did you have fun?"

"Oh yeah," Jess says sarcastically. "I'm about to start a party."

"Jess -"

Rory sees her boyfriend roll to his side and, before she has the courage to finish her sentence, he snores, signalling the end of any conversation that night.

Jess sleeps in late the next morning. Carefully, Rory eases herself out of bed, almost tripping over the shoes Jess left out, before making herself breakfast. Usually she drinks her coffee in bed but today Rory has it at the counter, looking out of the window. The sun isn't out but Rory can tell it's a hot day. The warmth is already creating an oven inside, stifling the small apartment. Jess is still asleep as Rory drinks the last of her cup so she goes to shower and, upon turning it on, releases a loud yelp.

"Ah!"

"What is it?" Rory turns around to see Jess slowly enter the bathroom, rubbing his eyes sleepily, and in response she points at the murky water.

"The water's broken!"

"Probably rust," Jess says simply. "Like before."

Rory waits, and after Jess doesn't elaborate, she exclaims, "Can you fix it?"

"Luke fixed it."

"Do you know how he fixed it?"

"I'm not sure."

"We have to figure out something!" Rory says frantically, staring at the water and then at Jess. "Clean water is kind of imperative, don't you think?"

"What do you want me to do?" Jess asks. "I've got one hell of a hangover!"

"Get Luke to come fix it!"

"No," Jess says sharply. "I want to fix it myself."

"So fix it!"

"I don't know how!" Jess exclaims. "Jeez, Rory! I'm not a plumber, are you?"

Rory tries to keep calm, drawing some breath. Lorelai would know what to do. Rory can remember her fixing some problem with the sink, wrench in one hand and manual in the other. Lorelai always fixed it, or got Luke to, and now it seems both those options are out. Rory has never attempted to repair a pipe but has a suspicion it wouldn't go well.

"Someone needs to fix it," Rory says and Jess groans.

"I had no idea until you pointed it out."

"What's your suggestion?" Rory snaps. Their fight from last night is still smarting. Rory is sorry that she told Luke without asking about the notebook, and was fully contrite, but Jess coming home drunk and a lack of clean water is bringing back her defensiveness from before.

"I don't know," Jess says. "Look, Rory, I just woke up and my head is killing me."

"It wouldn't be killing you if you hadn't gone and got wasted at that bar!"

"Hey, I needed some space!" Jess retorts and Rory bites her lip. "I thought you'd understand that!"

"I do understand that! But you could have talked to me!"

"No, because you would have just said I could be doing more!"

Jess reaches over and turns off the water, which sputters to a dirty trickle, and Rory says, "You can do more. You've got such a great mind, Jess, and if you tried -"

"This is what I didn't want to talk about!"

"Right, you figured it'd be better to get drunk instead."

"I just had a couple of drinks!"

"That was great use of time!"

"Sorry I'm not spending my night writing an extra-credit report," Jess snaps. "Though I guess neither of us are doing that, huh?"

Rory stares, hurt, and Jess closes his eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry," he says. "That wasn't fair. My head's just killing me and -"

"I'm going out," Rory says loudly, hoping to drown the hurt in her voice. "Maybe Lane'll let me use her shower."

"You're going all the way to Stars Hollow?"

"What am I supposed to do?" Rory demands. "Relax, I won't stop by Luke's. We'll live with the dirty water instead."

"Great."

Rory throws on some clothes, grabs her keys and drives furiously back. She's just got out of her car and turned the corner when she almost knocks over her mother who's emerging from the market.

"Oh. Hi," Rory says stupidly. Lorelai looks at her and says, "Hi. You visiting Lane?"

"No. Sort of, I guess."

Lorelai looks at her some more and Rory has a horrible feeling she's going to cry. She doesn't trust herself to speak. Rory finally breaks their glance, knowing if her mother asks if she's okay she won't be able to form an answer. Lorelai suddenly puts her hand on Rory's arm.

"Do you want to come home for a little while?" she asks gently and, although they're in a fight, Rory nods and follows her. Once they're inside Rory is able to find her voice again.

"Our shower broke," she says haltingly. "It's so hot and I didn't know what to do so I was going to use Lane's shower...I don't know what do when I go back though."

"Take a shower here," Lorelai says and Rory does so, surprised and relieved that her mother didn't launch into a tirade about being in an unhealthy living situation. Rory peels off her sweaty clothes, stepping gratefully under the water, and closes her eyes. She's forgotten how good it was to have a shower with real water pressure, let alone no risk of rust, and once done pulls on an old dress from her closet. It's strange seeing herself in it in the mirror, a girl Rory used to know.

When she goes into the kitchen Lorelai has made them each a cup of coffee and Rory hesitantly sits down.

"Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome."

Lorelai sits opposite her and for a moment neither speaks, and instead take burning sips. Finally Rory puts her cup down and says, "Mom, you know where I was in New York the other day?"

"Where?" Lorelai asks. She sounds cautious but interested and smiles when Rory says, "Right where we tried to shop and couldn't find a parking spot."

"So we drove home and bought a Hummel here," Lorelai remembers. "Great afternoon."

They both chuckle awkwardly and then Rory takes a deep breath and says, "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry I went with Jess, but I'm sorry I hurt you and screwed up our summer plans."

"It's okay," Lorelai says quietly. "I don't care about that."

"Yes, you do."

"I was more worried about you," Lorelai says seriously. "I am worried about you, Rory. I don't like you living somewhere so insecure. The whole situation is so reckless."

"But is that so bad?" Rory asks. "Don't you have to be reckless sometimes?"

"You're talking to the queen of reckless," Lorelai says, laughing a little. "Rory, I know you're mad at me, that you think I'm mad at you for wanting to risk stuff. I'm not mad at you for wanting to do more. I worry because I see myself so much in you sometimes."

"But I'm not you."

"I know. But I'm scared that this could end badly and you telling me you want to quit school isn't exactly helping."

"It's not that I want to quit forever...I just want a break."

"But you'll lose momentum. It could become forever."

"Not necessarily," Rory says obstinately and Lorelai lets out an impatient sigh.

"Can you finish college and then do this self-discovery thing?"

"Mom..."

"Rory, I could have done so much if I'd gone to college. I'd have had so many options." Lorelai puts her cup down, going around the table, and says, "I love you, kid. I don't want you ever to think that I wish I hadn't had you, or that I don't like where my life has gone. I love you and I love where I ended up, but it's been hard."

"I know," Rory says quietly. She stares at her cup and hears her mother take a deep breath.

"Tell me how it's been."

"It's been new," Rory says, trying to sound upbeat. "And exciting."

"I bet."

"But -" Rory's voice breaks before she can stop it and then Lorelai's arms are around her.

"Honey! What happened?"

"I'm tired," Rory sobs. "And it's hot and it's dirty and I hate where I work, and now we don't have clean water and Jess and I had a fight."

"Oh, Rory."

"I love him. He loves me too."

"I know he does," Lorelai says softly and Rory sniffles. "I know he loves you."

"He could do so much," Rory says tearfully. "And when I told Luke he got mad."

"Told Luke what?"

"Nothing - it doesn't matter," Rory says, wiping her eyes. She knows Jess will be upset if she tells Lorelai as well as Luke about his writing. "I just know Jess can do more."

"It's his life, Rory. It's probably hard for him to talk about it."

"But I love him."

"Loving someone isn't always enough."

Rory feels more tears streak down her cheeks and Lorelai goes on, "You don't have to be aimless like that. You're different."

"Don't talk about Jess like that," Rory says angrily, wiping her eyes. "I'm not different."

"Rory, I didn't mean to - I'm just saying that you are doing so well with school, so well with everything."

"Jess could do just as well."

"Okay, but do you get what I'm saying?" Lorelai asks gently. "Right now you're crying about it being tough living there and sweets, I don't think it's going to get easier. What are either of you going to do about the pipes?"

"I don't know."

"Because you can't use someone else's shower every time they break."

"I know that, Mom."

Lorelai gives her a hug and adds, "Not that I'm sorry you came by. I'm sorry we fought so hard."

"There's a reputation that we're stubborn," Rory jokes and Lorelai smiles.

"Outrageous. Listen, I can look at the pipes, or Luke can."

"I think we should try and figure it out."

"Okay. But if you can't..."

"Thanks, Mom. How's it going, by the way? Dating Luke?"

"It's good," Lorelai says, smiling shyly and Rory grins.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Really good."

"I'm happy for you."

Rory finishes her coffee and feels a little regretful as Lorelai says quietly, "I wanted to tell you."

"It hurt me that you didn't."

"You hurt me too," Lorelai says. "And it didn't seem the time to call and tell you. I didn't even know if you'd want me to call you."

"I was mad at you but I missed you," Rory says, looking up, and her mother nods, her eyes bright with tears.

"Oh, I missed you too, kid. You have no idea."

Rory gets up to hug her mother properly and then they are laughing, hugging each other tightly and rambling about having a movie marathon. Rory knows one evening won't make up for a whole summer of fighting and hurt words they threw at each other, but it's a start. Rory stays a little longer, having more coffee and hearing about the inn, and as she gets up to go Lorelai hesitates before saying, "Rory, if it does get too much you know you can come home, right?"

"Mom..."

"I'm not saying you'll break up with Jess. I'm just saying that I know it's hard and I'm here."

"Thanks," Rory says, giving her mother an an awkward smile before going back to the car. She's grateful that Lorelai didn't say anything about telling her so, the night Rory left with Jess which seems so long ago. Rory puts the box of food Lorelai gave her in the car before looking up to see her mother still at the door, waiting until she drives away.

Despite having shakily made up with Lorelai Rory feels subdued on the drive back. Upon getting to the apartment Jess meets her at the door, giving Rory the suspicion that he'd been waiting for a while.

"I fixed the pipes."

"You did?" Rory exclaims and Jess nods.

"Kind of. I called Brad from work."

Rory gives him a hug and says, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

They smile bashfully and Jess says, "Hey, I remember that dress."

"Oh," Rory says, looking down. It's the dress she remembers wearing after getting back from the summer in Washington, which Rory had deliberately picked to look good in to see Jess, before discovering him with Shane. Rory doesn't ask for his thoughts on that occasion. "I haven't worn it in forever...I went to Mom's. She let me use the shower and I had this in the closet."

Jess nods and asks carefully, "How did it go? Seeing your mom?"

"I think we made up," Rory says thankfully. "She's not waving sparklers around but I think we're okay. She gave us that box of food."

"That's great - the making up, I mean."

"Food doesn't suck either," Rory remarks and Jess chuckles.

"Agreed."

Rory laughs along with him but as they pause the silence becomes uncertain and Rory hesitates before finding her words.

"Jess, I'm sorry that I told Luke without asking you," Rory says, looking into Jess's eyes. "I didn't mean to go behind your back. I just - I see all the things you could do, and you could do them so well. But it's like you're afraid to even try."

"You're saying you want to take time off," Jess says seriously. "That you don't want to have everything planned - but you're not figuring out anything. You keep talking about wanting to live more, do more, but you can't just go on a roadtrip and get wisdom from that. I've done the whole Kerouac thing and I know. You're like Luke, Rory. You want to fix things for everyone but you don't want it fix it for yourself! You're worrying so much about my stupid notebook but what about your life? What about everything you're supposed to do?"

Rory stares at him, unsure what to say. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Guess that makes two of us."

"I know you're supposed to do something more," Rory says, taking Jess's hand. "I know that."

"You do, huh?" Jess tries to sound light but Rory can hear the hope in it and nods.

"I know, Jess."

He kisses her and Rory kisses him back, assuming the conversation is over, but then Jess stops to say, "You need to fix it, Rory. You're supposed to do something great, you always were, but you have to figure it out."

His eyes are earnest and searching and Rory stares back, heart thudding. It has always been Jess encouraging her and until now, she never felt she needed encouragement. Jess is still staring, waiting for Rory to reply, and finally she says, "I don't know how."

"You will."

Rory simply nods, moving her eyes, and then Jess kisses her. Rory kisses him back, hesitantly and then desperately, pulling him into the bedroom. Impatiently Rory sheds her old dress, filled with need, and she gasps when Jess pushes into her, matching her rhythm with his. They move and move until Jess falls onto her chest and, as Rory runs her hand through his curls, remembers when she thought all of this was enough. A thread of doubt is running through her and Rory tries to dismiss it as she closes her eyes.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Jess walks home after work, the last of his hangover lingering and beating in the heat. He hates getting drunk like that. When Jess drinks too much his sarcasm sours, words turning bitter in his mouth. He sounds like Liz. Liz got drunk like that at least once a week, yelling at Jess to leave her alone, until pulling him into a hug when she was sober. _Why do I drink like that?_ she'd ask, eyes bloodshot. _Why can't I make it through the week without a bottle of wine?_ Jess figured she wouldn't be interested on his theories about that. When he was seven or eight Liz had been rambling about doing better, pouring all her alcohol away, so one day after school Jess had drained a bottle of wine down the sink, cheeks flushed with excitement. She'd be so proud. When Liz came home from work the smile Jess had envisioned turned into a crumpled face of tears. _How could you? _she demanded tearfully_. I _needed_ that, I need to forget I'm just your mom and this is my life!_ Liz locked herself in her room for hours until finally Jess was so hungry he made dinner. The electricity bill was paid so he made pasta, and Jess remembers being just tall enough to reach the stove. Eventually Liz emerged, ate dinner with him and even watched a movie, holding Jess closely and covering him in kisses. _I'm sorry. _Jess had dared to hope she'd change after that, but the next day she bought more wine and next month there was a boyfriend who promised to put Jess in the ER if he ever touched his stuff. The boyfriend didn't last long but the lesson did. Jess never hoped for anything more after that.

Not long after the incident with the wine Jess decided one thing; no matter where his life went he would not turn out like his mother. He wasn't going to cry like her, mess up like her and spend all his time drinking, getting stoned and passing out. Jess never knew his father so couldn't pass judgement on him, but the guy walked out on them so presumably he wasn't exactly a prize. Still, Jess thought, he did have Liz to contend with. Maybe he'd seen Jess and figured he wasn't worth sticking around for, and Jess couldn't even argue he was wrong. If he thought about that Jess would get an uncomfortable tightness in his throat and, to get rid of it would have to blare music or smoke as many cigarettes as needed. Sometimes just one would be enough and sometimes Jess would make his way through most of a packet. _Whatever_, he thought eventually. The guy wasn't worth caring about and, when Liz was finished with Jess and sent him to Stars Hollow, Jess decided she wasn't worth caring about either. No one was. If you cared about people they'd just screw you over. Jess was done with all of it. Why Liz thought sending Jess to the town which she claimed sent her spiralling was a mystery, but Liz isn't known for rationality, plus Jess didn't care. He wasn't interested in his mother, his uncle or anyone new he'd have to meet. He'd stay the required year or two with his clueless uncle in this joke of a town and then get the hell out. He'd never have to care about anyone ever again.

When he got to Stars Hollow, Jess figured the plan wasn't a bad one. No one there liked him. They decided he was basically a criminal and who was Jess to dissuade them? Like he needed their approval. When his uncle got mad at him for skipping school or pulling a prank, Jess wondered why he was bothering to get mad - it's not as if Jess was doing so well. And yet, for some reason, Luke really seemed to care, and so did this girl, Rory. Her mother didn't - Jess could see the distrust written all over her - but her daughter did. And when he gave her the whole speech about doing _whatever, wherever, _Rory called him on it. It made Jess rethink things a little. He was smart enough to pass the classes, he'd surprise them. Jess still didn't want to go to college but he'd make it through high school. And then it all went to hell. Jess wanted to tell Luke and Rory but he couldn't - he couldn't stand disappointing them too. He couldn't bear seeing the look Rory would get in her eyes. Jess decided it would be simpler just to leave. He thought that by taking himself out of the relationship he was differing from Liz, not clinging on, but now Jess isn't so sure. He didn't want to hurt Rory but knows he did. Liz would move after any breakup and now, Jess thinks uncomfortably, he ran away too. He left like Jimmy did, like Liz always would. He didn't want to be like either of his parents and it seems he inadvertently copied both.

He has reached the apartment. Jess casts a glance at Rory's scarred car before opening the front door, wondering if she'll ever get it fixed. He wishes he could just give her the money, though he doesn't think Rory would accept it. He finds her at the table, eating a snack out of the box of food Lorelai gave them and Jess shakes his head at the offer of a poptart. Sitting next to her, Jess watches Rory wipe some crumbs from her mouth and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Changing his mind, Jess picks up a poptart and bites into it, welcoming the rush of sugar. He hadn't known how hungry he felt until he started eating it, and Jess is grateful to Lorelai for putting the box together, though he imagines it was more for Rory than him. Jess is glad they made up. He has issues with Lorelai, no question, but hated Rory fighting with her over him. He remembers Luke's comment of their being the same person and it gives him pause. A year or two ago Jess would have simply laughed at that, but he's more reflective these days. Maybe that's what a roadtrip does to you. Or maybe it's just getting older. Jess looks back at Rory, wondering what she and Lorelai talked about. She seems more distanced since getting back.

Shaking himself, Jess gets up to make some coffee. He's pouring water into the pot and shrugs when Rory asks, "What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"No idea." Jess misses having extra cash, being able to take Rory to a concert or seeing a dumb movie for the hell of it. Besides the stupidity of drinking so much Jess is annoyed with himself for spending so much at the bar. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know." The air is quiet between them and Jess turns around.

"I swear I won't get drunk like that again."

"I know," Rory says, sounding surprised. "It's okay."

"I don't drink like that," Jess says. "My mom drank like that."

Rory waits, her expression curious and sympathetic and Jess lets out a breath, wishing he'd left off the last sentence. But isn't he trying not to be like his mother? Liz never told him the full reality of things, drunk or sober, and pushed him away when Jess asked more. He can talk to Rory. He can be real with her.

"Liz drank so she wouldn't have to deal with stuff," Jess says slowly. "She didn't like being a mom. She didn't like her life, period. She said Stars Hollow smothered her and had all these plans, but getting pregnant wrecked it. She talked about wanting more, but it all sounded like some kind of fairytale. She'd marry the first guy who stuck around longer than a month and it ended bad, every time. But she never wanted to do better."

"I'm sorry," Rory says gently and when Jess says quietly, "I don't want to be like that," she gets up and goes to him.

"Jess! You're not like that. You're nothing like Liz."

Jess shrugs. He's hurt people too, he knows, and not been real about stuff. He figured he wouldn't amount to much more than Liz did. She clung to dreams, he dismissed them. Is it better?

"I love you," Rory says seriously. "And you can do so much, Jess. I know you can."

Jess closes his eyes for a moment. He doesn't want to talk about this again. He meant what he said before to Rory, that she and Luke are the same that way. They get angry at him for not doing more, but what is it they're going to do? Rory has her own mind, Jess knows that, and is smart enough to get to wherever she wants to be. She goes to Yale, for crying out loud. And Luke runs his own business, which Jess has to come to respect. She and Luke are so good at things they want to focus on but when something shakes them, they flounder. Why are they trying to fix him? Luke will work out anyone's problems before his own and Rory - put a book in front of her and she'll have read it, analysed it and written a freaking thesis on it before you can ask. But outside of that, she struggles. Jess can see it. He doesn't know what to say to her. She should go back to school, he thinks, but what would he do? Live here? Move there? He loves her but that thought makes him feel uneasy, so Jess pushes it away.

"We can both do a lot," he concedes and Rory's face relaxes into a smile.

"Right! Jess, I'm sorry about taking the notebook to Luke, I am. I promise never to do anything like that again. I just - I really think you could do something with it."

Jess nods and gives her a kiss, which stops Rory talking. She kisses him back and then whispers, "Hey, I know what we can do this weekend, and it doesn't even cost money."

Jess laughs at that, kissing her some more. Late that night, after three rounds of said free activity, Jess wakes up. Rory is sound asleep, lying on her front with her arms stretched. Jess carefully sits up, finding the notebook they fought over and carefully turning on the light. Rory lets out a sigh but stays asleep, frowning in her dreams and after a moment Jess starts to read. Some of it's not so bad. He reads and reads and wonders that if he knew someone else had written it, perhaps he wouldn't dismiss it as easily as he's been doing.


	28. Chapter 28

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory wakes to stale air. There's a musty, dry scent in the apartment and she goes over to the window, wrenches it open and wrinkles her nose. It seems the smell is seeping in from outside.

"Yuck!"

"What?" Jess asks blearily as Rory struggles to shut the window again. "What's wrong?"

"That gross smell...I opened the window and that just made it worse."

"Courtesy of New York City."

Rory goes back to bed, sitting down with a thump. Before she moved here, New York always seemed so exciting, and if there ever was a a bad taste to the air it didn't matter. It never mattered because Rory would be going home and the air was clean. It turns out the downsides of the city are less exciting when you can't leave them. Rory spools through the day in her mind; a shift at the cafe, showering and then doing whatever little it is they do until bed. And it'll be the same the next day. And the day after that, and the day after that...Summer has blurred into monotony. How can such an exciting adventure start feeling lethargic? Rory rolls onto her back. Her tanktop slips up as she does so but Rory lets it be, the sticky air tickling the skin exposed, still slow from sleep.

"Hey," Jess says, giving her a kiss. Rory kisses him back absently, still thinking, and Jess leans onto his elbow. "What?"

Rory shrugs and he looks at her more closely, repeating, "What's up?"

"I don't know where the time's gone," Rory says and winces slightly. "Man that sounds cheesy out loud."

"It's still summer."

"Yeah, but not for much longer."

Jess frowns and, leaning up herself, Rory takes hold of his hand.

"What'll we do after August?"

"We'll figure something out."

"Okay, but we need an actual plan here," Rory argues. "This can't be longterm - living here like this, I mean."

"So are you going to go back to school?" Jess asks seriously and Rory bites her lip. "That's lined up for you."

"I'm tired of things being lined up," Rory says restlessly. "I was, at least...I don't know."

"Got any suggestions?"

Rory is quiet. Jess has laced his fingers between hers and she squeezes them for a moment before saying, "Why don't we take a roadtrip?"

"Rory..."

"Why not?" Rory demands. "It's something fun and exciting and I want to see things with you, do things with you. It's like you said before; we'll work, we'll make money...it'll be an adventure."

"We can't just take a roadtrip. For one thing, I don't think my car can even make it across the state."

"So we can take mine."

"I don't think it's built for longterm travel."

"Why are you so against it?" Rory demands, dropping his hand. "I thought you were into spontaneity!"

"I am!"

"And what, I can't be?"

"That's not it."

"Then what?"

"I just don't think it would work," Jess says slowly. "It's one thing if you have money and time and are okay with what comes next, but...Rory, it's getting hard just living like this. And we don't have the money, we don't have a lot of time and I just..."

His voice fades as Rory's eyes fill with tears.

"And I couldn't handle it?"

"It's not that. I just...Rory, I've been there and it's not always an adventure. Sometimes you want to call quits on the whole damn thing and when you can't...it's not always easy."

"I know it's not easy!" Rory exclaims in a wobbly voice. "_This_ isn't easy! But I went with you, I trusted you and now you're acting like I don't have a clue!"

"You are one of the only people in the world I'd want to go away with!"

"So why won't you go away with me?"

They stare at each other, Rory expectant and Jess wordless, until finally Rory gets up, wiping an angry hand across her eyes.

"Just forget it," she says tightly. "I'm too sheltered, right?"

"Rory -"

"No. I have to go to work anyway."

The shift is long and hot. Rory is absentminded, making the kind of mistakes from months ago when she was new and clueless and Maya is frustrated, saying as much to Rory.

"You're competent now. What's going on - you miss a period or something?"

"No," Rory says, shocked. "I'm sorry - I don't know what's going on."

"Well, you'd better figure it out because I don't have the patience for you to fuck up all day."

Rory manages to finish her shift, a little shaken, and walks back in a kind of stupor. Maya's words are echoing in her mind. Rory hasn't missed her period, it arrived steadily on time last week, but what would she do, she thinks? What would happen if she did? The thought is too unbearable to entertain. As she walks back her cellphone rings and Rory jumps. It's Paris.

"Hey, Gilmore," Paris says, her voice clear across the miles. "I just wanted to know if you'd got anywhere with housing. We need to figure out this year's setup."

"Paris -"

"Because there's on a few more weeks before we got started and I don't want to get shoved in some shack, though I guess you're used to that now. Rory? Hello?"

Rory takes a deep breath before saying, "I'm not totally figured out on this year yet."

"What exactly do you mean?" Paris asks suspiciously and Rory says nervously, "I thought I might, um, take some time off."

"You thought you might, um, take some time off?" Paris exclaims, tone ringing with sarcasm. "No way! There's no way you could be that stupid."

"Not forever -"

"It will be, or as good as. This isn't over Rory, even if I have to drive you back here myself. I'm not letting you just be a screwbuddy for the rest of your life."

"What a delightful way to put it."

"Point stands."

Rory stops, unsure what to say, and finally Paris says, "Just let me know when I need to drag you back here because I'm not letting you leave with me a hovel for the entire semester."

"Look -"

"I've got to go," Paris says angrily. "And I'll be talking to Lorelai about this."

"Paris! Don't involve my mother!"

"Don't be an idiot then. Goodbye."

There's an audible click as Paris hangs up and Rory is left staring at her phone, until the roar of traffic brings her back into motion.

When Rory gets back, all she can think about is getting inside a cool shower. She doesn't even care about the water temperature. Jess is out, getting a few things from the store, according to the note on the table, and Rory is relieved to be briefly alone. Stripping, she lets out a loud sigh once under the water and sluices the day away. Once Rory has pulled on a skirt and shirt she hears the door open and looks up to see Jess stagger in with a large bag.

"Hey," he says, nodding over it. "There was a deal on bread."

"Cool."

Rory gets up to help and, once they'd started drinking the coffee she's made, Jess looks over at her.

"Work bad?"

"Huh?" Rory asks, blinking, and Jess says, "You look stressed. Was it before?"

"Jess," Rory says slowly, "What would we do if I got pregnant?"

Coffee sloshes over the mug as Jess practically drops it, coughing. "What? Rory, are you saying - you said you got your period! Are you -?"

"No," Rory says quickly. "I'm not."

"Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry - I didn't mean to freak you out. I guess I'm just thinking, what if it happened?"

Jess scratches the back of his head, looking uncomfortable.

"Why would it happen?" he asks eventually. "We're careful."

"I know - but sometimes it happens. It's not unheard of."

There's an uncomfortable pause, and Rory reconsiders making a joke about the silence being pregnant as Jess sighs, looking at her.

"I'd be freaking terrified," he says eventually. "But I'd do whatever you'd want to do."

"What if I wanted to have it?"

"Would you?"

"No! I don't know! I'm just thinking...how could we even handle that?"

"I don't know," Jess says, looking her in the eye. "But I know that whatever we decided, it'd be okay."

"I don't know if it would be."

"Rory - what do you want me to say? I'm not going to lie, I think I actually did have a bad dream where you told me that, but you're not, right?"

"I'm not," Rory says and Jess lets out a long breath. "I didn't mean to scare you - I guess I'm just thinking about things. But I'm not, I swear."

Jess nods and Rory sits closer to him. She's unsure about why she even pushed the subject - it's not something she wants to imagine. Jess said all the right things, and Rory knows he means them, but she still feels a kind of disquiet.

"I know you'd be there," she says, looking up at him. "I never thought you wouldn't be."

Jess nods, gives her a kiss but the silence left is uneasy. That night Rory wakes up and, desperately thirsty, gets up to slake her thirst. She wonders how her mother felt, when she knew, how Christopher wanted to marry her but decided leaving was wiser. She took Rory away from a rich world to a home closer to this one. The thought of raising a baby in this apartment is unbearable, impossible. It doesn't matter, Rory says firmly to herself, she's not going to, but the ghost of the nightmare keeps her awake all night.


	29. Chapter 29

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Jess yawns, stretching out the crick in his neck. His back is killing him and he's not even halfway through his shift. A plate slips in his hand into the steaming water and Jess grits his teeth, lifting it up and spraying water all over his shirt.

"What's with you, man?"

"Nothing."

"You keep screwing up," Brad remarks and Jess shrugs, unable to deny it. His brain won't shut up. Ever since talking to Rory yesterday about what they're going to do after summer Jess can't focus, but the part his mind most goes to is her question. _What would we do if I got pregnant?_ For a second Jess legitimately thought he was having a heart attack and even though she's not, and it was just a conversation, his heart still thuds, panicking with each beat. What would he do if Rory got pregnant? _Fuck! _Jess manages to wash a dish without incident before casually asking, "What would you do if you got someone pregnant?"

It's Brad's turn to drop a plate. He turns and stares at Jess and says, "You knocked up Miss Yale?"

"No!" Jess exclaims. "I was asking rhetorically...never mind."

"Dust in the wind," Brad says a few moments later and Jess is lost for a second before remembering the topic, then shakes his head.

"I couldn't do that to Rory."

Jess couldn't do that to anyone. He's never had to consider it, as far as he knows, but he knows he'd never do that, leave the girl to deal with their mess. To run out on Rory is unthinkable. He already feels guilty enough for leaving like he did last year, and abandoning Rory this way would be even worse. Jess looks at Brad and says, "You'd just leave? That's a real dick move."

Brad shrugs, suds sopping around his hands.

"I don't know, man. I just know I'm not ready to become a father."

Like Jess is. He finishes up his plate and Brad looks over at him.

"Why are you getting into that, anyway? You sure she's not?"

"Yes. Just forget it."

"You're not going to have any fun getting laid if you're thinking about that."

"Yeah, yeah. It's fine - like I said, forget it."

Brad nods, washes a couple more plates and then snorts with laughter.

"What?" Jess asks irritably and the pit in his stomach grows as Brad says, "Picturing you and Miss Yale with a baby."

Jess tells him to shut up and to his enormous relief, Brad actually does. Jess walks home in the slipping night heat, the wheels in his brain still spinning. What the hell would they do? Honestly, he'd want Rory to have an abortion - as if they could raise a kid right now. He can barely take care of himself! But it's her call, it has to be, and if she wanted it...God knows how they'd figure it out. What the hell do they know about being parents? Rory at least has Lorelai, even if she has a jerk for a dad, and Jess has a whackjob for a mother and essentially a ghost for a father. Real frames of references there. He could never walk out on his kid, that much he knows. Forgetting the fact that he couldn't hurt Rory like that, Jess knows how it feels for a dad to walk out. He can't remember it but that's almost worse - like Jimmy took one look at him and decided to bolt. He wasn't worth hanging around for from the second he was born. If Jess did have to become a father, he'd try - he knows he'd screw a lot of stuff up - but he'd stick around for his kid. He'd never leave anyone, if he loved them or not, and he definitely loves Rory. He can't imagine the reality of a child.

Jess's ankle collides with a bench, shocking him back to reality. What the hell is going on - Rory's not pregnant so why is he getting sucked into this vortex of potential fatherhood? Damn, why did she just casually drop it into conversation like that? Now Jess can't get it out of his head. Pain is ricocheting up his foot and continues to throb as he walks back. Jess's step is slow, but it's not the pain. He doesn't feel ready to go back yet. Jess remembers when they'd just moved in together, how he was impatient in every second spent apart from Rory. He couldn't get close enough to her. He loves her, Jess loves her so much it hurts, but there's a streak of reality which wasn't there before. He loves the concept of taking a roadtrip but knows it wouldn't work. He doesn't know what they're going to do after summer and that scares him almost as much as Rory telling him she's pregnant.

Finally, Jess walks up the stairs to the apartment. Rory is reading at the table, some sandwiches on a plate and a percolator of coffee beside it. Jess is so thankful at the sight that he instantly takes back all the trepidation of before. Sinking into the other chair, he takes a sandwich and eats almost all of it in one bite, closing his eyes.

"Hungry?" Rory asks, amused and Jess chuckles through the crumbs.

"You could say that."

He takes another sandwich and Rory picks one up too, eating with slightly more reserve, her face illuminated by the lamp on the table. Rory's hair is almost as long as it was when Jess first met her, more than two years ago, but she looks different. She even looks different to last year. Absently, Jess scratches his ear and feels his own hair tickle it, growing down the back of his neck. He needs to cut his before a haircut gets more expensive than it already is. Jess wonders if he looks different to Rory, length of hair aside, but decides not to ask her - he's not sure what answer he wants to hear. Instead, Jess asks about her day and Rory tells him about the cafe and the soda machine malfunctioning.

"But it was light on the jerks," she says happily. "So not all bad."

"Good to hear."

They talk easily back and forth, finishing the sandwiches. Rory asks Jess about the restaurant but he keeps his answers short and simple, not mentioning his conversation with Brad. He doesn't want to go back to that area of discussion. There's nothing else to do once they've cleaned the kitchen - as much as the kitchen can actually be cleaned - so they head to bed early. Jess tries to settle on the sunken mattress, and has just found a good position when Rory gets in beside him, forcing him to land on some lumps. Jess groans with a laugh but shakes his head when Rory asks him what's wrong.

"Nothing - doesn't matter." Jess lifts up his book but loses concentration after just a few sentences, and a look at Rory shows she's not too engrossed either. Their eyes meet as Rory glances up and she smiles sheepishly back at Jess.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I was thinking," Rory says slowly, "that if I went back to school, you could always come with me. I mean - not to Yale of course, but maybe we could live in New Haven?"

Jess shifts uncomfortably. He knows New Haven. He's never lived there but he's driven through it and read up on it - when Rory was going to Yale he looked up the distance from Stars Hollow so he could figure out going to see her. He can't say the town itself was totally sold on him. Jess is happy that Rory is at least reconsidering school, but what the hell's he going to do in New Haven? There's nothing there. Still, maybe that shouldn't bother him, he silently remarks to himself. It's not as if he's doing much here either. All the same, Jess hesitates and Rory frowns.

"What?"

"Nothing...just thinking about it."

Rory nods, sounding a little uneasy as she says, "Well, it's just an idea. I don't know if I'll go back."

"I think you should."

Rory nods again, looking lost. Jess can't stand it and he leans forward to kiss her, comforting himself as well as her. Rory kisses him back, putting her arms around him and they both laugh as the mattress sends their bodies caving into each other, hips colliding. Rory shifts so Jess is on top of her and they kiss more enthusiastically, their breath sharp. Jess feels himself harden as they kiss, his skin hot against hers as he helps Rory take off her tanktop and starts kissing her breasts. Rory sits up, reaching for Jess's boxers and for a second Jess stops.

"What?" Rory pants. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jess says after a second. _You're not going to have any fun getting laid if you're thinking about that. _He focuses on kissing her again, tugging off his boxers before sliding down Rory's underwear. Since Rory went on the pill they don't bother with condoms, but Jess considers that maybe they should, just in case. The other part of him doesn't want to stop for something they probably don't even need. His brown eyes meet her blue and for a second they lock gaze. Jess is positive she's thinking what he's thinking but then she's kissing him again, pressing her body to his and Jess pushes inside her with a sigh. That shuts his mind up. They move and move, moaning into each other's mouths, and Rory lets out a cry as they finish, arching back.

"Hey," Jess says, still short on breath. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory says. She smiles but her eyes are sad. Jess looks at her but Rory is untangling her body from his, and Jess does so reluctantly, missing her warmth as he slips out of her. Rory rolls onto her back, her brown hair tickling Jess's shoulder, but then she takes his hand. Jess kisses it, squeezing her fingers tightly as she turns to smile at him. Jess's heart fills as he smiles back, bumping his hip to hers. He can't imagine ever letting Rory go.


	30. Chapter 30

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Rory wipes the last table of her shift. It's been a long, hot day and all she can think about is a cold shower. Maya mercifully turns the open sign to closed and Rory's eyes wander past her to the calendar which hangs over the counter. It's somewhat pointless, as half the dates are illegible from splattered foodstuff, but Maya dutifully turns each page anyway. Time seems as smeared as the paper. The past couple of weeks have escaped in a blur and, as Rory finds the square she thinks is today's date, a horrible knowledge creeps into her mind. Her period was due last week. Putting the rag down, Rory slows to a stop and starts biting her lip. She's late. How late? Is she pregnant from the last time she had sex? No, that's not it...it's before your last period. How does _that _work?

"You're done."

"What?" Rory jumps and turns to see Maya who patiently says, "Looks like that table's done. You're finished for the night."

"Oh. Right. Um, thanks."

Slowly taking off her apron, Rory walks home with halting steps. So she's a little late, she says to herself soothingly. It happens. It doesn't mean _that_. Who knows? Her period could show up as soon as she gets back to the apartment.

It hasn't. Rory knew it wouldn't before she even got into the bathroom and feels a panic start to settle on her chest. Before she can try and say anything else to herself the front door is rattling, and Rory emerges to see Jess force it open, panting slightly.

"It's too damn hot," he says briefly. "How was work?"

Rory can't speak. Jess heads straight to the refrigerator, grabbing a bottle of water and drinking almost all of it before noticing Rory's silence.

"Hey," he says, putting it down. "What's wrong?"

"My period's late," Rory says in a quiet voice. "More than a week."

Jess stares at her for a moment, eyes widening, before asking, "Does that mean you're -?"

"I don't know yet," Rory says. There's a terrible, tight feeling spreading from her chest across her entire body. Her legs are threatening to buckle.

"Okay," Jess says, breathing hard. "Okay. How did this happen?"

"You _know_ how this happened!"

Jess doesn't reply to that. He starts walking around the room, over and over, until Rory finally asks, "Jess, what are you doing?"

"I don't know!" Jess shouts. "I don't know what to do!"

Rory looks away and then Jess is going over to her, taking her hands.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm just kind of shocked."

"Understatement," Rory jokes and Jess almost smiles.

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?" Jess asks and Rory violently shakes her head. It's a hot night but she can feel herself shiver.

"What are we going to do?" she asks. "If I'm pregnant, what'll we do?"

"I don't know."

"You don't _know?"_

"No Rory, I don't know what to do!" Jess exclaims, letting go of her hands. "How the hell should I know what we'll do? I know nothing about this - _nothing!_ I'm no world expert on relationships, forget pregnancy! What makes you think I have any kind of clue about this?"

"Jess, don't say that! You know more than you think."

"Are you seriously giving me a pep talk right now?" Jess asks with a bitter laugh. "I might have gotten you pregnant and you're bringing out the pom-poms? Stop it - just stop! I don't want to go to school, I don't want to study, and right now I'm trying to figure out where my life is even going!"

"Jess!" Rory shouts. "I am not giving you a pep talk, I'm just saying you can do more. You know it too, but you're too scared to try it. Don't you dare get mad at me for that! And Jess - do you think I know what I'm doing? I don't!"

"I'm sorry," Jess says, closing his eyes. "I'm trying to process this and I can't."

"And you think I can? I'm freaking out here! Jess, I am really, really scared."

Rory feels like she might puke. She tries to take a steadying breath which, if anything, makes her feels worse. Jess takes her hand, telling her, "You need to take a pregnancy test."

Rory nods, throat too tight to speak, and shakes her head when Jess asks if she has one. They look at each other for a moment and Rory manages to say, "I'll go to the store."

"I'll come."

It helps being out in the fresh air, even if the adjective is a little dubious. Rory looks up here and there to see Jess staring straight ahead, his jaw tight with each step. As they approach the shop Rory feels her anxiety begin to swarm and, as she and Jess scan the shelves for a test, her mind boggles at the array.

"How the hell are there so many?" Jess hisses, voicing her thoughts. "Aren't they all doing the same thing?"

"Which one should I get?"

"I don't know - which is the cheapest?"

"I'd rather get the most accurate."

"We just want to know if you are or not, right? Who cares which one?"

Rory can't argue with that. Somehow, however, she doesn't trust the cheapest, and ends up grabbing one from the middle, slamming it onto the counter with shame. Rory only looks up when the clerk announces the price and can't tell if it's imagination or truth when she sees judgement looking back at her. Here she is, another pregnant teenager. What made her think she was so different?

"Rory, let's go," Jess says nervously. Rory stuffs the test in the bag offered and hurries back, the handles tight in her hand. Once back, they get the test out and Jess reads the back of the box.

"Says it takes two minutes. One blue line, you're good, two blue lines..."

"I get it," Rory says abruptly. She grabs the box, starts to go into the bathroom and stops. "Can you time me? My brain's all fuzzy."

"Sure," Jess says. He hesitates and says, "Good luck."

"Good luck?" Rory echoes in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?"

"You know what I meant."

"Jess, I'm going to need more than luck if I'm pregnant."

"Rory, I just -"

"If I'm pregnant, it's over," Rory says. Her legs are trembling. "I don't know if I'll finish school, what I'll do..."

"I'll be here. I won't bail on you."

"I know," Rory says, feeling her voice waver. "But you don't want to study, you don't want to plan for anything. Jess, what can we do that's enough?"

Jess stares at her and finally says, "I don't know."

Rory doesn't know what to say. They look and look at each other and Jess says in a rough voice, "I love you."

"I love you too," Rory whispers. She forces her eyes away, secludes herself in the bathroom and unwraps the test. For a while, she sits there, too anxious for anything, and finally a tiny trail of pee trickles out. Rory hopes it meets the requirements. She washes her hands, opens the door and says, "How long's it been?"

"I guess a minute?"

"You were supposed to time me!" Rory shouts, grabbing his wrist and staring at the watch. "Okay, we'll start it from now."

Jess nods and the taut sensation grips Rory even tighter. She should be crying. Why isn't she crying? She could be pregnant right this second. The very thought is unthinkable. How did this happen? Why did they relax enough to stop using condoms? Rory is always cautious, always careful. Impulse isn't supposed to take over. That's not her but, Rory thinks wryly, she is Lorelai's daughter. Her mother will probably say as much. Rory knows, suddenly, if she's pregnant she won't have this baby. She and Jess can't be parents. She asks what the time is and Jess lifts his wrist. One minute to go. How can time be moving so slowly? Finally Jess looks at his watch and says, "It's been two minutes."

"I can't look," Rory says wildly. Her heart has started beating painfully fast and she says, "I can't!"

"Rory, we've got to look! Here, let me."

"No," Rory says after a pause. "Wait."

Jess waits and, feeling dreamlike, Rory walks slowly back into the bathroom and lifts up the test. Gasping, she feels her body shake and finally the tears come.

"Rory!" Jess is by her side, gripping her spare hand. "I'm here. I'm right here."

"It's negative," Rory sobs, showing him. "I'm not pregnant."

One blue line stares up at them and Rory stares back with blurred eyes, checking that a second hasn't formed to cheat them. Rory hears Jess let out a loud sigh of relief through her tears. The storm inside her is now a deluge. Rory can't stop crying, even when she feels Jess put his arms around her and hold her tightly.

"It's okay," he mumbles into her hair. "It's okay, you're not pregnant."

Rory sobs into Jess's shoulder, feeling her tears soak his T-shirt. She's relieved too, she's sure, but right now all she can do is cry. Jess kisses the side of her head, squeezing her hand, but when Rory finally lifts her head she says, "I don't think I can do this anymore."

"What?"

Rory winces at the pain in Jess's eyes but says, "I can't do this anymore - live here with you."

She gestures around the apartment and Jess says, "Rory, you're scared, I get it. But it's okay - you're not pregnant."

"No, it's not okay," Rory says, wiping her eyes. "I think that was the worst hour of my life. Jess, we've got to figure out something. We said it, when we were fighting - we don't have any idea what we're doing."

"We were freaking out!"

"It's more than that, Jess! You were right, before...I think I need to go back to school. I can't stay a waitress forever, and the roadtrip idea was dumb. And apart from all of that, I want to have a shower, a real shower, and feel clean afterwards and not work in that stinky cafe. I want to buy coffee or snacks and not feel guilty and just go out for fun and not feel so tired every single day. I can't carry on with this. I still don't know if it's right for me, but I want to go back to school."

"I think it's good that you go back to Yale," Jess says softly but he shakes his head when Rory asks, "But you won't go to New Haven?"

"Why?" Rory asks angrily. "Jess, I came with you, I took a chance."

"I shouldn't have asked you to."

Rory gasps and then new tears are pouring down her cheeks, sobs forcing from her chest as she tries to speak.

"So this was a waste?" Rory demands. "This adventure, this whole time together - you didn't love me enough?"

"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone," Jess says angrily, moving closer to her. "This has been the happiest time in my whole life."

"So why -?"

"You should be at school," Jess says, his voice clear through its tautness. "You should be aiming for the incredible thing you're meant to do, and if you're right - if you stay here, you can't. You know it. And I want to be with you - I love you - but I need to figure out whatever the hell it is I want to do."

"And I'd hold you back?"

"No!"

"Why won't you go with me then?" Rory sobs. "I came here with you."

"I need to be alone for this. I just...I don't know what I want to do, but I don't think New Haven is the place to do it."

_"Jess!"_

"Maybe we need some time apart."

"You want to break up?"

"No! Rory, I love you. But you said it just now...nothing ever scared me as much as waiting for the results of that test. And we don't have any kind of plan."

"I have a plan," Rory says quietly. "You just don't like it."

"It's right for you, not for me."

"How do you know?"

"I know...trust me."

Jess looks like he might cry himself. Rory wants to hold him but is so mad she wants to hit him too and she holds herself back, standing in the paradox. She takes a juddering breath, tears spent. Where has trusting him taken her? Rory gazes into Jess's sad eyes and says, "So what do we do now?"

"I guess we move on," Jess says quietly. "We figure it out."

"I don't want to stay," Rory says, feeling ready to cry again. "Not if it's over."

"Rory -"

"I can't," Rory says, her voice catching. "Jess, I can't."

Rory throws her things into boxes, barely able to look at Jess. Her boyfriend is clenching at the sink, staring out of the window. Rory knows if she stops to talk him she'll give in, saying she wants to stay and try, go wherever he's going. She doesn't know if Jess would want to her to or not and that hurts even more than seeing him stand here.

Rory leaves the apartment, hands shaking as she pushes the key under the door and making her way to her car. She starts it up, holding her breath after so many weeks of not driving, but the car easily rumbles into life. Rory pulls into the street and glances back as she heads away from the building, but it hurts too much. She remembers coming here in her boyfriend's car and breathless with hope, ready for an adventure. Rory knew it had to end but not this way, not in a scarred car and her heart shattered. Shouldn't she have more to show for it; this paragraph in her story? There is nothing, not even the ticket stub for the movie she and Jess treated themselves to. Why didn't she keep it? Why didn't she think? Rory allows herself to lift a hand from the wheel to wipe the stubborn tears from her eyes. She always thinks. She's the girl who thinks everything through, and what has not thinking rewarded her with? An aching, endless stream of pain which Rory can't imagine ever ceasing. She lost Jess. They had sex that morning and breathed in each other's bodies before Rory eased herself away, wanting to make coffee. If she'd known that was the last time they'd sleep together Rory would have held on for as long as she could, resist ever getting up. How could she have got up so easily, not have an inkling that it was their last time? He was her first time, her only times, and Rory can't imagine ever being with someone else. She never wants to be with someone else. She loves him. Rory moans, almost turning the car around, but then what? Nothing will have changed. There's no use wishing for things to be different than they have to be. They are how they are - it's time to grow up. She doesn't know if she's going home but she's ending this journey. Gritting herself against her tears, Rory steadies herself and starts the straight line to where it started, and where it seems to end.


	31. Chapter 31

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Jess doesn't know how long he stands there, staring out of the window, after Rory leaves. He wants to chase after her. He wants to run to her, plead with her to stay, but he doesn't. Instead, Jess grips the sides of the sink where he stands, watching the night fall, and moves only when a car honks outside and breaks him from his stupor. He knows it won't be Rory but Jess looks outside anyway only to see some guy jump out of his car and swear at some other dude he nearly collided with. Letting them battle it out, Jess moves slowly away.

This can't have happened. It can't be over. Just this morning they slept together and drank coffee at the kitchen window, comfortable in the world they'd created. Rory got ready for work, Jess kissed her goodbye and then all hell broke loose. The dizzying relief Jess felt when the test was negative was wiped away almost instantly with Rory saying she had to leave. Jess yearns to catch up with her, tell her how much he loves her, but he doesn't. He knows she's right. If she'd been pregnant they'd have been screwed. Jess would be there, whatever happened, but they were lucky. And now what? You can love someone more than anything but it doesn't mean it's enough. Jess hates himself for putting that hurt in Rory's eyes. He knows New Haven would be a mistake, but the expression on Rory's face nearly made him change his mind. Would a better guy have gone? Or is he just deluding himself? Either way, Rory's gone. The person Jess cares for most in this life has gone, he's hurt her, again, wrecked it again, and Jess hates himself. He can't bear the pain starting to sear through him and furiously swings a fist at the wall.

"Fuck!"

Instantly Jess knows he's an idiot for a different reason. Cradling his hand, Jess cautiously tries moving his fingers. Nothing seems broken but it hurts like hell. If Rory was here she'd tell him to put ice on it, but Jess welcomes the throbbing ache. It's distracting him from missing her. Still, as the pain increases, Jess wishes he'd hit the wall with a little less force. Opening the refrigerator with his spare hand, Jess carefully gets out a bottle of beer. He drinks it where he stands in barely two minutes and gets out another and then, deciding not to fool himself, retrieves the rest. Jess ferries the bottles over to the table where he sits, twisting off the tops and steadily drinking. It doesn't take long for a pleasant dullness starts to spread through him. It helps the numb the pain both from punching the wall and from Rory leaving. He wonders what she's doing now. She must be nearing Stars Hollow, if not already there. It feels like a lifetime ago since Jess asked her to go with him, and they drove away in the night. He should have never have asked her to go. Thinking about that brings the pain back and Jess takes a big swig of beer, and another. He only stops when he reaches for a bottle and misses, hand swaying across the table. To say he's drunk too much is one hell of an understatement. Jess stares at the bottles, seeing them double back and forth as he blinks, and then pushes his chair back. Carefully, he gets up and makes a wavering route to the bedroom before falling diagonally across the bed. Closing his eyes, Jess gives into sleep with relief, the drinking dousing any chance of dreams.

Pain is what wakes Jess up but it's not from before. His head is pounding, the light in the room blinding and when Jess opens his eyes he instantly screws them shut again.

"Jesus!"

Jess can't move. His mouth is dry, tasting like a sandbox. The aridity reminds Jess of a hot night spent sleeping in his car somewhere in Iowa, and how he felt like he was in an oven. This is ten times worse. He'd had a bottle of water, even if he had to ration it, and at least his head didn't feel like there was a jackhammer in it. Rory would not be impressed.

Thinking of her isn't helping the sick sensation in his stomach. Jess wrenches his thoughts away from her. Water will help. He just has to make it to the refrigerator. Slowly, Jess gets up onto unsteady legs but after two steps he knows the kitchen is too far. Clapping a hand over his mouth, he moves to the bathroom instead and not a second too soon. Jess hasn't even fully knelt down before vomit is hurling out of him, thankfully into the toilet. He's sick three times before shakily lifting his head. God, he's a moron. What did he drink like that for? _Liz _drinks like that. Jess draws a shaky breath, not wishing to linger on her, and his eyes catch sight of Rory's toothbrush which she left behind. There's also a box of sanitary towels in the corner. At first she was so shy about leaving them out, not that Jess really cared, and then at some point Rory got more comfortable. It was like that, Jess thinks. They were awkward at first, him and her, stumbling around what to say. And then one day it was almost like they'd lived together for years. Why can't Jess remember the exact moment? Why didn't he pay more attention? If he'd tried, maybe he'd have stopped it all from falling apart. But he messed up, like he always does, and now Rory's gone for good. Another wave of vomit comes and Jess doesn't fight it. He's sick several more times before weakly lying on the bathroom floor. He doesn't care that he can't remember when he last cleaned it. Closing his eyes, Jess drifts off until he wakes with a coughing fit. His mouth tastes worse than a sandbox now. Getting up, Jess manages to wash his face and brush his teeth without mishap. This time, he makes it to the refrigerator where he gets a bottle of water, the icy taste merciful in his throat. Once he finishes it, Jess notices his cellphone on the table and, heart clenching, checks it. Nothing. He starts dialling Rory's number, desperate to hear her voice, and then Jess stops, putting the phone down. It's going to be last year all over again where she answers, he hangs up, in an endless loop, until one of them says something. And what's Jess going to say? His thoughts are interrupted by a banging on the door. Jess wonders if it's Lorelai with a pitchfork. He's not so sure he'd stop her.

"Jess! Open up, it's Luke."

His uncle's voice is muffled through the door. Jess hesitates, considering not answering. Presumably Luke would eventually give up, but then what? Luke would come back and besides, what's Jess so eager to avoid? Luke can't make him feel worse than he already does. Jess gets to his feet, wincing at the sudden movement and goes over to the door. He opens it to see Luke wearing an expression of more concern than anger and he says bluntly, "Jess, you look like hell."

"Gee, thanks."

Luke follows Jess into the apartment, a box of food in his arms. and sits down at the table, wrinkling his nose. He puts the box on the table and Jess pushes it more to the side. The sight of food isn't helping his nausea.

"What's that smell?"

"Drank a little too much." Jess needs a shower too, his shirt from last night sticking to his chest.

"A lot too much," Luke remarks and then he exclaims, "What happened to your hand?"

Jess had forgotten about it and glances down to see bruises peppering the knuckles.

"I hit a wall," he says blankly and Luke says, "I'm assuming you mean literally."

Jess doesn't smile. He stares down at his hand and shakes his head when Luke says, "It looks bad."

"It's fine," Jess says in a tight voice. "Nothing's broken."

"Are you okay?" Luke asks but Jess doesn't reply. He clenches his sore hand and hears his uncle sigh.

"Jess, I'm sorry about that Rory left."

"Lorelai's threatening to kill me, huh?" Jess asks. He tries to sound light and doesn't fully succeed. Luke sighs again.

"I don't know exactly what happened," he says and Jess looks back up. "I only know Rory came home. Lorelai came into the diner this morning, saying she wanted to bring Rory breakfast and she'd got back last night, and that you two weren't together. I don't think Rory was up to coming into the diner."

"Does Lorelai know what happened?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

Luke's tone is gentle but Jess still hesitates.

"Jess, come on."

"It wasn't working," Jess says eventually. "I wanted it to, but...everything was okay. Kind of. And then..." Jess stops, unsure if he should admit it, but he's too tired to care. "Rory thought she was pregnant."

"What?" Luke's voice is so loud Jess feels it reverberate through his skull and he exclaims, "Jeez!"

"You got her pregnant?" Luke demands, getting to his feet. "I warned you, if you don't take responsibility right now I'll -"

"She isn't pregnant!" Jess exclaims, his head aching. "She took a test and it was negative."

Luke sinks back down into the chair, still not looking happy.

"How could you be so stupid?" he asks. "You know how this stuff works."

"That the technical term?"

"Don't get smart with me. I thought you knew enough to be careful."

"We were," Jess protests weakly. "Mostly."

Luke snorts but he doesn't seem as angry as before.

"You promise she's not pregnant?"

"Yes. I swear. But can you do me a favour and not tell Lorelai? I want to live to my next birthday."

"Rory will tell her," Luke says seriously. "Lorelai won't hear it from me but I don't think Rory will keep it secret from her. Those two tell each other everything."

Not everything, Jess wants to argue, but he shrugs. He and Luke are silent for a moment until Luke asks, "So she left because of that?"

"It wasn't just that," Jess says honestly. "We didn't have a plan. Rory hated waitressing, living here. She wanted to move someplace new and I...we were kidding ourselves. We wanted it to work."

Jess waits and then says, "This is the part where you say you told me it'd end up like this."

"I'm not saying that, Jess."

"You're thinking it."

"Jess. I just want to hear what happened."

"That _is_ what happened. Rory decided to go back to school, you'll be happy to know. She asked me to go with her and I said no."

Saying the words out loud hurts and, for a horrible moment, Jess is sure he's going to cry. He swallows hard and says, "She thought I could enroll on some course in New Haven, live with her there."

"And you turned her down."

"Where's going to take me?" Jess asks angrily. "A community college, maybe, but Luke, even if I could go to another college, I can't. It's not what I want to do. I want Rory to go back to school, that's where she's meant to be. But I'm not meant to be there."

"So where are you supposed to be?"

"I don't know," Jess says sincerely. He feels like he's going to cry again. "I ruined everything. I didn't want to hurt her."

"Jess."

"Just tell me I'm an idiot, would you?"

"You love her," Luke says and Jess nods. It's not a question. Jess looks at Luke and says furiously, "Yell at me. Say all the stuff you're thinking. That I should never have asked her to go, that I'm a loser, that I was never good enough of her. Just say it!"

"I'm not going to say it," Luke tells him. His eyes are soft as he says, "I don't think you should have asked her to go, and maybe both of you were a little stupid, but I don't think the rest."

Jess shakes his head. "You kept saying she shouldn't have gone with me, that she should be doing more."

"Rory's in Yale."

"And I'm here."

"Jess. "

"It's true, right?"

"Your lives are different," Luke says slowly. "It doesn't mean you can't do something great."

Rory's similar words sound in Jess's mind and a lump forms in his throat.

"If she hadn't taken that test..."

"Then all your problems would have gone away?" Luke asks drily. "Come on, Jess."

"I wish I'd gone with her," Jess says abruptly. "Even if I'd hate New Haven I'd be with Rory."

"You said there's nothing there for you."

"There's her."

Luke sighs, looking tired, and Jess feels uncomfortable, like when he was given a talk during living over the diner.

"You need to figure out what you want to do," Luke says eventually. "And that process isn't always fun, or exactly how you want it, but you need a plan that's going to work. And Jess, I know you love Rory, but what would you do in New Haven? I think if you did sit down and study whatever it was you wanted to do you could do it, but you said it yourself, you know that's not for you."

"I could have found a job."

"And then what?"

Jess shrugs and Luke leans forward. "I believe in being there for people," he says. "I think if you commit to something, you commit, but you've got to see the big picture - jeez, that sounds hokey, but you get what I'm saying."

Jess nods and Luke goes on, "I don't think you'd be happy there. I know you love Rory but I think you'd be miserable, and she'd be miserable because you were miserable, and neither of those things are great for a relationship. Neither of you would be happy. Correct me if this is sounding wrong."

Jess can't. It's all the reasons he didn't want to go with Rory but he says insistently, "I want to be with her."

"Jess, you and Rory are so young. Don't look at me like that, it's true. You've both got some growing up to do but what's to stop you figuring it out when you're older?"

"It's not now," Jess says stubbornly. He knows he sounds as young as Luke says but in that moment he doesn't care, and his uncle puts his hand on his arm.

"Time goes a lot faster than you think. Right now isn't forever."

Jess nods, unable to speak. He doesn't need to be reminded that right now doesn't last. _Right now _was yesterday morning, when he and Rory were in bed together. Jess was making love to her and now he might never touch her again. He already misses her blue eyes, her smile, all of Rory. He doesn't voice such thoughts to Luke but manages to say, "I shouldn't have asked her. It's hell, missing Rory like this."

Luke is silent and Jess glances up, feeling suddenly shy at admitting it all.

"Don't get me wrong," Luke says. "I don't think it was that smart to ask her, and for you two to live like this, but you knew you loved her. I'm with Lorelai, I'm all in, but do you know how many years it took me to wake up and tell her? I'd hint here and there, hope a lot, but neither of us did anything about it. We were scared. I guess you're safer if you never take a chance but you don't live much either."

"Hey," Jess says, a little thrown by the seriousness. "You've never been into the whole bucket list thing - I didn't think big risks were your thing."

"I guess not," Luke says thoughtfully. "Never had an urge to jump out of an airplane, but I personally think the whole thing is kind of dumb and I'm not desperate to try it. But I live a safe life...my parents weren't exactly adventurous but they never made changes, never communicated, and they died young. How did staying the same help them? I said I was going to be more responsible, know what I was doing, but I hold onto things too much sometimes. Change is a lot for me. I made my dad's hardware store into a diner and that was the biggest risk I took for over a decade."

"It's a great diner," Jess says and then instantly cringes at himself. It was supposed to be encouraging and came out stupid, but Luke laughs.

"It is at that. And that's my point, Jess...sometimes risks work out, sometimes they don't, but you don't know unless you try."

"This didn't," Jess says simply and Luke puts his hand back on Jess's arm.

"You might not regret it, someday, when you're old like me."

Jess rolls his eyes but says, "You're not that old, Luke."

"Maybe," Luke says. He smiles but is serious as he says, "You might be better at taking risks romantically, but what about the rest? I know you don't want to go to school, but you're smart. I was the Einstein of the clan until you came along and Jess, you're five times as bright as your uncle - bookwise, that is, so don't get too cocky. But I mean it, you could do so much more than this. I don't want to see you still living here five years, ten years from now."

Jess bites his lip, giving the slightest of nods. He glances around the room and says, "Me neither."

It's strangely intense to say aloud but as soon as the words are out Jess knows they're true. He knew it already, said as much to Rory, but it feels different saying it to Luke. He doesn't want to drift around anymore, work the menial jobs he takes. He wants to do _something_.

"Good," Luke says, and he gives his nephew's arm a squeeze. "You can come back with me if you like. I promise I won't let Lorelai kill you."

"No," Jess says, and it's not just the fear of Lorelai, or seeing Rory. "I want to stay here. I mean, I don't _want _to stay, but -"

"I understand," Luke says gently and smiles as Jess says, "Besides, isn't Lorelai staying over? Wouldn't want to cramp your style."

"I've got style?"

"Something like that."

They smile at each other and Jess allows Luke to pull him into a hug as they get up.

"I'm here, Jess - I'm always here. And I'll help."

"I know you will," Jess says quietly. "Thanks, Luke."

They hug a moment longer and then Luke steps away, lifting his hand in farewell.

"See you, Jess."

"See you, Luke."


	32. Chapter 32

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory drives down the road in a daze. She moves the car on automatic pilot, not checking or caring how long it takes to bring her back, the journey silent. Rory's thoughts are deafening but drowning them with music would be worse.

Stars Hollow is mercifully quiet as Rory pulls up to her mother's house. It is only as she stops the car that Rory pauses, staring up at her old home. How can she go inside, explain what happened? Rory allows herself a moment. It's a soft night in Stars Hollow, the kind she never noticed before. Rory has a whole summer of loud New York nights inside her, a ragged kind of darkness. She looks and looks at Lorelai's house until finally Rory forces herself to into action. Slowly, she walks up the path but before she can decide between knocking or using her key the front door is flung open and Lorelai stares at her.

"Rory?"

"Mom..."

"I heard footsteps," Lorelai says, gazing at her daughter. "I had a feeling...Rory, what's going on?"

Rory opens her mouth to speak but her voice catches into sobs again. She puts a hand to her eyes, trying to stop them, but all she can do is cry harder. Lorelai puts her arms around her, kissing her cheek and finally Rory is able to sob, "It's over."

"Oh honey. It's okay."

It's not, Rory wants to cry. Nothing will ever be okay again, but she doesn't voice it. Instead she tries to swallow her tears to no avail, and allows Lorelai to lead her into the house.

"Coffee," Lorelai says, her words forcefully upbeat. "That's a start. I'll whip up a pot right now."

Rory nods, numbly sitting on the couch. Everything looks the same. There's no reason why it shouldn't, she supposes, but it feels wrong. Rory looks around the bright walls with blurred eyes and tries to smile as her mother brings her a cup of steaming coffee.

"Thanks, Mom."

"Are you okay?" Lorelai asks gently and Rory shakes her head. She doesn't elaborate, instead taking a scalding sip of coffee. It's far too hot but Rory welcomes the burning. She sips some more but, as Lorelai cradles her arm around her, Rory breaks into tears again. She puts the cup down and lets herself cry properly, loud tears which splatter all down her shirt and Lorelai's too. Her mother strokes her hair, gently comforting her, and Rory leans into Lorelai. It's a relief to let her hold her. Lorelai lets Rory cry it out, kissing her cheeks, and gently asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Rory says tearfully. "I just want to sleep."

"It might make you feel better to talk about it."

A wave of exhaustion has hit Rory and she shakes her head, the wound too fresh.

"I can't - not now."

"Sweets -"

"Mom, I can't," Rory insists, afraid that she's going to cry again. "I _can't_."

"Oh Rory. It's okay. You'll feel better once you've had some sleep and obscene amount of food inside you."

Rory highly doubts that, although a large breakfast sounds good, in spite of it all. She kisses her mother goodnight and says quietly, "Thanks, Mom."

"Goodnight angel."

Lorelai leaves her to get ready for bed and Rory discovers she's left her toothbrush behind. That fact makes her burst out crying all over again, but she doesn't want Lorelai to see her. Rory turns the taps on full blast until the tears stop, staring at herself in the mirror. Her face is red and crumpled and tired, and it feels odd to see it so clearly. They had half a mirror in the apartment and it was completely smeared. Thinking of that makes Rory think back to New York, back to Jess, and furiously she splashes water over her face until her tears are thoroughly gone. Changing into some old pyjamas in the drawer, Rory slips into bed and stares up at the ceiling for a moment. It doesn't feel real that she's here. Rory remembers her first night in the apartment, how she wasn't sure she could ever sleep there. Right now Rory doesn't think she can sleep in her mother's house either, particularly not with her heart so tangled, but as soon as she switches the lamp off Rory falls into a deep, drowning sleep and wakes late the next morning.

A sound outside wakes Rory and for a moment she blinks, lost as to where she is. After a moment she remembers and uncomfortably shifts up to sit in the bed. Rory's never felt out of place sleeping in her old bedroom before, even when she moved to Yale. The dorm never felt likes hers and Lorelai's house was still firmly Rory's home. Now, she's not so sure. Rory doesn't think she has any kind of home and, suddenly, she's unsteady, wondering where her next place will be. What if she never feels at home again? Rory's musings are broken by a knock on the door and Lorelai entering with a careful smile.

"Good morning, sweets."

"Hey, Mom."

Lorelai sits on the chair opposite her daughter's bed, looking as lost as Rory for a moment.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Good," Rory admits, surprised at the fact and nods when Lorelai asks, "Do you feel a little better? How about pancakes from Luke's?"

"I don't think I want to go the diner," Rory says quietly and Lorelai gets up, putting a hand on Rory's arm.

"I'll bring it back here. You can just stay in bed and relax."

_Wallow_, Rory thinks, but she nods, trying to smile. She wonders if Luke knows, unsure if she wants him to or not. After her mother's gone Rory slowly gets out of bed, body exhausted despite the deep sleep. She left most of her stuff in the car but Rory finds an old hairbrush which she runs through her hair before taking a long, hot shower. It feels luxurious after the one in the apartment, but Rory can't really enjoy it. She pulls on some old jeans and a sweatshirt before going out to the car and getting out the boxes. Rory casts a nervous glance around but thankfully no neighbours appear to be out, not that Rory imagines it'll make an iota of difference. Doubtlessly Miss Patty has already spread word all over town that Rory's back. Biting her lip, Rory closes the car, its scar shining in the sunlight. Surely that's been gossiped about too.

Bringing the boxes inside, Rory dumps them in the bedroom before going back into the living room and finding her purse. Cautiously, she checks her cellphone and is both sad and relieved that there's nothing new on it. Jess hasn't tried to call her once. Rory puts it down, making some coffee, but her eyes stray back to the phone as she sips and finally Rory picks it up. She starts dialling Jess's number, still a little amused that he got around to getting one, but stops herself from completing it. What's the point if he answers? What can Jess say that's going to change things? There's nothing he or she can say. Rory holds the phone tightly in her hands, wondering about Jess, hoping he's okay. Part of her wants to call just to known he is, but how can he be? And what can Rory say to help?

The door opens, breaking Rory from her reverie, and she drops the phone with a jump.

"Hey, hon," Lorelai says brightly. "I thought you'd still be in bed!"

"Got restless," Rory says simply and her mother nods. "Something smells good!"

"I come bearing chocolate chip pancakes with strawberries and I got Luke to throw in a few waffles too!"

"Great!" Rory exclaims. She smiles, but it feels weak, and asks, "Did Luke know that...?"

"No," Lorelai says gently. "He wants to know if you're okay."

Rory shrugs and Lorelai sits besides her, saying, "I told him you will be."

Rory doesn't want to answer that. Instead, she focuses on opening the bags of food and Lorelai loudly announces that she's going to make more coffee. As she brings the cups over, mother and daughter eat and drink silently, to Rory's relief, until finally Lorelai pushes the last of the food away and looks at her daughter.

"Do you feel ready to talk about it?"

"I don't think I ever will," Rory says honenstly, hating the sad look her mother gives her.

"Can you try?" she asks softly. "I know how much it hurts, but it hurts more if you don't."

Rory pauses, staring at the cup in her hand so she won't have to look up. She's very aware of Lorelai's eyes on her and finally Rory says, "It was hard."

She feels Lorelai put her arm around her and Rory swallows before saying, "There was the stuff I told you about - it was hot and dirty and the waitressing gig sucked - but some other stuff happened."

"What stuff?" Lorelai asks gently. "Rory?"

Rory hesitates, considering brushing her mother off. She doesn't want a lecture, endless rounds of _I told you so_, but it's heavy, holding it all in and Rory misses sharing things with Lorelai. She takes a deep breath and says, "I thought I was pregnant."

There's a sound of Lorelai sucking in her breath and nervously Rory looks up. Her mother's arm has tightened around her and Lorelai says, "_Rory_."

"I'm not," Rory says quickly, looking into her mother's eyes. "I promise."

"You're _sure_?"

"I took a test and it was negative."

"How did this happen?" Lorelai asks and then she gives an awkward laugh. "Well. I know how."

"We were being careful," Rory tells her. "I went on the pill, but we didn't always use condoms."

Lorelai sighs and Rory steels herself, but no lecture comes. Instead, her mother cups her chin and says, "Are you okay?"

"It was scary but I'm okay."

"And that's why you broke up?"

Rory nods but it's not just that, she thinks. She wants it to be - that they simply freaked out over a pregnancy scare - but Rory knows it was more. A lump swells in her throat and, blinking away some tears, Rory pours herself more coffee, and then more for her mother.

"Thanks," Lorelai says. She takes a sip, strokes some of Rory's hair back from her face, and says softly, "This was for the best."

"How?" Rory asks angrily. She drinks coffee to stall more crying and Lorelai sighs.

"I know it doesn't feel like it right now, and it doesn't feel like you'll ever be okay again. But you will, I promise. We all date guys like this Rory, it's a rite of passage. Now you've got Jess out of your system you can move on."

"No!" Rory exclaims, slamming her cup down with a slop of coffee. "It wasn't - Jess was some _rite of passage_."

"Hon, I've been there!"

"No you haven't!"

"I had you!" Lorelai exclaims. "I dated a few mysterious seeming guys, loved taking risks with them, and the guy I took most risks with is your dad! I was a kid once, that was what I wanted, and then when I had you I knew I needed more. And Rory, you'll see what I mean after a little time and distance. You will."

"It's not the same," Rory says, vehemently shaking her head. "I loved Jess."

"I loved Christopher!"

"Dad isn't Jess!" Rory shouts. "Dad never committed to you, to anything! You held onto him for years because you wanted him to be more!"

"Hey!"

"I'm not you!"

_"Rory!_" Lorelai looks like she's been slapped, but after a second she composes herself, taking a deep breath.

"I know how much you're hurting," she says. "I know you're mad at me for saying all this, and I get it, I seriously do. I know you still love Jess. I know you want to believe in him."

"I _do_ believe in him!"

"Rory," Lorelai says sadly and Rory yearns to blindly run away, out of the house, of the town and away from everyone's judgements of Jess. If she tells Lorelai he can do more, she'll want to know how. And Rory doesn't have an answer. She'll simply be told it's her youth assuring her, nothing more.

"I'm going to back to school," Rory says with a sniffle, hearing her mother sigh in relief. "Jess wanted that...you should know that."

"I did," Lorelai says softly. "There's something we both agree on, at least."

Rory can't smile but she does manage a watery giggle as Lorelai adds, "Now I can call Paris back and let her know she doesn't need to form some kind of rescue mission, as she called it. I got a somewhat disturbing phonecall from her a few ago."

"I bet," Rory says, wiping her eyes. Lorelai smiles at her.

"Angel, you're going to have so much in your life. What I'm saying, is that you can put this behind you - this whole summer, that pregnancy scare, this mistake. You can learn from it."

She doesn't want to put it behind her, Rory wants to say. Jess is so much more than Lorelai's saying, but how can she promise it? Rory has no idea where Jess is going to go, what he's going to do, and right now everything hurts so much that going with him does feel like a mistake. It's too soon to know if she regrets it. Rory feels herself starting to cry again and Lorelai kisses her cheek.

"You'll meet some great guy," she promises. "Someone better."

Rory has already met him, she thinks tearfully. She can't imagine being with anyone else, loving anyone else. Her body already feels lonely and Rory can't imagine waking up with another person's warmth wrapped around her. She doesn't want to. If loving someone hurts this much Rory never wants to love anyone again.

"What do you say to a whole day of watching the dumbest, cheesiest movies ever?" Lorelai says, and Rory blinks, thankful not having to voice her thoughts.

She remembers when Dean broke up with her, back when she was sixteen, and how wallowing had helped her then. It's not helping now, and Rory wishes she could be that young again, let her mother take all her pain. Still, an afternoon of movies is preferable to allowing the ache to hold her all day.

"That sounds good," Rory says sincerely. She sniffles as her mother starts listing choices, sounding happy to be discussing something light, but the two are distracted by the phone. It's something to do with the Dragonfly and Rory is relieved when her mother takes the call onto the porch. Eating the last poptart left on the plate, Rory lets her mind wander to Jess, to New York. She'd be getting ready for her shift, and Rory sits up, dropping the poptart. Hastily, she grabs her cellphone and calls the cafe. Maya answers on the first ring.

"What do you want?" she asks briskly and Rory shrinks back, wondering if she's already mad, before Maya adds angrily, "Are you trying to give me an order? I keep telling you slobs we don't do delivery, you've got to come here if you want something!"

"Maya," Rory says, taking a deep breath, "It's Rory. Rory Gilmore."

"Kiddo, I don't know any other Rorys and I forgot your last name the second after you told me anyway. What's up?"

"I can't come in."

"You sick or something?"

"No - I can't come in again ever," Rory says, sensing the burning tears again. "I left - I moved back home. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it all just kind of happened, and I can't make my shift."

There's a startled pause and then a bark of laughter. Rory frowns into the phone.

"No kidding," Maya says. "I'm proud of you, kid."

"You are?"

"Kind of pissed that you've left me short-staffed but I never figured you for a lifer, and a good thing you're not. This place wasn't good for you. That first day, when you asked me for _a soda or something_, I wanted to tell you that, when you said you needed a job."

"You remember meeting me?" Rory is oddly touched and Maya snorts down the line.

"I've had a few wide-eyed kids come in, and you were the first in a while. You looked like that kid cartoon, the one where the deer gets a helping of bullets?"

"That's his mom."

"Whatever - you were like the kid deer."

"Bambi?"

"Yeah, Bambi. And honestly, I thought you'd be the one to get slaughtered - not, like, literally - you know what I mean. But I was kind of surprised, you handled it eventually."

"Thanks," Rory says, unsure if she's insulted or not, and Maya adds, "I never wanted you to stay here, competent or not. You going back to school?"

"Yeah," Rory says quietly. "I'm at my mom's now."

"Good," Maya says gently. "It was good knowing you, kid. Look after yourself."

"Thanks for giving me a chance," Rory says. "I know I sucked at first."

Maya laughs at that and says, "You did, but you weren't so bad in the end. You'll be okay, Rory."

"Thanks," Rory says, smiling into the phone. "Bye, Maya."

"Bye."

The call ends with a loud click and Rory holds onto it for a moment. She doesn't think she'll ever see Maya again and the thought makes her sad. Maya would tell her to get over herself. Maybe someday, if she's ever in New York, Rory can drop in to see her, but she can't imagine it - wanting to go back to the city, back to the neighbourhood. And it would be weird if she did. Shaking herself, Rory puts the phone down and goes to the bathroom, a glance outside showing Lorelai still arguing on the phone. Shutting the door, Rory sits on the toilet and gasps in surprise. There is blood in her underwear. Her period has finally made an appearance, a day too late. Rory doesn't try to stop the tears which start down her cheeks. If it had come before she'd noticed she was late, this wouldn't have happened - she'd still be in New York, happy, Jess making coffee for them and joking that he may as well just pour water in the bag. Everything would be okay. The scare, their fight and her leaving would be erased and they'd be happy. Still, Rory knows miserably, it was more than this. If she hadn't had the scare something else would've split them. It's not like they could have stayed in that apartment forever and fresh tears join the spilled ones as Rory remembers Jess turning down her plan, her desperate way for them to stay together. She can't tell Lorelai that. If she says Jess wasn't worth it, it'll hurt even more. Rory doesn't know which is worse, her mother being so staunch or Jess having no faith in himself. Angrily, she blinks away the tears, changes her underwear and forcefully scrubs at her hands.

For a wild moment, Rory wishes she'd been pregnant after all. At least that would bind them. But even as she thinks it, Rory knows that's crazy. She wouldn't even have stayed pregnant and besides, a baby is no guarantee. She and Jess couldn't have been parents but all the same Rory sobs, staring at her reflection. She would have had part of Jess, even for a moment, and her period is a reminder that he's gone, her body has sloughed off all him, it's over in every way and Rory cries and cries.

"Rory?"

"In here!" Rory manages to call, turning the taps harder so the water drowns her tears. "I'm coming!"

Rory splashes water over her face and takes a deep breath, checking that all evidence of crying has disappeared before going out.

"You okay?" Lorelai asks and Rory nods, managing to smile.

"Everything okay at the inn?"

"Fine - some stupid meltdown over linen."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Hey, Mom called after Michel and I answered before I saw who was calling. I swear Emily has a sixth sense - we've barely spoken all summer and now she calls. Mom kind of got it out of me that you were back."

Rory bites her lip and Lorelai adds, "She's happy you're home and you're going back to school. Mom want us to come over, but I managed to hold her off until Friday. Tradition, right?"

"Tradition," Rory agrees, not allowing her voice to wobble. Her mother looks at her kindly, putting her hands on her shoulders.

"Hey," Lorelai says. "It's going to be okay, I swear. This year can be a complete fresh start. That sounds good, right?"

"I guess," Rory says and Lorelai nods, satisfied.

"It'll be good for you. Come on - let's go start a movie and order more food. That's the real tradition we should stick to and we've got a whole summer of movies to make up for."

Rory smiles, following her mother into the living room and feeling dazed. Traditions and changes swim in front of her, leaving Rory lost. Where is she supposed to start over from, she silently ponders. Rory takes a deep breath, exhaling as she imagines an impossible fresh start. She has to move on and Rory walks uncertainly, unable to write her next chapter.


	33. Chapter 33

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Jess wakes up the next morning, automatically reaching for Rory. His arm rolls across the empty bed and Jess lies there, lost for a moment. He turns onto his back and stares at the dirty ceiling, vaguely wondering if any new cracks have joined the jagged line since Jess moved in. Someday the whole thing might crash in. Jess lies still before tearing his eyes away from the scuffed marks, hauling himself out of bed and onto unsteady feet. Robotically, he brushes his teeth and takes a shower, not caring that the water stubbornly refuses to turn warm. The icy rush wakes him up. After throwing on some jeans and a shirt, Jess makes a meagre breakfast. There's a reasonable amount of food thanks to the box Luke left but Jess doesn't feel like eating. He scoffs his piece of toast and a cup of coffee, which Jess drinks three sips of before pouring away. Coffee makes him think of Rory and Jess forces his thoughts away from her, and all the mornings they spent drinking coffee together in bed or at the window. Jess drank his slowly, but Rory was impatient, burning her lips and laughing. She'd be running late for work and gulp down the coffee, scalding her throat but not caring. I have to drink coffee she'd insist at Jess's look. _It's what helps me do the talking and walking thing! _Plus, Jess suspected, it gave her a little courage before her shifts. Jess hates that Rory's gone but glad that she never has to work in that cafe again.

Jess doesn't know what to do after he finishes eating. Time never felt too much with Rory there, but now the day yawns around him. What did Jess do before he was with Rory, before he moved to Stars Hollow? He went out, he thinks. Rode the subway, explored. That was enough, back then. Jess doesn't want to spend his days on that anymore. He told Luke he wanted to do something more, but is still figuring out what the more is going to look like. Jess looks around the mostly empty room, the few pieces of furniture stark and sad. He's got to get out of this apartment. Picking up his keys, Jess puts on his shoes and starts to leave and, after a second of hesitation, goes back into the bedroom and picks up his notebook. He notices that the bedroom still holds Rory's scent. Jess doesn't know how much is simply his memory than actuality, but it hurts to go in and, clutching the book, he hurries back out. It hurts to think of Rory in any sense. She could have had his baby. Jess is so relieved she wasn't pregnant he felt weak, and it's not as if either of them wanted it, but he allows himself to wonder for a moment, a note of him and her and who it would have been. But it would never have been anything, he thinks roughly, and it doesn't make a difference. Everything's over and Rory's gone.

The dank air wraps around Jess as he starts along the street, but there's a cool touch to it that wasn't there before. The scent is hardly fresh though and Jess walks a little faster, impatient to get out of it. It's worse at this time, as the morning heats the sidewalks, and Jess sidesteps a beer bottle which lies close to a suspicious looking puddle. Jeez. Jess always thought Stars Hollow was a nightmare of 1950s suburbia, but at least the streets were clean, even if in a freakish kind of way. Rory must be grateful for that. Is she happy to be back in that town, ready to sign up for the next bizarre pageant the place throws? Most likely, but something gives Jess pause. She didn't seem as in love with it as she did when Jess first met her. Maybe it was Yale, maybe it was living here, but Rory wasn't quite the poster girl for it that she'd once been. Maybe it's just getting older. Hell, Jess isn't calling New York home either. This place runs through his veins but is no longer intrinsic to him. Perhaps that's how it is for Rory, Stars Hollow no longer as sure. Jess shakes himself. Damn, why do his thoughts keep leading back to her. As he glances up he sees he's almost at the cafe where she once worked and Jess stops, his heart sinking. He should tell the manager - Maya, he remembers - that Rory's gone. Jess strongly wants to just walk away. She'll figure it out, fairly fast, that Rory's left, and Jess highly doubts many staff there bother to even mention it, but Jess goes in anyway. Rory would want him to, he thinks. What the hell - it'll take a minute.

The door and windows are filthy, not giving Jess much hope for what's inside. The cafe is dimly lit, the greasy tables practically shining, and a woman with tired curls barks at Jess, "We're out of fries."

"I don't want anything."

"Get out then."

There's that New York hospitality, Jess thinks wryly. He looks at the woman and asks, "Are you Maya?"

"What's it to you?"

"If you are, my girlfriend -" Jess's voice wobbles and, furious with himself, he says, "_Rory _works here. She did, I mean - she's left town. She's not working here anymore."

"Thanks Einstein, I figured that out for myself," Maya retorts but there's a twinkle in her eye. "I know."

"You know?"

"Take a seat. Your girlfriend called me."

Jess doesn't take a seat but his hand finds a chair, gripping the back of it.

"Rory called you? You talked to her?"

"I did. I appreciated it -most kids just skip out on me and that's that."

"How did she sound?" Jess asks before he can stop himself and Maya looks at him, half-pitying and half-amused.

"She sounded kind of sad. Is that what you want to hear?"

Jess shrugs. "Forget it."

Maya examines him, making Jess squirm slightly.

"So you're the boyfriend," she says thoughtfully. "I'm glad Rory left...I told her she could do more than some guy."

"I'm not _some guy_!" Jess shouts, letting go of the chair. "I'm not - I wasn't just some guy!"

Maya blinks, surprised, and then says, "You sound like you love her."

"I don't _sound_ like it," Jess mumbles. Maya's staring at him, her eyes sad, and Jess can't bear it. "Forget it - I'm leaving."

"Hey kid - listen."

Against his better judgement Jess stops and Maya says gently, "I don't think you're a bad guy."

"Rory talk a lot about me?"

"No - call it a sixth sense, or whatever. I know you care about her, you love her. That's more than most of the boyfriends I've seen, even the better ones. That's something."

"Great," Jess says bitterly. "Doesn't really matter either way, huh? Rory's gone, we're not together, and now I can't hold her back anymore. Everyone can have a party."

"What's your name?"

"Jess," Jess tells her, surprised into admitting it, and Maya nods.

"Rory told me once but it didn't stick. Jess, listen. You think you were holding her back? I think maybe you were right."

"Gee, thanks."

"I think _here_ was holding her back - not you. Not just you. That make sense?"

Jess isn't sure it does but Maya continues, "You're a kid, just like her. Maybe you have a shot to do something bigger too. And you love her. Don't get so stuck in feeling sorry for yourself that you never do anything. Figure out your shit and who knows, maybe you two will work it out. Crazier things have happened."

"You think it'll fix everything, just like that?"

"No," Maya says impatiently. "I don't know you from Adam. I don't know if you'll even see Rory again, and God knows I'm hardly your woman for relationship advice- honestly, I don't really care if you work it out with her or not. I'm just saying you should figure things out for yourself. Focus on that, not losing your girlfriend."

"Why are you trying to be my shrink?" Jess is more curious than annoyed and Maya shrugs, sounding sheepish as she says, "Guess you caught me on a good day. I'm soft-hearted, or whatever you want to call it."

"Thanks." Jess doesn't know what to say so, awkwardly, he turns to leave, nodding at her.

"She was a sweet kid, Rory," Maya calls as Jess reaches the door. "You seem like a sweet kid too! I'm sure of it."

Jess isn't sure what it is exactly she's sure of, and it feels strange being called sweet, but he doesn't go back to ask. Strangely, he doesn't mind being referred to that way. If anyone in Stars Hollow called him a _sweet kid _Jess would do something creative with their lawn. Moot point though, he figures. No one there would be calling him that anyway - to them, he was Holden Caulfield's cousin.

Jess wanders around the city until his shift at the restaurant. He finds some change in his pocket and rides the subway, like he used to, getting off at a random stop and and walking new streets. It's familiar and disconcerting at the same time. Jess wishes Rory was exploring with him. She's not, he thinks angrily, and there's no point wanting it, but there's a sad tug at his heart all the same. Finding a coffeeshop, Jess sits down and, once his drink is brought over, Jess gets out his notebook. It's started to rain outside and Jess welcomes it, the sound of the water soothing his thoughts. He flicks through the pages, reading his notes, and gulps coffee between sentences. Some of it's not bad. Some of it's pretty good. He can write, Jess thinks. He might not be into the college thing, want to sit through classes, but he's smart. Jess is good at this writing thing. Maybe, in this fog he's found himself in, that's something to hold onto. Jess reads through the whole notebook, his heart clenching at any reference to Rory. He's written most of all about her blue eyes. Those were what first held him, he remembers, his first night in Stars Hollow and that joke of a dinner. He wandered into her bedroom and there she was, the girl in the photo he'd just held seconds before. _Rory. _Her blue eyes shone as she smiled and Jess was lost before he even knew it. He talked to her, picking up her books and making conversation, writing notes in Rory's margins, wanting to know all of her story. She was someone worth staying for.

Jess stays in the coffeeshop until he starts getting dirty looks. It's time to go to work anyhow and, thankfully, the rain has ceased to a gentle drizzle. Jess takes the subway back, walking to the restaurant in a daze, and when Brad nudges him, he asks, "What's up?"

"I broke up with Rory."

"Miss Yale left?" Brad says dumbly, mouth hanging open. "Man, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Jess hates saying stuff like that, when things are utterly not okay, but it doesn't feel like a lie. He doesn't feel as terrible as before.

"I'm not surprised," Brad says honestly, and this time Jess does have a slight urge to punch him. "But I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well. It's what it is."

Brad looks at him but doesn't ask for details and Jess doesn't give any. They work in silence and finally Jess admits, "I'm going to quit."

"What?"

"I'm going to leave," Jess says firmly, turning to look at him. "Maybe not right now, but soon, I think. I am. I'm going to go."

"Go where?"

"I don't know. I just know I'm going to leave."

Brad stares at him and finally asks, "How come?"

"It's time."

"For what?"

"I don't know," Jess says honestly. "Just time for me to do something new."

Brad starts a barrage of questions which Jess deflects until, mercifully, it's the end of his shift. Jess declines an invitation to join Brad and some buddies for beer and walks home, the cool air stronger on his cheeks this time. The season is turning. It's been a year, Jess realises, since he was in California and summer ended. The season was over there, the season is over here, and it's time to move on. Jess hopes he's moving towards something better. Once back in the apartment, he makes a quick dinner from the food Luke left, and looks around. The memories are stinging. He's got to leave this place, he thinks, and vacating his apartment is too halting a step. Maybe it's time to leave the city. Jess wishes he could go right now but, as it is, he takes a deep breath and gets out his notebook. Turning to a fresh page, Jess picks up a pen and writes _The Subsect_. He's not even sure what that means but it feels right. Jess is ready to explore the rest.


	34. Chapter 34

**Thanks for the feedback! The following chapters are a timejump to S6, and how the change in events affected that respectively.**

Rory closes her car door with a sigh. It feels good to be back at the apartment, and it'll be even better if Paris doesn't wake once Rory's inside. Rory needs some quiet. Getting her boyfriend and his friends home is like herding cats. It took long enough to actually get them all in the car and then, after dropping off Colin and Finn, Logan rambled the rest of the way about hurting the folk singer's feelings and his trip to Omaha, not trusting that it even has electricity despite Rory's assurance that the singer is used to it and electricity came last week. Logan didn't seem to believe her but accepted it, staggering out the car and allowing Rory to help him up the steps. For a moment, she was terrified Logan would ask her to come with him to Nebraska but after a slurred _I'll miss you Ace _Logan stumbled through his door. Rory is relieved that he's going to be away for a few days. She can't really place why, but is thankful not to have go out on another drunken night and listen to Logan complain about college, his father, his entire privileged life. Looking up at the apartment, Rory pauses before going inside. She's already dreading her friend waking up and demanding a boggle tournament. Usually, Rory doesn't mind talking to Paris but tonight she wants to be alone with her thoughts. A sound behind her breaks Rory's reverie and she stares upon turning to see.

"Jess."

"Hey."

"Hey."

Rory can't stop gazing at him and it seems the feeling is mutual. Jess is staring back, half-smiling, and Rory half-smiles back. She can't seem to move, make sense of it. Jess is standing in front of her after over a year of separation and finally Rory forms some words.

"I...sorry. That wasn't a sentence," she says, blinking, but Jess quickly says, "I got this gist."

"What are you doing here?" Rory asks as Jess walks over and he says, "I got a job. Professional driveway skulker."

"Pays good?"

"Yeah but the hours suck."

Rory smiles but can't shake the strangeness of it. Expectantly, she starts to ask, "Jess?" and Jess replies, "I'm in town on a little business. All nice and aboveboard."

"How'd you know where to find me?"

"Luke," Jess admits. "I shook it out of him. He wasn't sure if it was okay."

"It's okay," Rory says and it is. "You look good. The years don't seem to have hardened you."

Jess smiles and remarks, " Yeah, you look good, too. I know this is kind of weird, but there's actually something I wanted to tell you. Show you, actually."

Rory glances up at the window of Paris's room and, following her glance, Jess adds, "I can come back another time."

"No," Rory clarifies, "it's just we're kind of exposed here. Paris's bedroom is right there - I share an apartment with her."

"Huh."

"Yeah - plus you know your professional skulker gig? It had better pay well because it's kind of sketchy out here."

"Right."

"Yeah. You want to come in?"

"You sure?" Jess asks and Rory says firmly, "Yeah. Come on. But just be careful. She's a very light sleeper."

Rory leads Jess upstairs, heart thumping. She's dazed, in disbelief that Jess is actually here, but it doesn't hurt to see him. For months after they broke up Rory wouldn't even allow herself to think about Jess, and in the moments where she imagined seeing him again it wasn't like the last time he left. Rory couldn't think of anything brilliant to say. Instead, all she felt was this terrible, searing sadness and would wrench her heart away from her daydream. Lightly, Jess steps behind her into Rory's bedroom and nervously Rory says, "So here we are."

"Casa Rory," Jess says approvingly, looking around. Rory focuses on placing a pillow in front of the door and explains, "So our voices don't carry." Jess nods.

"Very prudent."

Rory gives him a nervous smile and says, "The whole place is a little rougher than I'd like."

"Yeah, but you can handle it. Is the plan still to be an overseas correspondent?"

"Right now," Rory agrees. "I know I might wind up in places worse than this."

"You should see my place."

Rory smiles, curious, but Jess is glancing at a dress hanging on the door and asks, "Is that for Halloween?"

"No, no," Rory says quickly, embarrassed. "It's for this thing my grandmother wants me to go to...she picked it out."

"What thing?"

"Some dinner...I don't know if I will." Rory looks away, embarrassed. She almost went into the whole story before she caught herself and looks back at Jess. "So, where are you living, Jess? I want to know about you, mystery man."

She takes a seat on the bed and, as he settles on the chair opposite, Jess says, "I'm in Philly."

"Really?"

"Don't laugh."

"No, I'm not," Rory says honestly. She was surprised but not amused. "Philadelphia's gotten cool."

"And New York's gotten expensive," Jess comments. "Anyway, it's a pretty cool scene in Philly now. Lot of younger people there...pretty big art scene."

"I know," Rory says eagerly. "I read that in the New York Times. They had a picture of a bunch of young people standing on a roof, kind of eclectic and all. It looked fun. I mean, it was clearly one of those pictures that wasn't candid. It was looking a little stiff, but they looked happy."

She stops, shy, and Jess asks seriously, "Are you nervous?"

"A little," Rory admits. "It's been a long time."

Jess smiles, leaning forward to say, "I'm a little nervous too."

"Good, I'm not alone," Rory says, relieved. The tension feels broken or, at least, lighter than before and Jess tells her, "So, I didn't just come here to chat. I wanted to show you something." He reaches into his bag as Rory remembers, "Right. You said that."

"Yeah, and I didn't think you'd believe it if I didn't show it to you in person."

Jess has got a book out and as he passes it over Rory remarks, "Well, colour me curious. A book." Taking it, she reads the title and then slowly the author. "_The Subsect_...written by Jess Mariano."

She stares back up and Jess says, "It's no misprint."

"You wrote a book?" Rory asks and Jess quickly replies, "A short novel."

"You wrote a book?" Rory asks again. She can't believe it and in the same moment, can believe it entirely. Jess could always has written something and here it is, his novel in her hands. Rory knows it's great.

"And through a fluke, I got it to these guys that have a small press, and they read it. I don't know if they were high or something, but they decided to publish it."

"You wrote a book," Rory says softly and Jess tells her, "There's no money in it. They only printed like five hundred of them. Believe me, I'm not quitting my day job."

"But you wrote it," Rory insists. That's all that matters. "You wrote a book." Getting up, she starts to turn the pages and Jess jokes, "Yeah, I know. It's hard to believe."

"You sat down and wrote a novel," Rory says in wonder and Jess says, "Author-distributed, too. That's what I'm doing here. I'm going around begging independent bookstores to put it in stock. Got it in a few."

"Cool! Where?"

"Around," Jess says elusively and Rory grins.

" I want to see it in a store."

"I can give you the addresses."

"You know what I'm gonna do when I see it in the store?"

"What?" Jess asks, amused, and Rory says excitedly, "You know that section toward the front, the staff recommendations? I'm going to grab a copy of your book and put it in that section, and then I'm going to write my own little recommendation on a card and attach it so people see it and buy it."

"Read it first," Jess says, sounding bashful. "That way you can discourage people from buying it."

"No way!" Rory retorts. "I know it's good." Sitting back down, she looks Jess in the eye and says, "Jess, you've got such a great brain. I knew that if you could just sit down and stop shaking it around, you could do something like this. I knew it. I knew it."

"I know you did," Jess says, smiling. "I work at that press now. Five smelly guys in a cramped room on Locust Street putting out about three books a month. But it's fun."

"What about a sequel?" Rory asks eagerly. "Are you writing a sequel?"

"You should read it before you get too jazzed about it, okay?" Jess laughs and Rory grins, about to argue when she pauses.

"Shh!" She and Jess look at the door and Rory lets out a breath. " Sorry. I thought I heard footsteps. I think we're okay. I didn't want a boggle tournament with Paris."

"Boggle tournament?"

"You don't want to know."

"It's kind of late. I should go."

"It is kind of late," Rory agrees, getting up with Jess. They start towards the door and stop as Jess says, "So, I just basically wanted to show you that. Uh, tell you... tell you that I couldn't have done it without you."

Rory stares. Out of all the things she imagined Jess saying, she never thought of his thanking her. She is shy, grateful and lost all at once and all she manages to say is, "Thanks."

It's too small a reply but she and Jess smile at each other, shy again, until Jess says, "I'm going to be around for a couple days. Can we talk again? Preferably above a whisper."

"Yeah," Rory says. "I'd like that. How about tomorrow night?"

"Eight okay?"

"Yep."

"Good. I'll sneak out on my own."

"Cool." They move towards the door, Jess handing Rory the pillow, but as she says, "Oh, hey. The book," Jess nods and says, "Oh, it's yours."

Rory smiles, letting him out, and then slowly walks back to the bed. Hugging the pillow to her chest, she opens the book and tentatively starts to read. It's good, it's great, she knows it from the first paragraph, before even reading the opening sentence and Rory is shaken all over. She's so proud of Jess. She knew he always had it in him but wasn't sure if he'd ever act on it and here it is, _The Subsect_. Settling down, Rory is lost in his words all night.

Paris is going away the next day to see her parents and Rory is impatient all morning. She hasn't told Paris about Jess coming and isn't entirely sure why - Paris liked Jess, she knows, and it's hardly secret, yet it feels private. Rory doesn't want to talk about it to anyone. She's still half-sure it was a dream, that the man she lived with and lost her virginity to is suddenly back in her life. He seems so different now. She feels different too and yet, Rory thinks uncomfortably, in a dissimilar way. Jess looks happier. Still, she thinks firmly, neither of them are those mixed up people who ran away together. The whole thing seems so long ago now. As patiently as possible, Rory waits for Paris to pack and go and, as she finally gets ready, Paris pauses.

"Something's going on."

"Nothing's going on," Rory lies and Paris stares at her piercingly.

"There is. I can always tell, Gilmore."

"Oh yeah, what can you tell?"

"He's back," Paris says confidently. Rory stares, heart thudding, and says, "How...?"

"Logan's back from Omaha," Paris says and Rory releases a tight breath. "And he's going to shack up here for a few nights, right?"

"Sure..."

"I'd go to his - more comfortable, I'm guessing. And I'm guessing no one can hear you through the walls."

Rory gives a nervous laugh and Paris rolls her eyes.

"See you in a few. Hopefully I'll survive not strangling my mother."

"A worthy goal."

Rory feels overdressed in all her outfits. It's stupid, she berates herself, it's just Jess, but her wardrobe suddenly seems too fancy. Since being with Logan Rory guesses she's dressed a little preppier - he likes taking her out to places where a pair of jeans won't cut it and all her normal clothes seemed too plain. When she went back to Yale and started dating Logan Emily was so grateful that she gifted Rory a new set of clothes. As she looks in the mirror one last time Rory hears a rattle of pebbles and she laughs, hurrying downstairs and exclaims, "What are you doing?"

"I didn't know if me being here was secret," Jess whispers and Rory smiles.

"It's fine - Paris is visiting her parents."

"Oh, good. I parked on the street so she wouldn't see."

"You're very good at covert ops."

"Years of practice," Jess remarks. "So, where do you want to go?"

"I'm not sure," Rory admits. "There's college places or we could drive into Hartford, I guess...but that's still a mystery. Even when I went to Chilton, I got right on the bus and headed home. So I don't even have any old high school hangouts to revisit."

"Well, I just prefer not going someplace that has food in the title."

"Meaning?" Rory asks, intrigued, and Jess explains, "Olive, chilli, soup. No gardens. No plantations."

"Got it," Rory nods. "Something funkier."

"Steer me to the college district," Jess says confidently. "I'll find us something funky."

"Sounds good," Rory says. She grins at Jess and follows him to his car, a newer model to the one from New York.

"Hey, you upgraded!"

"Yeah, well. The other one was falling apart. I managed to sell it, if you can believe it. I bet the guy junked it."

The new car isn't fancy but it seems sturdier and, as Rory straps herself in, she says, "So I'm your Sancho Panza?"

"Sure, but does that make me Don Quixote?"

"No," Rory says quickly. flushing and Jess chuckles.

"I hope not. So, Sancho, left or right?"

They find a funky place remarkably fast and Rory is impressed.

"You definitely didn't need a Sancho Panza."

"I did a little," Jess corrects. He smiles, making Rory blush again, and grabs them two menus. Ordering burgers and two drinks, they settle down. Jess clinks his glass against Rory's and says, "Cheers. Cheers to what I'm not sure."

"To now?" Rory suggests and Jess nods, lifting his glass.

"To now."

They take a sip and Rory falls shy, and it seems Jess feels the same as he puts his glass down and says, "So..."

"So?"

"So tell me about the past year," Jess says, and chuckles. "That sounds like hardly any time but it feels like forever."

"For me too," Rory says. She smiles, taking another sip and says, "Well, I went back to Yale, as you know."

"How's that going?"

"Pretty good...anyway, I went back to school. I moved into that apartment with Paris and it's okay, mostly, and everything's good...I'm seeing someone..." Rory's voice falters as Jess looks at her expectantly.

"Luke alluded to something," he says. "Didn't give details though."

"Oh. Well, his name's Logan...he's a senior."

"Been dating him long?"

"A year," Rory says and feels her cheeks flush. "I mean, I was single for a couple of months after you and I broke up. And then I met Logan in the newspaper office...he's part of the Life and Death Brigade. They like pulling stunts."

"Huh," Jess says mildly. Rory looks at her hands, strangely embarrassed. "We've been together since then, basically - we did a stunt together at one event which I covered for the paper. Logan's in Omaha this week."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. How about you, Jess? Are you seeing anyone?"

"No," Jess says shortly. "There's nothing to tell."

"Oh."

Rory is grateful that they're interrupted by the food arriving. She takes a large bite of burger and shakes her head when Jess asks, "So your boyfriend doesn't know the funky places around here?"

"Not really his scene."

"Ah."

"He likes bigger bars and restaurants." Rory looks up to see Jess raise his eyebrows and adds, "We have fun."

"I'm sure."

Jess eats some of his burger and looks up as Rory exclaims. She's got ketchup on her shirt and, as she wipes it, Jess remarks, "That's fancier than what'd fly in Luke's."

"Oh, I know," Rory says, laughing. "Grandma gave it to me...I've seen more of her lately. She loves Logan. They run in the same circles."

"Better success than I had, right?" Jess jokes and Rory laughs.

"She's friends with Logan's parents. We got to events together sometimes."

"I'm guessing Logan never showed up with a black eye."

"He's very charming."

"Or ran off with you to New York either."

There it is. They smile shyly and Jess says, "I'm sorry."

"Jess, it's okay."

"I shouldn't have asked you to go."

"I had my own mind," Rory says quietly. "I wanted to go with you."

"It was a mistake."

"It was a long time ago," Rory says gently, looking up. "It seems longer than it was, you know?"

Jess nods, shyly agreeing, "For me too."

They eat some more and Jess asks, "So tell me what else you've been doing, besides getting all fancy."

"I haven't got _fancy_," Rory retorts with a laugh, feeling self-conscious. "I don't have too much to tell...I've been working on the Yale Daily News and I've been living with Paris, which you know. Last year kind of sucked."

Rory ducks her gaze for a moment, feeling Jess's eyes on hers before taking a deep breath.

"Last year sucked for me too," Jess says quietly and Rory nods, steering the conversation back before it gets too hard.

"I met Logan last year at a party...I already kind of knew him but we got talking there. We got together not too long after that."

"And it's going well?" Jess asks carefully and Rory shrugs, taking a drink.

"Yes. Hey, tell me about you."

Jess seems surprised but gives Rory a nod, obliging.

"I didn't stay in the city that long after you left. It didn't feel the same - man, that sounds cheesy but it didn't. I wrote and I looked for new places to work...I didn't have a lot of luck but I found this magazine for young writers in New York. I pitched some stuff to them and met a couple of guys there, and then we moved to Philly. It didn't feel as weird as I expected."

"No?"

"It felt different, but a good different," Jess says, eating a fry. "Not like when I moved to Stars Hollow."

They both laugh a little ruefully but Rory smiles, sitting back in her seat.

"You're doing so well, Jess. I'm so proud of you - is that okay to say?"

"You know it is."

"I loved your book," Rory says shyly. "I think I want to read it again to think more about it, but it's all you...that's what I love about it."

"Oh yeah?" Jess grins but he looks touched. "Thanks."

"I knew you could do it."

They look at each other and Jess breaks the silence by saying, "You could write something too."

"Like what?"

"I don't know - that's for you to figure out. But you could."

"I hope so," Rory says shyly. Her throat feels tight. Going back to school was the right decision, she knows, but she's felt a little lost lately, swept up in Logan's world. She eats a few fries and says, "It's nice just hanging out like this."

"It's been a long time."

"I mean in general," Rory says, looking up. "I like just being here with you, but in general it's nice not doing something which requires lots of money, you know?"

As soon as she says it she feels embarrassed but Jess nods.

"Logan has a lot of money, huh?"

"He does - well, his father does. Logan keeps talking about feeling trapped by it but he definitely enjoys it."

Rory's voice sounds a little sour and, at Jess's nod, she finds herself saying, "I used to find him so exciting. He was so different to anyone else I'd known."

"And you don't find him exciting now?"

"I don't know," Rory says helplessly. "I just feel this pressure, I guess. I was relieved when Logan told me was going to Omaha. That's not great."

Jess looks curious and Rory sighs, sitting back.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to dump all my relationship drama on you."

"No biggie."

"I shouldn't talk about him like that...he's a good guy."

"I'm sure," Jess says quietly. They eat silently for a moment and Jess remarks, "I bet his apartment is an improvement on the one we shared, huh?"

Rory looks at him and suddenly they fall into helpless laughter. Rory laughs and laughs until her sides hurt and, recovering, she says, "It wasn't so bad."

"It was a dump!"

"I was happy," Rory says sincerely. "It didn't seem like it."

"Come on, Rory. We both knew it was a dump."

"Okay, okay. But I was happy," Rory says sincerely. "I was happy being with you. I didn't care about the rest."

"Same here," Jess says softly. The light mood has been replaced by something deeper and Rory quickly looks away, swallowing the last of her drink.

"One more round?"

"Sure. Hey, I can buy you a beer now."

"What?"

"It was your birthday a couple of weeks ago, right? Happy Birthday."

"It was," Rory says, touched that Jess remembered. Logan hadn't even asked. "Thanks."

Jess nods and says, "I wish I had a gift."

"Oh Jess, you don't have to do that!"

"You should get a gift on your birthday."

"You're here - that's enough."

It sounds more serious than Rory intended and, at the look in Jess's eyes, she quickly adds, "Hey, remember the cake I tried to make you?"

"I can still smell the smoke," Jess says and they laugh hard but, for Rory at least, the moment still seems intense. When she suggests they head back Jess doesn't fight her on it and as they walk slowly to the car Rory asks, "Are you going to be around again? It'd be cool to catch up."

"Definitely," Jess says, smiling at her. "I've missed you, Rory."

"I've missed you too, Jess."

As he smiles at her, Rory knows it's going to be okay between them. They way she left, the history between them isn't too much. The moment she feared for years has been replaced with a kind of friendship, the friendship they've always had, and Rory only wishes they could talk for longer. Directing him back, Jess teases her over Don Quixote but Rory's laughter freezes in her throat as she gets out of the car. Standing by the apartment is Logan.

"Logan," Rory blurts out in surprise and he gives her a cold smile.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asks and hastily Rory says, "No. Hey. When did you get back?"

"Couple hours ago."

"Oh," Rory says stupidly. "I...I thought you were getting back tomorrow."

"I thought I'd surprise you, Ace."

The tension in the air is horribly tight. Rory is aware of Jess beside her, analysing Logan and Logan doubtlessly doing the same. Oh God, what does he think is going on? Brightly, she says, "Well, I'm glad you did 'cause you get to meet my old friend, Jess. This is Logan, my boyfriend. Logan, this is Jess. He's in from out of town."

The men give a slight nod and, inwardly cringing, Rory jokes, "Wow. That sounded so grown-up. We're at the age now where we say things like "in from out of town" and "old friend", 'cause when you're young, all your friends are new, and you have to get old to have old friends."

Logan and Jess laugh, politely if insincerely, and Logan stretches out a hand, to Rory's relief.

"How you doing?"

"Okay," Jess says simply, shaking Logan's hand and Rory announces, "We just grabbed a bite to eat."

"That so?" Logan asks, dropping Jess's hand and putting it tightly around Rory's arm. "Where'd you kids go?" Snorting at the name of the establishment, he says, "I could have picked a way better place for your money."

"I bet," Jess says drily and Logan raises his eyebrows.

"And I bet you and Rory spent hours catching up. How long did you say you'd known each other?"

"A while," Jess says and Logan asks, "You used to date?"

"Yes," Rory breaks in, trying to brush Logan's arm off hers. "We used to date." Understatement of the century, she thinks silently but isn't about to go into it here. The edited version doesn't seem to calm her boyfriend's mood.

"Ah! No hemming. No hawing. Good course of action," Logan says, looking over at Rory and Jess, dropping his arm. "So, were you two high school sweethearts? Rock around the clock, two straws in the milkshake?"

"Logan," Rory says, annoyed. What the hell's his problem? Logan looks at her and says glibly, "Just trying to paint a picture, Ace."

"What do you say we paint it another day?" Jess asks. "It's late. I should get back."

"Oh yeah?" Logan asks. "You going to stare at photo albums from yesteryear?"

"Whatever," Jess says, shaking his head. "Night, Rory."

"Night, Jess."

Rory waits for Jess to get in his car and drive away before marching up to the apartment, Logan at her heels.

"What the hell was that?" Logan demands and Rory whirls around furiously.

"I could ask you the same! What's your problem, Logan? You were a total jerk!"

"Hey, I come back to surprise my girlfriend and she's off on the town with her ex!"

"Sorry I didn't clear my schedule with you," Rory spits. "I didn't realise my free time was yours."

"Is that the guy you lived with?" Logan asks after a pause. "The New York guy?"

"Yes," Rory says and Logan shakes his head.

"He's a total loser."

"Don't you dare talk about him like that!" Rory shouts. "He's not a loser, Logan! You don't know anything about him!"

"And I'm good with that!"

"Fine! You know, I just want to go to bed," Rory says, eyes stinging. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"That's great, Ace..." Logan says, going to the door. "That's just fine."


	35. Chapter 35

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Jess stops by Luke's on the way back. His uncle is finishing up in the diner and, after greeting his nephew suggests, "You want that last piece of pie? It's not too old."

"When you put it like that..." Jess teases but grins. "Thanks."

Luke slides over the slice with a cup of coffee and Jess digs into it. He was more hungry than he thought. As he eats, Jess is suddenly thrown back to all the evenings helping at the diner - undoubtedly not enough - and eating pie at the end of the day. He feels strange doing so again, as though he's stepped back into an old life, a younger version of himself.

"So," Luke says cautiously and Jess looks up.

"So," he echoes and Luke exhales.

"How'd it go? Did you see her?"

"Yeah," Jess says, putting his spoon down. "We caught up."

"And?" Luke prompts and Jess shrugs.

"Not that much to tell."

Luke raises his eyebrows and Jess focuses on sipping some coffee before eventually saying,

"It was fine."

"Fine?"

"It was good to see Rory," Jess says honestly. "I'm glad I did."

"Good," Luke says, smiling. "It's been a long time."

"Yeah," Jess says. He finishes off the last of the pie, wanting to share more of his thoughts, such as when and why did Rory start dating a jerk, but he resists. Jess figures Luke'll probably ask why it's his right to ask, and Jess can't argue that he does. His uncle finishes wiping down the counter as Jess drinks his coffee before asking, "What did you talk about?"

"Not much," Jess says. "Her boyfriend showed up when I took her home."

The somewhat sour tone creeps into his voice and Luke says, "Ah. Logan. What did you think?"

Jess snorts. "I think Rory could do better." One glance at that guy and Jess had him pegged. A spoilt rich dude who throws money at problems, most of which he causes out of boredom. Jess practically burst out laughing when Logan put his around Rory's neck like that, but was also pretty pissed off. What is she, his property? Why isn't that bothering Rory? Why's she even going for a guy like that? Says a lot that Logan was threatened just by her having a ex-boyfriend. Jess wonders how much Rory has told him about them. Something makes him think she hasn't said much.

"I see," Luke remarks, breaking Jess's thoughts.

"What do you think?" Jess presses and Luke coughs.

"It doesn't matter what I think."

"Come on, Luke. What do you think of the guy? She's been with him for what - a year?"

It's painful to say aloud. It hasn't been much more than a year since Jess and Rory were together. Did he push her to him? Jess ignores that thought as he stares at Luke who finally says, "I don't know what to think of him."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Lorelai's always been off and on about Logan...she didn't like him at first but then she seemed to come round to him a little. He and Rory were supposedly just casual at first."

So that's what they're calling sex these days. Jess didn't think Rory would go for that. Luke sighs and admits, "I can't say I love him. He's a very wealthy guy, always buying Rory whatever she wants but I don't know if it _is_ what she wants. If that makes sense."

Jess frowns and Luke suddenly says briskly, "But it's not my business."

"Yeah. Sure," Jess says quickly, disappointed but not surprised that Luke hasn't offered more of his thoughts.

"You want more coffee?" Luke asks, holding up the jug, but Jess shakes his head.

"I've got to get back. Thanks though. Give my best to Lorelai."

"Oh, I will," Luke says, corners of his mouth twitching. "Honestly, she's so focused on that house renovation I don't know if you'd even register."

Jess suspects he would but doesn't want to test that theory. He imagines Lorelai has a shovel somewhere with his name on it.

"How's it going with you guys?"

"Good," Luke says, and a goofy grin appears on his face. "Kind of chaotic right now with the house and the dog and -"

"There's a _dog?"_

"Yeah."

"You let Lorelai get a dog?" Jess can't even picture it.

"I don't think my permission was ever involved."

"Rory's in there too. Why did either of you agree to that?"

"She was excited and hey, the dog's fine. He's called Paul Anka."

Jess can't help laughing at that, curious to see him. He bets Luke is a sap around him too. Getting up from the stool, Jess passes the plate and grabs his bag before hesitating.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"When did Rory get so into that stuff? You know, enjoying going to fancy places? She seems kind of preppy."

"I guess when she met Logan," Luke says thoughtfully. "But she's still Rory, Jess."

"Yeah, I know," Jess says quickly. "Night, Luke."

"Night."

Jess is pensive as he drives back. Since when does Rory like dudes who own Porsches? They used to make fun of guys like that! He's so caught up in memory of being with her, before they were together and were simply friends, that he's back in Philadelphia in what seems two minutes. Mounting the stairs to the apartment, Chris and Matthew clap his shoulder as Jess enters and asks, "So how'd it go?"

"How did what go?"

"Meeting the elusive ex!"

"It's just Rory," Jess says in irritation. "It was fine."

His friends exchange glances. Jess throws his bag into his bedroom and tosses off his jacket before saying, "She's dating an asshole."

"How do you know he's an asshole?"

"Trust me. I know."

Jess kicks off his shoes and goes into the cramped kitchen, moving piles of plates and pans in the attempt to make some coffee. It's hardly cosy but he's gotten to like living here, despite the lack of space. It's good having friends around, something Jess never trusted in before.

"And how was Rory? Come on, you've talked about her enough that we know she's kind of a big deal."

"She's -" Jess pauses, hand on the coffee jug. "She's different."

"Because she's dating a jerk?"

"That and other stuff." Jess fills the jug whilst trying to form some thoughts. "I don't know. It's been a while."

"You know," Matthew says confidently and Jess sighs, unable to deny it. He knows.

Jess goes to bed early, not feeling like hanging out and talking. Unable to sleep, he hears the sounds of his friends laughing and drinking beer and Jess almost gets back up, but he doesn't feel like chatting. Jess isn't exactly gregarious but he likes hanging out more than he did, tossing questions back and forth. Before he met Rory, Jess hardly hung out with anyone. He'd never had real friends. People in New York never stuck around and then it was Jess who was moving. Then he had Rory in Stars Hollow, making the place bearable, and he convinced her to be with him in New York. That was enough until it wasn't. After Rory left, and everything had gone to hell, Jess knew something had to change, or he was going to be one of those guys with empty eyes on the street corner. He started writing more, taking his time more seriously, and hung out with Brad even after he quit the restaurant. The two have kind of lost touch now but Jess feels safe that Chris and Matthew aren't going anywhere. He knows if something's up he can talk and they'll listen, even if they don't have advice, but Jess doesn't feel like talking. Rory has always been more private anyway. They know they lived together, that he loved her, but Jess has never gone into how much she means to him. There's something private about it.

Jess is finally dropping off when his cellphone rings. Annoyed, he almost ignores it, wishing not for the first time that he'd never bothered with one, but as he sits up Jess sees it's Rory. He looks at the phone for a moment before answering, "Hey."

"Hi." Rory sounds kind of shy but Jess thinks he hears her smile as he asks, "What's going on?"

"Not much. How about you?"

"Not much."

They pause and Jess asks, "Why'd you call?"

"I..."

"I'm glad you called," Jess says sincerely and Rory asks tentatively, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

There's a silence and then Rory says, "It was good seeing you."

"Yeah, you too."

"I've been reading your book again. I love it."

Jess smiles, settling into the conversation. Her opinion of the book matters more than anyone's.

"You do?"

"Jess, it's great. There's so much I -" Rory's stops and asks nervously, "Hey, do you want to meet up again sometime?"

"Sure." Jess is a little thrown but isn't going to turn down seeing Rory. "When?"

"I don't know...I have some classes this week but not much else. How about Friday? I could drive to where you are this time."

"Friday's good." Jess smiles to himself, remembering seeing Rory after her Friday Night dinners, along with the terrible one where he came with a black eye. He'd been willing to go back again, all the same.

"Great," Rory says, sounding a little embarrassed. "Sorry to call so late."

"Nothing to be sorry about."

"Good." Rory sounds shy, a trace of that young girl from Stars Hollow hanging in her voice. "I'll let you go to sleep."

"We can talk for longer if you want."

There's a pause of consideration but then Rory says firmly, "No, it's late. I should go to bed too."

"Okay," Jess says, a little disappointed. "Sleep well, Rory."

"You too, Jess."

After hanging up Jess doesn't put the phone down. A dumb smile has spread across his face. If Chris and Matthew came in they'd doubtlessly tell Jess he's still hung up on Rory, and Jess knows he can't deny it. It's been a long time with a lot of pain, but Jess can't dismiss it. With Rory, time changes yet something remains. His mind is held on the promise of Friday as Jess finally succombes to sleep.

On Friday Jess is kind of nervous, despite it all. It's just Rory but it's Rory. Jess stares at himself in the mirror for a stupid amount of time before meeting her. Rory has called him to let him know where she and smiles awkwardly upon Jess coming into the coffeeshop, lifting her hand in a half-wave.

"Hey."

"Hi. Was the drive okay?"

"The drive was great - I mean, it was fine."

Rory sounds nervous. Jess can hear the start of a babble on the edge of her voice.

"Good," Jess says, sitting beside her. "Coffee sound good?"

"Coffee sounds great."

"Always," Jess says, making her laugh, and he orders two coffees and a slice of cake each. Rory grins at him, taking a large bite, and Jess asks, "So how's it going?"

Rory puts down her fork and says, "It's okay."

She doesn't sound convinced and adds, "Logan and I had kind of a fight."

"Oh." Jess is intrigued but doesn't want to pry, or rather, he does but holds back. Rory sighs and says, "It's been a little rocky lately."

"Yeah, you said."

Rory nods and before he can stop himself Jess asks, "What made you want to date him? He seems like a jerk."

"Logan's not a jerk!" Rory exclaims and Jess snorts. "He's not!"

"We used to make fun of guys like that! He has a Porsche!"

"That doesn't make him a bad guy!"

"But why?" Jess insists, leaning forward. "Why him, why all this stuff?"

He gestures vaguely but Rory gets the picture. She looks angry for a moment and then says, "I was lonely after I went back to Yale. Mom was being so frustrating about it, kept saying about how I'd made such a mistake, and I didn't want to talk about it to her. I still don't. And I was sad and I missed you and I knew you weren't coming back - at least, not for a while. And then I met Logan and he's beautiful and so smart and he made me forget about everything."

Jess highly doubts Logan is smart but he gets it, and nods, feeling a little bad. God knows, he's no one to judge.

"He's not perfect," Rory says defensively. "But who is?"

Jess spreads his palms, not saying that someone not being perfect is a pretty low bar for a relationship. He sips his coffee and feels shy when Rory asks, "So what about you? Have you dated since we were together?"

"Not really," Jess says honestly. He's had a couple of dates here and there and one stupid one night stand. He wanted to move on, in his head if not his heart, but it's never felt right with anyone. Matthew and Chris and Katie, who works in sales, gave him a hard time, saying he wasn't giving anyone a chance. They didn't say it but Jess knows they all think it's because he only wants Rory. They aren't wrong either. Jess doesn't know what to do about that. Rory seems to be moving on just fine.

Rory nods, looking uncomfortable and Jess sighs, eager to change the subject.

"So you let your mom get a dog?"

"It wasn't my idea," Rory says, laughing in relief. "And hey, he's very cute."

"And he's okay? You two don't have a great history with pets."

"He gets fed probably twice as many meals just in case. I didn't think I was a dog person but Paul Anka's very charming."

"He has that reputation," Jess jokes. "Sounds like he's good for your mom."

"I'm glad he's there too," Rory admits. "I get to walk him sometimes and if I'm feeling stressed, like if I have a big paper or fighting with Logan, Paul Anka just really makes me feel better. I don't know why. I wish he'd been there last year."

Rory seems fine but Jess winces inwardly all the same, knowing how much he hurt her.

"I'm sorry."

"You've already said that, Jess," Rory says softly. "It's okay. It was a while ago."

"I still wonder if I should have gone with you."

"No - you made the right call," Rory says, sitting up. "You would have been miserable in New Haven and you know if you'd gone with me, you wouldn't have what you've got now. And it's so great, Jess, the book and your publishing place and living here...it's _so_ great."

It is, Jess can't deny it, but his heart still misses her. He missed her so much last year it was like a constant, dull ache. But Rory's right. He's made a home here, a life here, and Rory announces, "I'm envious, Jess."

"What? But you're in Yale."

"I know. But you've got this whole independent thing."

Jess frowns. Rory sounds wistful, tucking a brown curl over her shoulder, and she says, "Sometimes I wish I had my own thing. Away from Mom, from Logan, from Grandma and Grandpa..." Her voice trails off until she seems to shake herself and adds, "But I'm glad I went back to school."

"You're one step closer to the foreign correspondent thing."

"Yes," Rory agrees. She sounds happy at that but her eyes are sad. The two finish their coffees in silence until Rory says, "I should probably go. I'm seeing Logan later."

Jess would bet all his money she hasn't told him about her trip here but he doesn't ask. He wants to tell her she doesn't have to be with him but knows that would be a mistake. Rory looks at him and seems to know as she says, "He's not a bad guy, Jess. He treats me to all this stuff, he's funny and we have a good time. He's smarter than he acts."

Jess raises his eyebrows but doesn't question that. Instead he says, "You know him better than I do."

"A year," Rory agrees. "He's never committed to a girlfriend before either. I thought I didn't want to be a girlfriend either but it turns out I do, and when I said so, Logan said he'd try being a boyfriend for me. He's never done that for anyone."

That doesn't surprise Jess. He suspects Logan is pretty hit and miss at the whole boyfriend thing. He pushes his curiosity back and says, "Are you sure you have to go? We could go see the Liberty Bell."

"But you can't touch it now, right?" Rory asks and upon Jess shaking his head says, "Then the appeal's gone."

She seems sad as she gets ready to go and Jess asks, "Can't you call Logan? Tell him something came up?"

Rory pauses, looks at Jess and shakes her head.

"I can't," Rory tells him ruefully. "Logan won't understand."

Jess doesn't know what he was thinking, asking that. As if Logan would be understanding. Jess suspects neither of them really go for the deep talks anyway. He walks out with Rory, both of them taking their time and as they say goodbye, Rory pulls Jess into a quick hug. He breathes her in, her body and soft hair as familiar as he remembers, and smiles as he steps away.

"See you."

"See you." Rory pauses before getting into her car. "Maybe we could do this again? Catch up?"

"I'd love that," Jess says automatically and looks away, shy. "I mean, that sounds great."

"Good," Rory smiles, her hair haloing her face. "Today was fun. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," Jess says. "Bye, Rory."

"Bye, Jess."

Jess watches as he pulls away, giving her a kind of wave. He waits even after she's pulled away, unwilling to head back. He'd missing her more than he'd known. What is this, _yearning? _Jess tries to ignore it as he turns away. She's moved on, he has to too. Yearning for Rory Gimore isn't wise. Jess walks back to his apartment but can't lose the longing. With Rory, everything seems to come into clear focus. It's ironic, Jess thinks, that for him she brings clarity when her own life seems to be blurred.


	36. Chapter 36

**Thanks for the feedback! I might be updating more sporadically as I am moving overseas!**

Rory gets home sooner than expected. Throwing her keys on the counter, Rory puts on a pot of coffee, grateful to be alone. Paris is out and Rory closes her eyes, relishing the silence. She could call Logan, ask if he wants to meet a little earlier, but Rory doesn't want to. It's good having some time to think. She feels strange after seeing Jess, a little shaken, and Rory focuses on making the coffee in an attempt to dispel it.

After she'd come back everyone rushed to tell Rory how she'd made the right choice in leaving. That she wasn't to be blamed for going with her boyfriend (_what's a woman to do?_ Babette had memorably exclaimed) but it was a mistake, and now Rory was home, she could move on from it. Jess was never going to go beyond New York but Rory was back in Yale, back on track and could put the whole thing behind her. It upset Rory to hear it talked about that way, and she longed to tell her mother, grandparents and the town that Jess was more than what they were saying, that she'd had something real, but she couldn't. What did she know? It had all fallen apart, it had all been for nothing in the end, so Rory didn't say anything. She let them decide what it was. She allowed her mother to pay for the car to be repaired, she threw herself back into Yale life, moved in with Paris and talked about her summer as little as possible. Rory had the future to think about. She caught sight of the cute blonde guy in the newspaper office and, despite silently deciding she was done with dating, Rory couldn't deny being attracted. She learnt more about Logan and went along to his secret society event, even wearing the beautiful blue dress Logan gave her for the 'integrity of the event'. Rory had paused, putting it on, but it really was stunning. So what if the whole thing was lavish and extravagant? When Logan encouraged her to take part in the stunt with him and jump, Rory almost declined. She knew what Jess would think and say about this kind of event - it was the kind of thing she thought, or used to think. The stunt was stupid and dangerous and the entire event was just proof of rich people wanting to be dumb and pretentious. Rory didn't want to think about what the entire thing cost - probably five times as much as what she and Jess had had combined - and then her thoughts were interrupted by Logan calling her sheltered. Rory was so shocked she forgot the rest. _Sheltered? _Part of her wanted to tell him how she'd lived, what her world had been, but it stung. Rory was tired of being seen as either a kid from Stars Hollow or the girl who'd run away with a guy, and she wanted to be someone else for a change. She'd jump.

At the top of the scaffold, Rory almost changed her mind. Staring down from the dizzying height, Logan's voice in her ear, Rory felt that she was looking at herself. For one clear, silver second she knew she could climb down. Two paths were before her and Rory didn't know which one to take. All she knew was that she wanted something new, something different and suddenly she was holding Logan Huntzberger's hand and jumping. And not long after that she was sleeping with him, and then they found themselves in a relationship. This was new for him too, he said, but he didn't seem unsure as she'd been about being casual. He liked her uncertainty, it appeared at times. After their first time together they lay tangled in the sheets, Rory's head on his chest. "Hey," he asked, "am I your first?" Rory had looked up and blurted out, "What? No!" She'd shifted away, mortified, and Logan had quickly said, "You just seemed shy - that's all."

"You weren't my first," Rory had told him. Logan waited but Rory didn't say anything else. She'd gone to the bathroom instead and cried silently, running the faucets so he wouldn't hear the catch in her breath. She thought she wanted to be with someone else but now that it happened it had simply opened up the hurt in her heart. Rory splashed water over her eyes, taking deep breaths, determined not to let this spoil the night and when she came back Logan didn't ask and she didn't tell. Rory fell into an uneasy sleep and Logan was gone the next morning, buying her a big cup of coffee the following afternoon so she wouldn't be annoyed. Rory pretended that she wasn't, to him and to her. That seems to be their pattern. Still, once they'd agreed to try a relationship Rory relaxed and whenever Lorelai asked she insisted that she was very happy. She thought she was. At the start of summer, Logan's father asked Rory to work for him and she thought she was doing a good job, until the terrible afternoon where he told her she didn't have it. Rory was struck dumb. It hurt and hurt and then she got angry. She did have to it - she has to have it, Rory thought, because she doesn't know what else she's going to do. _I think you're wrong, _she'd said, in a quiet, wobbling voice and Mitchum had chuckled. _My gut's right about_ _these things_. Rory ignored that and agreed to finish up the week. And even though Logan had gotten seriously angry and Lorelai had promised he didn't know what he was talking about, Rory can't help believing him a little and that hurts the most. She's starting to wonder where her ambitions started and if she can ever realise them at all.

Rory finishes her cup of coffee. It's almost time to meet Logan and she sighs inwardly, already tired at the thought of seeing him. She won't tell Logan about seeing Jess - what would be the point? He'd only get angry and jealous. He shouldn't be, Rory's moved on, yet it's disconcerting seeing Jess again. For years, Rory consoled herself with what everyone else had said - that she had this great future ahead of her. Jess couldn't figure anything out and yet here he is, running a business and writing books and living in Philadelphia. He seems content. Rory is in Yale, seeing someone new, but lately she's felt agitated, out of step with herself. Rory wanted to try something new, date someone different, but now she's not so sure if she's the one who succeeded. Seeing Jess has strum up feelings Rory had thought she'd forgotten. She's proud of him but it's more than just that. She never talks about Jess with Logan and he has only asked about him once, not wishing to learn about Rory's life in New York. Sometime after they got together, Logan had asked out of the blue, "So who was your first?"

"What?" They'd been walking together on campus and had just got into Rory's room, the cool fall air still on Rory's cheeks. She took off her jacket as Logan asked again, "Who was your first boyfriend - the guy you slept with? I'm assuming there's only one."

Rory hated that he'd guessed right but had said simply, "Yeah, just one. I dated this guy back in Stars Hollow."

"Your high school sweetheart?"

"Yes, but he was from New York, and that's where we lived over summer...I went away with him and lived in his apartment for a few months."

"I'm impressed, Ace," Logan said, sounding genuinely surprised. "Didn't figure it'd be in you."

"That what would be in me?"

"Forget it," Logan said. "Tell me more about the guy, I'm curious."

Rory was more curious about what he meant, but instead told him about Jess, painting a very sparse picture. Logan didn't seem intrigued to hear more and onetime, when the Distillers were on the radio and Rory mentioned the concert she and Jess attended, Logan got annoyed and changed the subject. He certainly isn't thrilled that he's back in town.

On cue, Rory's cellphone rings and after answering Logan says cheerfully, "Hey, Ace. We still good to go later?"

"Yes," Rory says, trying to sound upbeat. They haven't mentioned their fight after Jess showed up nor talked about him since. "Where do you want to go for drinks? There's a great little place a few blocks down I'd like to try."

"Something wrong with The Rich Man's Shoe?"

"No - I just thought it might be fun to try somewhere different."

"I'm good," Logan says firmly. "See you in twenty."

Rory brushes her hair, changing her shirt and freshening her makeup. She checks herself in the mirror, feeling a little dolled up. When she started hanging out with Logan Rory guesses she got a little preppier and remembers one day, getting ready, and wishing she could just wear jeans and a T-shirt. Suddenly, her old clothes seemed embarrassing and for a moment Rory had hesitated, remembering what she and Jess had always said about those guys, that world, but she decided she didn't care. She wanted to be in Logan's world. She wanted to be a new version of herself.

After seeing Logan at the bar, Rory is willing to let him do the talking. Her boyfriend swigs some beer, angrily telling Rory about his father and school forcing responsibility on him and Rory tries to nod in the right places. She's heard this speech a hundred times although can't remember it bothering her before. _We used to make fun of guys like this. _Rory concentrates on drinking her sidecar before Logan repeats her name.

"Huh?" Rory blinks and Logan laughs.

"You were a million miles away, Ace."

"Oh - sorry."

"I was just saying we could grab dinner after your grandmother's thing tomorrow night."

"About that," Rory says, putting her drink down, "could we maybe miss it? It's just for the DAR...I'm not that desperate to go."

"I thought you liked those parties."

"I'm just not in the mood."

"It'll get my father off my back," Logan says, shaking his head. "Let's go. We'll sneak out early, okay Ace?"

"Okay," Rory says quietly and when it comes to the following night, wearing the dress her grandmother picked out with Logan at her side, Rory wonders what Jess would think of all this. He'd be unimpressed, she thinks. They'd make fun of it together but would have to give the musicians props - what is it they're playing? Bali-something - _balalaikas_. Rory smiles, sipping some wine as Emily gushes about the next event she has planned. Rory tries to seem interested but gradually tunes it out, jumping as Logan cups her waist.

"Hey," he whispers. "Want to get out of here?"

"Sure," Rory says. They've barely been here an hour but Shira's seen Logan so their job is done. Rory's played her part of the dutiful girlfriend and she puts her glass down, suddenly sickened. Logan doesn't notice. Rory watches as he glibly goes around the room, making an excuse to the guests and remembers being so charmed at him at her grandparents' vow renewal, convincing him to be with her there, convincing herself that it was something she wanted. Logan seemed impressed, despite their getting caught, yet he still seemed unsure, asking if she positive if she wanted to do this. Rory did. It was time to be fun and let loose. She could be that kind of girl, she could be as spontaneous as Lorelai ever was. Distracted by Logan saying goodbye to Emily, Rory follows him out, the cold air making her catch her breath. She buttons her jacket hastily, the material catching on the stupid pink dress. She should have just worn something else.

"Let's go," Logan says impatiently, grabbing Rory's hand and as she hurries with him Rory remembers the night she and Jess met. He asked her to bail and she refused, yet it hadn't changed his mind, Rory thinks. He'd never thought she was sheltered or uncool - still, they were kids, she supposes. Isn't it different now? What would Logan think, if he saw her back then? He probably wouldn't have noticed her. Logan drops her hand, getting the keys for his Porsche and Rory tips her head back, feeling the cold starry air on her face. She can still remember her surprised laughter after Jess made his suggestion to bail. What would she say now? She'd say yes, Rory thinks. She wants to bail with him.

"Ace," Logan says, making her jump.

"Sorry." Rory quickly gets into the car, closing the door and jumps when Logan asks, "Did you have fun?" before realising he means Emily's event.

"It was fine," Rory says briefly, giving Logan a small smile.

"Let's go," Logan grins. "We'll have some real fun."

Rory nods, falling silent until they get to Logan's place. Getting out of the car, Rory glances up at the sky once more, enjoying the glow of the stars. She's glad she met Jess, glad he's around, and glad he still seems to see her. Logan knows the kind of girl Rory wanted to be but now the ground has shifted. She told him to live in the moment, wanting to know what it was like, but with Jess she didn't have to know. Rory was always sure.


	37. Chapter 37

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory calls Jess one lulling Friday. The cellphone reception is rusty in Truncheon and Jess walks around the storage room, navigating a route through the boxes.

"Hi."

"Hey."

Rory's voice is fading in and out and Jess asks, "Can you hear me?"

"Sort of."

"How about here?"

Jess steps closer to a window and Rory's voice is clear as she says, "Perfect."

"Great."

Jess pauses, looking out of the window through a cobweb. It seems ironic that he and Rory can talk now yet both are silent.

"So..."

"So..."

"What's up?" Jess asks, cutting to the chase, and Rory says hesitantly, "Not much. I just thought I'd say hi, see how you were."

"I'm fine."

"Me too."

"Great."

"Good."

It's as if they're both seventeen again. Jess laughs at that thought and hears Rory giggle too, as though she's thinking the same.

"How are you?" she asks, sounding less scripted. "I'm sorry if it's weird to call -"

"It's not weird."

"Good," Rory says, sounding relieved. "So how's it going?"

"Fine," Jess says, sinking down on a box serving as a chair. "Only I think there's more dust in this room than actual air."

"That bad?"

"There's more cobweb than glass in the window and no room to swing a cat. Though why you'd want to swing a cat is beyond me."

"Wouldn't put it past Mom. She freaked out when these cats showed up at the house after a guy broke up with her once."

"Huh."

"Yeah, it was a whole bit. I found out the expression actually refers to some old kind of whip, but it's funnier picturing an actual cat being swung around by its tail."

"You've got a mean streak, Ms Gilmore."

"Not in reality," Rory protests and Jess grins, amused at how shocked she sounds. "And I'd never tell Babette that."

"Relax, your secret's safe with me."

"Besides, I guess the chances of you bumping into her are pretty slim," Rory jokes and, as Jess falls silent, asks, "Jess, you still there?"

"I'm actually seeing Luke this weekend," Jess admits. "I'm driving to Stars Hollow tomorrow."

"Really?" Rory asks. She sounds surprised and Jess closes his eyes for a moment.

"I didn't know if you'd want to catch up...anyway, I'm helping him fix the television."

"The television?" Rory echoes, amused, and Jess grins.

"It's in his bedroom - I think he got it for Lorelai and anyway, it's kind of scrambled. I'm pretty sure Luke could do it alone but he says he wants me to help."

"I think he wants to hang out with you," Rory says simply and Jess nods, feeling a little bashful.

"Maybe. He won't admit it though."

"That's Luke. He's an old softie underneath."

"He is at that." Jess wonders if Lorelai ever found out about the book Luke lent him or, _God_, if Lorelai knows he read it too. That's more embarrassing than Rory knowing. His thoughts are broken by the awkward silence and Jess says, "I didn't know if you were busy, or if you wanted to do something."

"I get it."

"I thought it might be weird," Jess says honestly, letting go of the excuse. "I wasn't sure if you'd want to know I was in town."

"Of course I'd want to know. And it'd be cool to grab some coffee or something, if you want?"

"Definitely," Jess says without thinking. He doesn't have to think about it. "But meeting in Stars Hollow...people are going to talk and I'm pretty sure your mom has a shovel with my name on."

"That was a while ago," Rory says but she sounds unconvinced. "We don't have to meet there - you can come see me in New Haven, if you want. Or we could meet in Hartford? There's better places there."

"Hartford it is."

"Cool," Rory says happily. "What time do you want to get there?"

"How about seven? We could grab something to eat."

"It's a plan."

"I'm assuming your mom won't kill me before I see you," Jess says, half-joking. "It's not a while ago to her."

"Luke won't let her kill you."

"I'm not so sure. You Gilmores are dangerous."

"That's right - you don't want to cross us. We're masters at holding a grudge."

Jess knows that too well, though he thinks Rory is better at holding hurt. She can let go of anger but Jess has seen how she holds more onto sadness, lingering in it. Rory's light voice has paused, and, wondering if she's pondering the subject, Jess quickly asks, "So what are you doing? Besides updating your enemy list - I'm assuming you've still got that withering stare."

"It's lethal," Rory laughs. "And Paris is the one with the list, not me."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, she keeps talking about laminating it but then she can't add to it."

"I'm sure. But I bet you've got one too."

"I left it at Mom's house," Rory teases. "That's what I'm doing today - driving home to collect it."

"Really?"

"Well, that and studying."

"Ah."

"And talking to Grandma about the next DAR function I have to attend."

Rory sounds annoyed but before Jess asks why it is she has to go, she asks, "So the room is really bad, huh?"

"What?"

"With all the cobwebs?"

"Yes," Jess says, running a finger along the grimy sill. "You don't want to know."

"It can't be worse than where we lived."

"Trust me," Jess says and then inwardly winces at the choice of words. Rory sounds cheerful all the same as she tells him she does, says goodbye and that she'll see him on Saturday. Jess hangs up, lets out a sigh and sits upstairs a little longer. No doubt seeing Rory will come out when he goes to talk to Chris and Matthew and Jess waits a few more minutes, not wanting to pretend he's not that happy.

It doesn't take Jess and Luke long to fix the television set in the bedroom. They step back, sweating from lifting it, and Jess remarks, "Remind me again why you're doing this?"

"I thought you liked television," Luke says defensively. "You certainly hogged it enough when you lived here."

"Yeah, and you also insisted having a set in a bedroom was the height of idiocy."

"Look, it's no big deal," Luke says, sounding uncomfortable. "I go to bed early and Lorelai wanted to watch a few shows and hey, sometimes I do too, and it's worked out for a year now and I don't see the huge issue with -"

"Luke, relax," Jess says, putting a hand on his uncle's shoulder. "I'm just giving you a hard time."

"I got that," Luke says hastily and rolls his eyes as Jess says, "I guess reading that love book helped, huh?"

"It's good to know some things about you won't change," Luke comments. "And I wouldn't be so fast to make jokes - I seem to remember you taking a little advice from it."

"Maybe," Jess says and they both laugh. "At least it worked out for one of us."

"Hey," Luke says gently. "You told Rory how you felt, didn't you?"

"I did," Jess says, going to the fridge and grabbing him and Luke a beer. "Just screwed up the next part."

"You tried," Luke says. "You and Rory were so young back then, Jess."

"It wasn't that long ago."

"Yeah, but you've grown a lot since then."

Jess smiles, unsure what to do with that. Luke sounds sincere, patting his nephew on the arm and then coughs, focusing on drinking his beer. Jess opens his, glad to have something to do and quickly shrugs as Luke asks what his plans for the rest of the day are. He almost tells Luke about seeing Rory, but Jess suspects he'll have a lot of questions and is certain he'll tell Lorelai. Jess isn't thrilled at that idea and guesses Rory wouldn't be either. Taking a long drink of beer, Jess gives Luke an edited version of the rest of the weekend. His uncle nods, offering to fix Jess something before he leaves but Jess shakes his head, trying not to feel guilty.

"I should head back. It's good to see you though."

"You too," Luke says. "And thanks for fixing the television."

"No problem."

"Lorelai'll be happy."

"You going to tell her I helped?" Jess asks shrewdly and Luke coughs.

"I might leave that part out."

"I think that's wise."

"It's too bad you two can't try and work things out."

"What, and skip around afterwards?"

"Holding hands, of course," Luke chuckles. "But I mean it...I think you guys could be friends, or at least civil."

"Maybe," Jess says, unconvinced. Lorelai definitely has grudges down. "See you, Luke."

"See you."

Jess still feels bad as drives off. He silently argues that Luke isn't telling Lorelai about him being there either, but it doesn't work. Still, his anticipation over seeing Rory helps and Jess grins as his phone lights up with a text, confirming where to meet.

Rory is waiting on the corner, looking a little nervous but breaking into a smile as he pulls up.

"Hi!"

"Hey."

They smile cautiously at each other, Jess resisting the impulse to hug her, and instead asks, "So where to?"

"There's a bunch of places down this street," Rory suggests, indicating with a nod. "We could walk down and pick a place? Or drive around, if you want?"

"Walking's fine. Let's find somewhere."

They fall into step, awkwardness depleting as Jess tells Rory about fixing the television. She's laughing as they reach a bar and stops, saying, "This place is okay - nothing too exciting but they make good burgers."

Anything is fine by Jess. They go in, place an order and as Jess asks how Rory's week has been her shoulders droop.

"It's been okay. I went to that party I told you about, the one Grandma picked the dress out for."

"You sound really enthusiastic about that."

"It sucked," Rory says honestly. "And I have to go to another one."

"Why do you have to?" Jess asks and is frustrated as Rory says, "I said I'd go."

"Yeah, but why? It's not your scene."

"I thought..." Rory's voice trails off and she says, "I was helping Grandma with them, and Logan goes to stuff like that. It was fun."

"It doesn't sound fun."

"I'm not finding it as fun as I did," Rory admits, eating a fry from the basket. "I don't know why."

Jess eats a few fries as well before asking, "Why did you find them fun? Before, I mean?"

Rory's answer is halted by their burgers being brought over. She stares at her plate and says, "I was lonely, Jess. I thought I needed something different."

Jess looks at her, unsure what to say. Rory gives him a sad smile and quickly looks down, starting her food. Jess eat his slowly, curiosity growing, and when Rory sits back in her chair she says, "I thought I wanted to move on."

"You did?"

"I did," Rory says carefully. "I don't know."

"Because it was so horrible, us living together?"

Jess genuinely wants to know. Rory shakes her head, her curls covering her face.

"No, Jess. It wasn't horrible, it wasn't that...I just wanted something different."

Jess looks at her. Rory seems on the edge of something, her eyes full, but before Jess can ask they both jump as Logan strolls in, somewhat unsteadily. Jess notices a beer bottle which Logan dumps on a table before heading to theirs, not apologising for almost walking into a waitress.

"What are you doing here?" Rory exclaims, too shocked not to be blunt. "I thought you were with the guys outside town."

"Made a pitstop on the way home," Logan tells her. "Finn wanted a pint and said he saw you and some dude come in here just a little while before I met him. Had to see for myself."

"There's nothing to see," Rory says, but she looks away. Jess bites his lip, unsure what to do. Rory's only ever been good at lying to herself, no one else.

"It's no big deal," Jess says, jumping in. "I was seeing my uncle and he lives near here...me and Rory are just hanging out."

"That so?"

"Yes," Jess says staunchly. Logan gives him a long look but plasters on a grin, leaning down to give Rory a kiss. Jess manages not to roll his eyes but it takes effort. As he leans back up Logan exclaims, "Looks like a grand night being had by all! Mind if I join?"

Slipping into the chair beside Rory, he orders a round of drinks, despite Jess saying he's fine and says, "One for luck. Oh and hey, your dinner's on me so don't let the cost stop you."

Jess can't believe this guy's serious. Is Rory getting this? Raising his eyebrows, he retorts, "I'll pay for my own."

"Good man."

There's an awkward silence until Logan leans forward. "I don't think I got to know you well enough the other night. So...what what do you do, Jess?"

"This and that."

"Describe the _this_, describe the _that_!"

"He writes," Rory cuts in and, wide-eyed, Logan exclaims, "You write? Impressive. What do you write?"

Any doubt that this guy is an asshole is taken care of now. Jess puts his drink down and says shortly, "Nothing important." Like this guy is worth any kind of conversation, but Rory says indignantly, "He wrote a book."

"Oh, you penned the great American novel, Jess?"

"Wasn't quite that ambitious," Jess says sarcastically and Logan grins.

"So, what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length or longer? Dos Passos, Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?"

Jess can't stop himself, and honestly doesn't want to as he remarks, "You seem very obsessed with length."

Logan's eyes narrow and Jess smirks, having clearly struck a nerve.

"I'm just trying to get a picture in my head, that's all," Logan declares, trying to seem unperturbed.

"It's a short novel," Rory answers again and, as Logan asks if it's any good, she shifts and says, "I haven't read it yet."

Jess stares at her - why is she lying like that? What the hell? She looks uncomfortable, glancing from him to Logan.

"Yet?" Logan asks gleefully. "Well, at least you'll have one reader. That's something."

"Yeah." Jess glances across his glass at Rory, unable to believe she's dating this jerk. She seems unwilling to meet his eyes, her expression shifting from discomfort to annoyance as Logan announces, "You know, I should just write down all my random thoughts and stuff that happens to me and conversations I have and just add a bunch of _he said, she said_s, and get it published. You got a copy on you?"

"No." Logan's insecurity would be laughable if Rory wasn't dating him. Jess can't begin to fathom it.

"You should send me a copy," Logan says and Jess is done - done with being polite for Rory's sake, done with making conversation and done with the whole night.

"Sure. And where do I send it? The blonde dick at Yale?"

Rory sounds upset as she says, "Jess!" but Jess gets up, too pissed to even look at her. He ignores Logan who makes some crack about keeping it friendly, telling him to get out of his way. Jess should have left as soon as Logan showed up. As he makes his way out, Jess hears Rory run up behind him, calling, "Jess, wait."

Jess stops and Rory takes a deep breath. "Jess, I'm sorry."

"We shouldn't have done this," Jess says bitterly. Who were they kidding?

"He's just in a bad way lately," Rory says uncertainly but Jess cuts her off with "He's a jerk."

Rory nods, weakly saying, "He was. In there, definitely. I'm so sorry."

"I read that guy the second I saw him. I should have begged off."

"Well, I didn't want you to."

"He better not come out here."

"Please, Jess. He's tired, he's been drinking...this isn't him, I swear."

Jess doesn't have time for excuses, for pretending anything's okay, and exclaims,

"What the hell is going on?"

"I told you," Rory says uneasily. "He's tired, and his family's bugging him right now..."

"No, no," Jess says impatiently. "I mean with you. What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

Jess knows she knows what he's talking about and in frustration says, "You know what I mean. I know you better than anyone. This isn't you."

Rory stares at him, stunned, and weakly says, "I don't know."

"What are you doing?" Jess demands. "You went back to Yale but you're in the DAR, hanging out with your grandmother and letting her pick your clothes? This is what you went back to Yale for? Planning tea parties?"

"It's complicated!" Rory argues and Jess shakes his head, knowing that's bullshit.

"It's not! It's not _complicated_!"

"You don't know," Rory argues, but she sounds unsure, and Jess tells her, "This isn't you. This, you going out with this jerk, with the Porsche. We made fun of guys like this."

"You caught him on a bad night."

"This isn't about him!" Jess exclaims, desperate to get through to her. "Okay, screw him. What's going on with _you? _This isn't you, Rory. You know it isn't. What's going on?"

Rory doesn't answer. She looks at him, silent, and Jess gazes back, wanting her words. Why is she pretending? Finally, a little defensively, Rory admits, "I don't know."

Jess's eyes soften as Rory repeats, sadly, "I don't know." She wraps her arms around herself, glancing away. She looks lost. Jess sighs, not sure what to say now that Rory's acknowledged it. Damn, seeing her like this was a mistake. He's missed her though, and lightly touches her arm.

"Hey, maybe we shouldn't meet up like this. There's a lot going on."

Rory gives him the smallest of nods and Jess says softly, "Hey, maybe we'll catch up at a better time."

"I've missed you," Rory says quietly and Jess nods.

"I've missed you too, Rory." Damn, like he hasn't missed her nearly every day since they broke up. But he's not going to act like her moving on with this jerk is a great new start for her. Maybe Rory's starting to figure that out, but Jess doesn't know if he should even hope that. All he knows is that she can do better than this.

He smiles at her as he leaves. He can't walk away without that. Rory gives him a small smile back, looking lonely, and Jess's heart aches as he turns back towards his car. He's halfway up the sidewalk when a stench of beer catches up with him and Logan is there. Perfect.

"Screw you," he slurs and Jess says impatiently, "Thought I told you to get out of my way."

"Should be me saying that," Logan snaps and then, as if he's just thought of it, says, "Stay away from me, from her. Rory lived with you in some dump - so what? You think because you were the first guy to screw her, to be with her, you know her better than I do? She's with me."

"Yeah, well that's her mistake."

"Fuck you! Go back to writing books, like that's so amazing. Anyone can write a book. And you know what? You might act like you know Rory better, but you're just some fuckup from her past. You'll never be better than I am. I can give her whatever she wants, and she's moved on from you. I can buy her anything. She's as good as me now."

"Oh yeah?"

"Exactly."

"She might be as good as you are," Jess says, stopping to look at Logan. "But she's better than you are too, she's going to do more. And she knows it. Rory's going to figure that out."

Logan's face curls into a snarl and, moving to hit Jess, he stumbles and falls on the sidewalk, groaning. Jess watches as he gets unsteadily to his feet, considering knocking him back, but the guy's not worth it. Instead, he walks back to his car, Logan's drunken cries echoing behind him, "She's with me! _Me!" _

It would almost be amusing if it wasn't pathetic, but Jess feels heavy as he drives away. He thinks back to the dump, as Logan put it, that he and Rory lived in. They shared their lives together, they had a whole summer. The city was theirs. Not that long but it stands out in Jess's memory, a strong moment of time. He knew her - he knows her. This isn't Rory. He wanted her to go back to school but it's almost as if she hasn't. Her sad eyes are clear in Jess's mind, her understanding of losing the way. Rory will find it, Jess is sure, but she has to be the one to see where she wants to go, who to be. He hopes his words helped her, as hers did for him, all that time ago. Rory has to see that she's more than this. Doesn't she know she can do anything? She's Rory.


	38. Chapter 38

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory watches Jess leave, shellshocked. She is stunned, unable to move or speak, yet there's a sudden spark of energy in her, a tingling, like a bucket of icy water has been poured over her. Rory had wanted to deny everything Jess was saying, retort that he doesn't know, but he does. Jess does know. He's right about everything, right with everything he said. He knows her better than anyone. Rory feels a jolt of electricity shoot through her and sucks in her breath. It was as though someone had looked her in the eye for the first time in months and Rory releases her breath with a shudder. She doesn't know what to do.

Standing outside, staring at where Jess went isn't an option so, gathering herself, Rory makes herself return to the restaurant. Logan is drinking yet more beer and has the audacity to grin at her.

"You're not going to believe this. Over the music, the crowd, I hear one girl's voice cutting through it all, the folk singer. She's in the corner with her boyfriend. I sent them over a round of drinks. What the hell? He gone?"

"Yes, he's gone," Rory says stonily and as Logan puts his beer down he says sardonically, "Ah, writers are so sensitive."

Rory's had enough and, going around the table, she says with disgust, "You were a jerk, Logan."

Logan seems unbothered by this accusation as he cheerfully retorts, "I was just challenging him. Jeez. Hey, if Hemingway can take it, so can he. Hey, if he wanted to, he could have taken a pop at me. Pugnacity!" Logan says gleefully, accenting the word with his fist. "It's a vital component of literary life. Again, consult your Hemingway. Come on. Do not let this guy get to you."

_"You're _getting to me!"

That wipes the grin off Logan's face and he exclaims, "Me?"

"Yes. You were an ass."

"Look, I'm sorry I interrupted your dinner," Logan says in mock-confusion. "I really messed things up here."

Rory used to like this about Logan, their back and forth, how he'd challenge any frustration she was harbouring but right now she can't stand it, can't stand him and she says angrily, "Jess wrote a book. He wrote a book, and you mocked him."

"I did not mock him!"

"He's doing something," Rory says and Logan replies calmly, "Good. Fine. He's doing something. Everybody in the world's doing something. More power to him."

Logan doesn't get it. Rory isn't sure if it's an act or not but it doesn't matter, she's clear on what she sees and doesn't like it. Desperately, she says, "I'm not. I mean, what am I doing? I'm spending practically all my time with my grandparents. I'm doing more with the DAR than I am with the paper."

"That's temporary," Logan says calmly. "Have a drink."

"Temporary can turn into forever," Rory insists.

"The DAR isn't forever," Logan argues but Rory ignores him, his words inaudible under the storm in her mind.

"I'm palling with my grandmother and being waited on by a maid. When I visit, which is all the time now, my shoes are magically shined. My clothes are magically clean, ironed, and laid out. My bed is magically turned down. I'm working with the DAR? I'm going to meetings and teas and cocktail parties?"

Logan doesn't seem to be listening. "Again, temporary. Have a drink."

Rory is in a kind of reverie as she says feverishly, "And wasting my time partying and drinking, just hanging out doing nothing."

That snaps Logan out of his cheer. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," he says furiously, getting up, "don't you dare pull me into this!"

"I didn't say anything about you," Rory says, confused, and Logan contradicts, pointing his finger as he argues, " Yes, you did. Don't make me feel guilty for your drinking and partying. That's your choice. I'm not forcing you. When I ask you out, you can say no."

"It's all we do!"

"It's not all we do!"

"It's all you do," Rory says impatiently and Logan lets out an angry breath as he says, " Well, it's my prerogative, you know. You're damn straight. I'm going to party. I'm going to do it while I have the chance because come June, my life is over."

Rory is through with this tale of woe as she says sarcastically,"Oh, yes, your horrible life. Let's hear about it."

"Got a week?"

"You have every door open to you," Rory exclaims. "You have opportunities that anyone would kill for, including me!"

"No one's stopping you from making whatever you want happen. Go into journalism. Go into politics. Be a doctor. Be a clown. Do whatever you want."

"It's not as easy when it's not handed to you," Rory tells him, silently adding that Jess made something happen with nothing given to him at all whilst Logan, given everything does absolutely nothing.

"Really? It's all so easy for me?" Logan demands. "I don't want that life. It's forced on me. You talk about all these doors being open? All I see is one door, and I'm being pushed through it. I have no choice. You try living without options!"

"How hard are you fighting it?" Rory asks and, unwilling or unable to answer, Logan answers, "I didn't tell you to start working for the DAR. You did that, it had nothing to do with me! It was all you. Now, you want to change? Change it, but don't blame me. Don't you dare blame me. You know what? Why don't you go off with John, Jack, whatever his name is?"

"Oh, I'm not going off with Jess!" Rory exclaims and Logan stops, letting out a sigh along with the fight. He and Rory pause, perceiving each other for a moment until Logan finally says, "Come on."

"Where?"

"Let's go. I want to go. I don't want to be here."

"I don't want to go."

"Well, my ride's gone and I want to go!"

"I don't want to go," Rory repeats. Normally she goes wherever Logan wants to go, leaves whenever he wants to leave but tonight she doesn't. Logan scowls, digging into his pocket and throwing a large pile of bank notes on the table. Rory regards the money, thinking about how it used to thrill her that Logan carried all this cash, able to buy anything he wanted, do anything he wanted at a moment's notice. It doesn't thrill her now.

"Fine," Logan says bitterly. "That'll cover the bill, cab. Do whatever you want. It's your choice."

He walks off, swaying slightly, and Rory lets out a breath. _We used to make fun of guys like this._ She said she wanted to stay but now feels unmoored and unsteady. Two men have gone, upset with Rory's words and how she appears to be. It's ironic, Rory thinks, that Jess and Logan dislike who she is. They both looked at her as though she's someone they can't understand. There's the odd feeling that a mirror has been held up to her tonight and Rory doesn't think she knows the girl in the reflection.

She can't stay here all night. Still feeling that buzz, Rory pays the bill and takes a cab back to her apartment, grateful that Paris is at Doyle's. She was supposed to be at Grandma's tonight but Rory can't deal with Emily. She needs to think and, yet, once she's back, thinking is impossible. Rory turns off her cellphone and walks up and down the room, her mind jumbled. It's as if she's on a merry-go-round and Rory lies down on the bed at an angle, falling into a doze around dawn. She wakes with a start a few hours later and, although sleeping so shortly, Rory gets up with a jump. She's feeling clear for the first time in months.

First stop is Emily's house. Rory drives over, still wired, and after the maid opens the door Emily walks into the hall and exclaims, "Where were you last night?"

"I'm sorry, Grandma. I should have called."

Rory feels a little bad about that as Emily gives a dismissive sniff and says, "I had to call around and I still didn't get an answer. Your friend Paris wants a little training in manners, or a lot. I was not happy to hear her tell me that you spend half your nights staying at your boyfriend's!"

"I'm twenty-one, Grandma."

"That's not point - it isn't proper," Emily says angrily, turning and walking into the living room. "You should know that."

"Right." Rory settles next to her on the couch, trying not to roll her eyes.

"Though I suppose any real hope for that disappeared after you moved in with your hoodlum boyfriend!"

"Grandma!"

"Rory, you know the DAR now," Emily says, as though speaking to a child. "You should remember that."

"Grandma, that's kind of why I came over here," Rory says hesitantly. "I've been thinking that I need to take a step back."

"A step back?" Emily echoes, sitting up. "Why?"

"I need to focus more on school," Rory says evenly. "I want to work more on the paper, concentrate on journalism...I've spent too much time organising parties."

"Those are social events and are important," Emily says angrily. "Why do you think I work so hard helping you prepare?

"You mean inspections."

"My _inspections_, missy, are for your own good! You don't know the proper procedure for things, the proper dress."

"I do okay," Rory says impatiently but Emily comments, "These things might not matter to you but they matter to me. I want you to look and do your best."

"I appreciate that Grandma, but I'm in school."

"Oh, so they don't matter?"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to!"

"Grandma, I don't have time for the DAR right now!" Rory gets up and Emily does the same, walking around to face her.

"You weren't saying that a month ago! You were talking about becoming a member!"

"Yeah well, things change!"

"Do not use that tone with me!"

"I want to be very clear," Rory tells her and Emily's eyes narrow.

"You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day."

"And you are becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day!" Rory retorts. Her grandmother glares, straightening up and snaps, "That's it! That's it!"

"What's _it_?"

"You're grounded!"

_"Grounded?"_ Rory can't believe what she's hearing.

"Yes, you're grounded from any further events!"

"Firstly, I'm twenty-one - you can't _ground _me. And secondly, that works out pretty well for both of us, right?"

Rory starts to go and Emily declares, "When your father gets home we're going to have a little talk about your behaviour!"

"You mean my grandfather," Rory says, confused and Emily bristles, composing herself.

"You know what I meant."

"Grandma, I have to go," Rory says firmly, turning and walking to the door. "Excuse me."

"Young lady, do not walk away from me!" Emily shouts, but Rory doesn't stop. "Rory!"

Rory marches out and back to the car. Originally she'd planned to get the spare set of clothes and night things from her room upstairs but now doesn't seem like the time and besides, they're mostly DAR things anyway. Who knows if she'll ever be invited to future events? Rory supposes it doesn't matter so much if she isn't - _grounded _or not, she's got to take a step back and, as she gets into her car she picks up her cellphone and makes a call.

"Hello, is this the Stamford Eagle Gazette?"

The next two days are a whirlwind. Rory makes calls, sends out resumes and eventually goes to the Gazette itself, determined to find any kind of job. After leaving her portfolio on the boss's desk and delighting the staff with a cup of perfect coffee (Rory's had years of training) she walks away with a job. To say it's low-paid is the understatement of the century but it's a writing job and, when the boss of the Gazette returned Rory's call he told her to ignore Mitchum Huntzberger. Supposedly there's a big club of people who've had his disapproval, Rory is a sharp kid and anybody would be lucky to have her. Rory can't thank him enough. The leaden weight in her stomach is starting to lift. For months she carried it around, almost believing Mitchum, and Rory pictures Jess's reaction. _That guy's an asshole_. Her happiness fades slightly, thinking of him and his disappointment in her. Jess being disappointed felt worse than anything Mitchum said. Rory takes a deep breath, dispelling that thought, and decides to drive over to her mother's. Lorelai will be equally as thrilled as her daughter at the job. Rory looks at her cellphone, wondering what Logan would say, but doesn't call him. He hasn't tried to call her once but Rory isn't too upset. She's not desperate to talk to him.

Lorelai is more than thrilled after Rory tells her the news. She leaps up and down, hugging Rory tightly, and says, "Oh Rory! You really did it!"

"Yes! It pays less than I'll spend on gas to get there, but it's a job! A writing job!"

"Rory!" Lorelai jumps up and down Rory joins her, laughing. It feels good. They manage to sober enough to sit and drink the coffee Lorelai made and, as Rory drinks, her mother says, "I was starting to get worried about you for a while there. You seemed to be more at the DAR than you were at school."

"I know," Rory says quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Do you really enjoy all that stuff? I ran from that world as fast as I could and I guess I just assumed you'd be running with me."

"I enjoyed it for a while," Rory muses. "I don't know. I'm not so sure now."

Lorelai smiles at her, her eyes teary and says, "You look so much brighter than I remembered."

"Than you remembered?" Rory laughs. "I only saw you last week."

"I know - I can't explain it," Lorelai says. "You just do."

Rory smiles back, thinking she understands. They sip coffee for a moment and then Lorelai says, "Can I ask what brought on this change of heart? I thought you were all set to join the DAR."

Rory's chest clenches as she looks down. "I was so mixed up."

"I know you were," Lorelai says gently. "I wanted to help you."

"I know you did."

"I didn't know how," Lorelai says. "I'm sorry."

"Mom, it's not your fault. It's me, it's my life. I was stupid."

"No, I was stupid."

"I was more stupid."

"Oh boy, it's time for you to get back to Yale," Lorelai says. She leans over to hug Rory and Rory squeezes her tightly back. She should tell her about Jess, she thinks, but her courage falters. Lorelai has always hated him and she'll have questions Rory won't be able to answer. Is he back in her life? Should she expect to hear about him again? Rory simply doesn't know but her mother won't accept that. How can Rory tell her when she doesn't even know what Jess talking to her means? Really, Rory knows, she's afraid to, but right now all she wants is to be happy with Lorelai. She hugs her tighter, says, "Love you, Mom," and Lorelai hugs her back, holding her close.

"Oh kid...you have no idea."


End file.
